Incriminating Trek Pics: Volume 1

KHAN NOONIEN SINGH

LOVES A GOOD BLOWJOB!

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SCOTTY
JUST RAPED AND KILLED A MAN

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JAMES T. KIRK
SAYS HIS CAPTAIN'S LOG IS SO MUCH BIGGER

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Q
GOT CAUGHT MASTURBATING

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"I'd like to get my hands on her ample nacelles if you'll pardon the engineering parlance."

I Give It Two of Your Earth Thumbs Up

Was there a Gorn fight? No, but I'll restrain myself and not hold that against the movie.

All things considered, the new Star Trek is a truly epic movie. I loved every minute of it, and I really think that you will too. This is easily the most public-friendly Star Trek movie since The Voyage Home (AKA the one with the whales). You don't have to know jack about the Star Trek universe to understand the film, though there are dozens of little tidbits thrown in for those of us who have a better understanding of the border disputes between the Federation and the Cardassians on Setlik III than any real world political situation.

I didn't think that I'd truly buy the new cast. Oh sure, I figured they'd be fine actors, but I thought that I'd constantly be comparing them to the originals. But after a few minutes, you completely believe that Chris Pine is a young Captain James T. Kirk. He even beds an green Orion girl. Despite his public reputation, Kirk never actually did hit on any Orion Slave Girls in the TV series, so new Kirk already has one up on Kirk Prime.

The new movie doesn't completely disregard the old Star Trek universe. Nero, the primary villain, is a Romulan from the future in the original universe (like the timeframe of The Next Generation movies or thereabouts). The Romulan sun goes supernova and obliterates Romulus. Nero happens to be near the black hole that was created by the star's explosion and is sent back in time. He's really jacked that the Federation did nothing to help the Romulans, and he's going to take his revenge by blowing shit up real good. Meanwhile, someone else from the original timeline (a fairly well-known someone) has traveled back in time to help defeat Nero.

The dialogue offers a lot of very clever and funny bits. Bones and Scotty are particularly hilarious, and they even manage to make fun of Chekov's inability to pronounce the letter "V" (a dilemma that Batmite will sympathize with, I'm sure).

The movie has a relentless pace, which is both a plus and a minus. On the one hand, there is never a dull moment, so if you're checking your watch at any point, then you're either in the wrong theater or suffering from some serious OCD. However, the fast pacing of the movie also keeps the emotional impact of some moments from being fully realized, and Nero's motivations are occassionally glossed over. For instance, I don't think that the inital "planet-shattering" distress call early in the movie builds the tension as well as it should; however, the payoff to this part of the movie is phenominal so I can deal. Also, if you have a problem with spinning and hand-held camera shots, you may want to bring a vomit bag. It's not that distracting, but it's noticable enough that I could imagine some people being sensitive to it. This is, after all, the same director who brought us Cloverfield.

The audience wasn't quite the cavalcade of costumed freakdom that I'd been hoping for, but they certainly didn't seem out of place at a Star Trek screening. One gentleman several rows behind me looked like a Klingon in human form - complete with a burly beard and long flowing locks. The only person in costume was one guy that I saw entering the theater just as I was leaving. He was wearing an old school Captain's uniform as his shirt with faded blue jeans. I commended this man's half-assed commitment to his ensemble. It's like he said to himself, "I'll wear the Captain's tunic complete with rank insignia and Starfleet logo, but I'll be damned if I'm going to wear the black pants and boots. I still have my dignity!"

While waiting for the movie to start, I heard the general plot summary to the next movie that I have to see. As the gentleman behind me explained to his friend on the phone, a humanoid alien played by the guy who played Jesus in The Passion of the Christ comes to Earth to join forces with Vikings to take down an alien creature from the future. Is there anything in that description that doesn't sound sweet? By Googling "aliens" "vikings" and "space," I was able to determine that the movie is called Outlander. This B-movie is definitely going on my A-shelf next to Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.

But that's a movie for another post. For the time being, do yourself a huge favor and buy a ticket to the new Star Trek movie. They won't make another movie for me unless enough of you go see this one. And in this case, the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many.

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"My ship, whom I love like a woman, is disabled."

Gorn Porn Not Included

That's right, normies! It's a GORN BOBBLEHEAD!! It's only the most rocking gift ever, and that's not just because the Gorn's primary attack is throwing large boulders. Proving that she understands the geektastic existence that I lead, my mom bought me this bobblehead. I don't care if the website for these bobbleheads claims that they're recommended for ages 5 to 8. It fits right in with my Hot Pink Jesus and Green Lantern plushy. My mother gave me the choice between this and a talking Mr. Spock bobblehead that says three lines: "Live long and prosper," "Fascinating," and "You are, after all, essentially irrational." (The last one is a bit of an odd choice, I thought) I was tempted, but I just couldn't pass up the Gorn.

The Gorn has gained something of a cult status as being the worst foe ever faced by Captain Kirk. In fact, if you Google the words "Worst fight scene ever," this will be the first result:

The timing of the gift was exceptional. In less than 19 hours, I will be sitting in an IMAX theater enjoying the brand new Star Trek movie. I purchased my tickets last week for the earliest possible showing, which turned out to be a day before the full release. I know the kinds of people who will go to this kind of showing, and those are the moviegoers that I want to be surrounded by. I want to share the auditorium with Mr. Spock's bespectacled Asian doppleganger and the tubby balding guy who's loudly bitching that he doesn't need the subtitles to understand the Klingon dialogue. The general public will likely wait until the actual Friday release date content to fill their Thursday night with sports that aren't Romulan in origin and fantasies about women who aren't painted green. You well-adjusted folks are not welcome at my screening!

When I decide to shout at the screen because the screen on the Enterprise's bridge isn't displaying the warp factor properly, I want a room full of people who will join me in their outrage. I don't need people shushing me or pulling their offspring away from any adjacent seats. This will be my chance to get my geek on without worrying about what anyone else thinks.

And if some recreation of this scene occurs...
Then I'm immediately going outside and leaping in front of a bus because life can't possibly get better after that.

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"After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true." - Spock wisdom that will hopefully not be true of this new movie.

When You Wish Upon a Star Trek

Easter? Done and done!
Tax Day? Fuhgetaboutit!
The next important day to mark in your calendar is May 8, 2009: The premiere of the new Star Trek movie.

Paramount has released several clips that each show about a minute of footage from the new movie. In this first clip, Kirk smooth-talks Uhura in a bar and promptly offends several burly ruffians. I like to think that in his own mind, this is how William Shatner sees himself in real life:

In this next clip, Dr. McCoy (Bones) meets Kirk and starts bitching about the dangers of space. It even features the old standby of having a random disease/drink/food named after an entire species. In this case, we get a brief mention of "Andorian shingles":

Just once I want to hear some Klingon bitching to his buddies about getting the Earth Clap while drinking Terran Soda.

Finally, we have a scene on the bridge of the Enterprise where Kirk and Scotty are being brought in by guards to be questioned by "acting captain" Spock. J.J. Abrams is clearly a fan of the lens flare:

And just as an added bonus and because this movie is going to give me a geek-gasm, here's the most recent trailer for the movie:

I've managed to keep this blog free of my anticipation for this movie, but now with less than a month to go, I may start to slip. Ye of weak nerdic constitution would be advised to use caution when visiting.

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"What does God need with a starship!?"

Do Not Frakking Disturb

Tonight is the two-hour Battlestar Galactica series finale. I intend to fully revel in my nerd glory this evening. I will find out if the Scrolls of Pithia indeed predicted that Hera would lead the Twelve Tribes of Kobol to their salvation. I will find out why Earth was inhabited by Cylons. I'll find out why the song "All Along the Watchtower" spans the entire frakking galaxy. And most importantly, I'll discover if Colonel Tigh can be any more badass than he already is.

So because I'm going to be finding the answers to these deep questions that only other fellow basement dwellers with nerdy glasses and an affinity for gun-toting robots can appreciate, I don't want to be disturbed between 9pm and 11:30pm. That's two hours to watch the show, and another half hour to post my delight/disgust throughout various internet forums.

Thank you for your consideration. So say we all.

Do Not Disturb tonight... or Colonel Tigh will fuck up your shit!

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Colonel Tigh: The Intergalactic doppleganger of John McCain.

Today is a Good Day to Steal

Denver robber with bat'leth (left) not nearly as menacing as Worf with bat'leth (right)

A thief in Denver made my day. While most armed robbers are maddeningly dull in their choice of weaponry, one man decided to stand out from the crowd in a glorious fashion. This man held up a few 7-11 convenience stores with a Klingon bat'leth.

According to an article from the website of local Denver TV station (the local news delivers the goods for once), "The clerk told police a white man in his 20s, wearing a black mask, black jacket, and blue jeans, entered the store with a weapon the clerk recognized from the Star Trek TV series."

What I love about this story is that everyone involved must be an avid Star Trek fan. Not only did the fanboy thief pick his warrior blade from the Star Trek mythos, but the clerk recognized it as such. Not only that, but the Klingon pillager went on to rob ANOTHER 7-11 in the area:
"A half hour later, police received a call from a 7-Eleven at 2407 N. Union Blvd., where a man matching the previous description entered the store with a similar weapon. He also demanded money from the store clerk. The clerk refused and the robber 'transported' himself out of the store on foot. Both clerks described the weapon as a Star Trek Klingon-type sword, called a 'bat'leth.'"

So two 7-11 clerks recognized the weapon as being a Klingon bat'leth. I have to admit that I'm thoroughly impressed but a bit disturbed. I don't like the idea of the most notorious Trekkies in the media right now being an armed robber and two 7-11 employees. This is not good press coverage for we who fanatically follow the goings-on of the fearless crew of the starship Enterprise. On the other hand, I absolutely adore this robber for his Trek-inspired brand of larceny. It was not a wise choice to make to avoid detection. While this elusive robber hasn't been apprehended yet, it shouldn't be hard to track him down. There are very few stores that manufacture Klingon bat'leths. I once saw one being sold at a specialty weapons store in Erie, PA, and I was tempted for a moment before noticing the extravagant price. Apparently Klingon honor doesn't come cheap anymore. Kahless would not be pleased.

Of all the geek-related weaponry that this man could have used, I'm proud that he went with a Klingon sword. There's a certain practicality in his choice. A plastic lightsaber doesn't actually cause much physical harm beyond some minor bruising, and most laser guns don't, to my knowledge, actually fire lasers. A bat'leth, assuming it was actually made of metal (the police apparently don't know yet), could do some legitimate damage if weilded properly. Nevertheless, he could have made some other stylish choices. He could have gone with a replica Blade Runner gun; it's not real but it looks intimidating as hell. And if he was dead set on using a Star Trek themed weapon (and who wouldn't be), then he could have used to the Vulcan "lirpa" that Kirk and Spock used to do battle in that one episode where Spock got horny. As it stands, though, he went for the elegant "bat'leth," the weapon of choice for all Klingons looking to efficiently gut a Romulan.

While I've never decked myself out in Klingon garb or learned any parts of the Klingon language, I can understand the allure for Kling-o-philes. Klingons are, to coin an outdated '90s phrase, totally boss, and they're usually played by actors who are experts at chewing scenery at an alarming rate. Christopher Lloyd, John Larroquette, and the guy who played Uncle Phil on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air have all been Klingons in the movies or series. My personal favorite (and Batmite agrees) is probably the Shakespeare-quoting bald Klingon from Star Trek VI who has an eyepatch BOLTED to his skull:
He marginally beats out this guy:
So my nerd hat is off to this Klingon bandit. He probably purchased that bat'leth and proudly showed it off to his family and friends... who mercilessly mocked him for his foolhardy purchase. But he showed them all what he could do with the blade of a warrior!!

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9 out of 10 readers are sick of JP's seemingly endless Star Trek references. The tenth reader is the Klingon bandit who graciously decides to give JP a substantial cut of the loot... since that's the Klingon way.

VP Pick: Jean-Luc Picard

My fellow Americans, it is my honor and privilege to introduce my running mate in my campaign for President of the United States of America: Captain Jean-Luc Picard. This may be a late pick, but I guarantee that he has the leadership qualities and executive experience that our country needs from its Vice President.

Captain Picard found the previous administration's actions to be shameful and un-American, and he doesn't want our opponents to continue those failed policies.

But what does Jean-Luc Picard bring to the table?

Jean Luc-Picard is a gripping public speaker and accomplished diplomat.

Jean-Luc Picard understands that we must move forward!

Jean-Luc Picard supports your 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.


Captain Picard knows the alphabet and can incorporate it into a showtune.

Captain Picard doesn't take shit from our nation's enemies.

JP and Jean-Luc Picard: The future that your country deserves.
The change that we need.

Make it so! Vote on Tuesday!

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I'm JP, and I approved this message.


Paid for by the United Federation of Planets

Space... The First Frontier

Giant Space Amoeba Not Included

All discussions of game shows, politics, job searches, and anything else stops now. Something monumental has occurred! Something that trumps any other blog topics that could be created.

New images from the upcoming Star Trek movie have been released.

"Holy shit! Spock's circumsized??"
Pictured Left to Right: Anton Yelchin (Chekov), Chris Pine (Kirk), Simon Pegg (Scotty), Karl Urban (Bones), John Cho (Sulu), Zoe Saldana (Uhura),

Directed by J. J. Abrams (Mission Impossible III, and Lost), the new movie, called simply Star Trek, is now in post-production and is scheduled for release in Summer 2009. It was originally scheduled to be released this Christmas, but due to the Writer's Guild Strike a few months ago, it was held back. They've also been REALLY good about keeping plot details and photos a secret. This is quite an impressive feat given how rabid, zealous, and downright persistent obsessed Trekkies can be.

"Take THAT Kelvin!! Long live the Fahrenheit System! 0514 isn't even a real temperature!"

I must admit, I'm a bit skeptical of the new movie. Depending on your level of geek awareness, you may or may not know that ALL of the Star Trek movies and series exist in a single continuity... meaning that everything takes place in the same universe. According to the press releases and interviews that I've seen, this new movie is sort of a reboot, but it still respects the continuity. I have no idea what that means. Leonard Nimoy has a cameo as older Spock somehow, which implies the existence of the oft-seen Star Trek time vortex (or at least a flashback).

DOES MR. SPOCK HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH?

This film promises the return of Kirk, Spock, Bones, etc. all of them portrayed by new actors. I'm curious to see how that works out. Long-running film franchises have replaced beloved actors before without a problem. Even recently, a lot of fans didn't think anyone could rival Jack Nicholson's take on the Joker, but Heath Ledger brought the noise. But the Joker, James Bond, and any other number of comic book or literary characters that have been played by multiple actors existed in another medium first; therefore, each actor is interpreting that original concept in his or her own way. But Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock (always Mr. Spock I notice. I wonder how long I could refer to my friends as "Mister" before they slapped me) are characters defined by William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy. The old campy episodes are awesome precisely because Shatner hams it up and battles ridiculous creatures.

Unfortunately, this scene is not in the new movie... but it SHOULD be!

I will, of course, be sitting in the theater on opening day with a big geeky grin on my face. Nothing's going to keep me away. I'm just too damn curious and hopeful that this movie might actually be good. Star Trek has been a huge disappointment in the last ten years or so. Star Trek: Voyager was mostly dull and lifeless, and Star Trek: Enterprise had characters with the personalities of dust mites. The last two movies were also rather lackluster. I don't know if this movie will be any better, but the visual style has my attention, and the villian seems rather imposing.

A bald Romulan (Eric Bana) with facial tatoos and a TRIDENT SPEAR! Fucking right!

And for whatever reason, Kirk gets stranded on an ice planet:

And I thought they smelled bad... on the outside!

I'm know full well that the Star Trek universe is ridiculous and sometimes just outright stupid. In the original series, we were introduced to a Nazi planet, a gangster planet, a hippie planet, a Native American planet, and a cowboy world. And let's not forget the space amoeba, the mirror universe, the transporter-created evil doppelganger, the salt vampire, and Harry Mudd. I honestly don't know how people can take Star Trek seriously. It's a damn good show, and I've spent a disturbing number of hours in my life watching it, but it's all good fun. I don't care how ridiculous this new movie is. They're making a movie about a universe with green slave women and machines that can make pie out of thin air. You had me at "Live long and prosper!"

I knew it!! Go-go boots and mini-skirts are TOTALLY making a comeback in the 23rd Century military!

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90% of readers clicked away when they realized what this post was about. The last 10% is simply JP himself clicking on the pictures 100 times each.