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In today's geek-friendly world, there's nothing fundamentally wrong about a guy not having a boner for sports. But if said guy doesn't know shit about video games either, then he is one emasculated little girly-man. Well buy me a bra and call me Suzie because when it comes to video games, I have the skills of Glass Joe and the manly attitude of Don Flamenco.

To be clear, there are certain video games that I like. I am such a whore for Mario games that my sexual fantasies involve dressing in a raccoon suit while an unnamed floozy in red overalls begs me to eat my mushrooms so that I can "grow bigger." I also have a certain affinity for Sonic the Hedgehog games, but sexual fantasies involving a hedgehog seem a bit hazardous to me.

I think time passed me by at some point. I remember spending a lot of loving time with the original Nintendo and Sega Genesis, and I recall many hours playing Goldeneye on the Nintendo 64. But somehow I lost interest in video games about six years ago (just before going to college I believe). This excludes, of course, every Mario game (even in Kart form) that is released.

Why can't I love video games again? My life is hardly filled with extraordinary challenges and hours of spellbinding fun. I could really use a game that absorbs me so fully that I can go to bed sobbing because my entire day was wasted in a virtual environment. I want to be able to cheer like I did when I first destroyed the giant Dr. Robotnik in Sonic 2. I want to giggle with glee as when I discovered my first warp zone. I want to experience the same passion and fury that I had when I tried to swim through the electrified plankton, laser beams, and time bombs in the Dam level that was designed by the Marquis de Sade for the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game.

Today's shoot-em-ups seem too repetitive. How many different ways can you blast your way through an army of Nazis or space aliens. Now when a game incorporates space alien Nazis, they might have my attention. MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games... or so I'm told) are too damned slow. I have no patience to spend time hacking down rabbits and spotted owls so that I can build up my attack points and become a tenth-level dwarf in the land of Azeroth. Fuck that noise. That would be like popping in the first Mario game and being told, "Sorry. You can't use the fire flower until you stomp on 10,000 goombas."

I do love Wii Sports. It's the first time since Mike Tyson's Punchout that I've actually been able to hold my own in a sporting event. I may not be able to tell "30 Love" from 30 Rock, but on the Wii, I'm like the love child of Bjorn Borg and Serena Williams. (Actually I'm not all that good... but it gives me an excuse to call myself a Borg.) Of course, on the Wii, you don't get the supreme Manifest Destiny-esque satisfaction of taking down Piston Honda, White Tiger, Don Flamenco and the other minority rejects from Mike Tyson's Affirmative Action Day. Little Mac was quite the Aryan wonder!

What was my point again? ... Oh yeah. The world needs more racist video games!

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I'm sorry, Mario. But your virtual manhood is in another castle.

In a Galaxy Far Far Away

I don't really update as often as I could, and I seldom have a good excuse other than having nothing to blog about. This time, however, I've got two good reasons for not posting.

The first is that I had 10 pages of my seminar paper due last night. Writing this paper was boiling my eyeballs in liquid shit. I now want to go build a time machine, take a nuclear bomb, and completely obliterate the 19th century. Time paradoxes be damned!

The other reason for my attention being diverted is my recent purchase of Super Mario Galaxy. The game may look like it was made for a five year old, but I think the real audience is 30 year old gamers whose brains have been drug-fried to the point that a Rubik's cube totally blows their mind because of all the right angles.

Super Mario Galaxy is just that twisted. The premise, as with all Mario games, is that Bowser has kidnapped Princess Toadstool (or "Peach" for those playing the home game), and Mario must make his way through trippy worlds to get her back. The catch this time is that Bowser has traded in his castles and clown-themed hot-air balloon for an army of spaceships and makes his way to THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE! Mario enlists the help of some kirby-like star creatures who help him travel among something like 30 galaxies in search of golden stars to power his own spaceship.

The laws of physics be a harsh mistress.

But Mario games have the same principle as bad porno: the story doesn't matter. Apparently, neither do the laws of physics, which is what makes the game so damn trippy and amazing. You have to take Mario around these planetoids in every direction. There are larger planets as well that resemble the worlds of Super Mario 64 and Super Mario Sunshine, but be prepared. In every level, gravity will make you its bitch.

But the bizarre nature of the game does not end with the uber-3D exploration.

This game is getting a lot of good buzz (ba dum bum!)

Remember those weird super suits from Super Mario 3 and Super Mario World? Well guess what's making a comeback? This game turns Mario into a bee, a spring, a ghost, an iceman, and even the traditional fire-throwing Mario.

In this game so far, I raced a shark, three penguins, and even a shadow version of myself. I also battled a half-dinosaur, half-piranha plant creature. The Toy Time Galaxy made me fear toy robots again, and the Space Junk Galaxy makes space-littering look cool. Then there's the "normal" stuff like the giant lava planet and the desert world. I haven't seen themed worlds this elaborate since the Starship Enterprise went to the gangster planet, the Nazi planet, and the cowboy planet in the same month.

In short, if you own the Wii, you must buy this game. If you don't, you will die alone.

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Super Mario Galaxy: causing Isaac Newton to turn over in his grave since last week.

Dopplegangers of the Mushroom Kingdom

What's the deal with Wario? Where did this tubby mustachioed menace come from? Common sense would seem to indicate that he's Mario's evil doppleganger, but the two seem to cooperate in casual sports and games on many occasions. Wario will drive a kart, play tennis, or even just play a board game with the gang. This doesn't make sense if he's a simple nemesis, but perhaps he's also Mario's brother. They sure do look alike... except for the huge schnoz on Wario's face. Maybe Papa Mario would drink a lot after work and then smack Wario in the face a few times. That would explain the big nose and the surly disposition. Mario and Luigi were doubtlessly upstairs investigating their own plumbing.

Then you've got the recently introduced Waluigi, Luigi's evil doppleganger. He pops up in all the Mario Kart and Mario Party games. He looks like a cross between Wario and Dick Dastardly. Wikipedia claims that Wario and Waluigi are brothers, but there was no mention of any relation between them and Mario and Luigi. If these two brotherly pairs aren't related, that has to be one hell of a coincidence. Sort of like Alvin and the Chipmunks and their suspiciously similar-looking love interests, the Chipettes.

Personally, I think this should all be settled in the Mushroom Kingdom version of Maury. Maury would have the DNA tests on this settled over a commercial break. I guarantee that Mama Mario stepped out with that Frog King from Super Mario 2 on at least one occasion. It could be billed as a special paternity test episode that also features the seven motherless children of Bowser.

The other possibility is that Wario IS the aforementioned abusive and alcoholic Papa Mario. In fact, that would explain a great many things. Mama Mia!

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Super Mario Galaxy comes out in two days, so my final two papers will be given the shaft as I play this game for hours on end over Thanksgiving break.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World

I love this game called "Conquest" that I've had on my computer for years. It's played just like the board game "Risk." You get a particular color, and then as you get more armies, you can attack the other colors until you conquer continents and eventually the world.

It's the ultimate white man's game.

I get really into it sometimes. I start to think that the other colors are out to get me. Other colors are controlled by the computer, but they apparently have "personalities" to go along with their fictional colors. I sometimes think that the other colors intentionally gang up on me to ruin my attempts at global domination. The army battles are supposed to be random, but the computer is randomly creating outcomes for itself. If I was doing that, I'd be put in a rubber room. As a result, I start to get annoyed with my virtual opponents. Not since Senator McCarthy has a single individual yelled "DAMN YOU RED ARMY" so many times.

I love the geography of the game too. Hundreds of cultures can be summed up in the general blobs labeled "Eastern Europe" and "The Middle East." Oddly enough, conquering Greenland and Australia are good strategic moves in this game while having the United States won't help you for shit. Don't even get me started on the subdivisions that they give for Russia. Who wants to attack "Kamchatka," "Yakutsk," and "Irkutsk"? The abominable snowman?

I recently purchased the full-version of this game. It gives a wider variety of computer opponents and gives me the ability to choose which territories I want to start with. It also creates a lot more animosity between the computer colors and myself.

I think I need psychiatric care.

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Conquest - Making Manifest Destiny look like a rental agreement since 2005.