JP: Leadership for America

A VISION OF THE FUTURE

JP's opponents, Batmite and Virgil (and then Virgil again), are both willing to say anything necessary to be elected. But only JP uses the straight talk that real Americans respect.

Virgil voted 90% of the time to increase the salaries of female bloggers who moonlight as college instructors. She spends taxpayer money on extravagant hats and buddies who wear designer sunglasses.

Virgil pays extra-special attention to her kitty cat. Everyone knows that cat-lovers have suspicious motives and plans for global domination.

Virgil is a "community organizer" who wants to force YOU to learn how to read... taking away your freedom to choose how literate you want to be.
And this photograph is in black and white, which proves how evil she is.

Virgil: We can't afford to put the country in her hands.
Batmite: He's not even a citizen, and he's running a clean campaign. He'll never win anyway.

But JP looks really sexy in a suit, and he's secure enough to wear a purple tie.

JP has the strength of a Viking, the fortitude of a drunken Irishman, and the jolly disposition of a Hawaiian.

JP: Just look at that trustworthy baby face. Could this man possibly be capable of deceit?

Virgil wants to steal your money, burn down your house, and eat your babies.
Vote for the man who will give you money, an extra house, and free babies.
Vote JP in November!

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I'm JP, and I approved this message.



Paid for by the Beautiful Bloggers of America

I Couldn't Agree More

I love this clip. It's certainly an honest goof, but he sounds so damned adamant when he says, "And I couldn't agree with him more!" His attempt to backtrack is awkward, but it's hard to fail in rural PA by going the "patriotic" and "god loving" route.

[Side Note: Why do the terms "god loving people" and "god fearing people" refer to the same people? If you love and fear the same individual, that makes you a battered housewife or someone suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.]

If you haven't been following the news, Senator John Murtha [Dem] of Pennsylvania got into some trouble recently for announcing that the the people in rural Western Pennsylvania are racist rednecks. I will say sincerely what John McCain said by accident: I couldn't agree with him more.

As a proud Western Pennsylvania resident, I feel reasonably qualified to speak on this matter. Racism is a difficult issue to discuss - not because it makes people uncomfortable, but because people are often talking about very different things. 00 The problem, of course, is the word "racist." The word carries with it images of cross burnings, lynchings, and KKK rallies. By this definition, very few people in Western PA seem to be racist (though I do know a few who would be right at home with folks like that). But there are hazier areas that are more difficult to understand.

People with racial prejudices often don't realize that they have them, or they feel that their opinions are based upon factual observations. I notice that a lot of white people in Western PA are often afraid that they'll inadvertently anger a black guy. They think that they'll end up dead as a result. The savvy racist might fear legal trouble should an "uppity nigger" decide to sue him because of some "political correctness bullshit."

A few years ago, my friends and I went to New York City to see a Pirates away game at Yankee Stadium (obviously not my idea... but I'm always up for a road trip). We tried to take a short cut, and we made an inadvertent trip down a few blocks in the Bronx. It was maybe 5pm, sunny, and fairly crowded outside. There were old guys hanging outside talking, an old woman in a wheelchair was rolling down the street, and kids were playing jump rope and basketball outside. Of course, they were all black. I will readily admit that I'd be nervous if we were traveling in a black neighborhood at night on a desolate street (I am, after all, a Podunk hayseed from Kittanning), but I couldn't see anything threatening about this particular neighborhood at this time of day. The kids playing basketball even offered to let us in on their game (I hesitated only because I could be schooled by white cancer patients; Bronx kids who play every day would mop the floor with me). But a few of my friends (I won't name names, but you know who you are :) ) were quietly flipping out. Good god, by their account, we were lucky to survive.

Now my friends are not stupid, and I don't believe they're overtly or malevolently racist. They're actually observant. If you pay attention to the news, crime statistics, or any bad 80s movie, the Bronx is associated with black people, and inner city black people in New York are associated with rampant crime, muggings, and violence. Their association is understandable. But consider the source. The media only focuses on violence and crime because they're deviations from the norm. Crime statistics don't take into consideration the economic standings of the people in their percentages. And no good buddy cop movie was ever made from two guys having a fun and uneventful day in Harlem. Hell, Demolition Man would just lose some of its cinematic brilliance with Stallone hashing out the finer points of Shakespeare with Wesley Snipes.

I don't believe that berating Western Pennsylvania for being racist is productive. Most people aren't consciously being racist, and hassling them about it isn't going to change anything. On the other hand, people in Western Pennsylvania need to look around their little towns and come to one obvious conclusions.... THERE ARE NO BLACK PEOPLE HERE!!!! Jesus, you're making judgments about people you've never met based upon biased sources. I wouldn't expect anyone to love all black people sight unseen, but keep a freakin open mind.

The problem is a lack of information. Racism is learned, but so is tolerance. Most people with prejudices are well-meaning but uninformed.... and WOW. I just realized that I sound like a goddamn after-school special. I think I'll just stop now before I start lecturing you all about the dangers of drugs.

Besides, everyone knows that those dirty people from India are the real threat. You're going down, Batmite!! :)

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John McCain: Missing the obvious chance to get out of his gaffe by simply shouting "LET'S GO STEELERS!!"

JP For President

Batmite says he'll raise your taxes in order to pay for his extravagant drinking habit and leather fetish. And Batmite even told the Associated Press that he wants to kill all redheads.

Under Virgil's economic plan, gang members would receive government benefits, and she would spread the wealth to anyone who wears a bandanna.

Worst of all, Virgil pals around with known suspicious bearded brown man Batmite. Batmite has gone on record as stating, "The Green Lantern Corps is fucking awesome!" Do we really want people in the White House who support a galactic police force that wants to take away your freedom?

Virgil and Batmite: Wrong on taxes. Wrong on the economy. Wrong on gang violence. And wrong on galactic security.

But JP is a man of the people who listens to the problems of real Americans.

JP is tough on environmental issues, and he voted repeatedly for Senator Fred Rogers's stricter sanitation laws in the Land of Make Believe.

And JP has the necessary leadership experience necessary to fight against an economic Wii-cession.

Vote for the blogger who has your best interests at heart.
Vote for real change!

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I'm JP, and I approved this message.


Paid for by the Blogging National Committee.

The Manly Everyman

A few days ago, this issue of Popular Mechanics appeared on our dining room table. The big subtitle for this issue: "100 Skills Every Man Should Know." I don't know why I opened it. I knew what would be there: a list consisting of 50 things I don't know how to do, 25 things I'm afraid to do, and probably 20 things I would rather hire someone to do. I figured I could do five of the things on the list. After all, I do have a penis.

I could do more of the things on their list than I thought I could. It turns out that real men should be able to tape drywall, set up a ladder, build a fire in the woods, iron a shirt, operate some basic power tools, change a diaper, drive a stick shift, tie a necktie, hitch up a trailer, parallel park, change a tire, fix a toilet-tank flapper, shovel (I don't see how anyone could screw this up), mix concrete, prune bushes and small trees, ride a bike (again, this is a challenge?), jump start a car, and fold the American flag. These are all things that I can do reasonably well.

But just about everything else on this list is meant to make me feel like an effeminate sissy, but I think the list has some pretty harsh demands. You'd have to be Paul Fucking Bunyan to be able to do everything on this list. Most of it is the typical heteronormative outdoorsy crap that I was expecting: split firewood, fell a tree, throw a spiral pass with a football, shoot a gun straight, cast a fishing line, replacing several different car parts, etc. But some of it is just goofy. Number 48 is "Conquer an off-road obstacle." Is this really a big issue for every man in the country? My Ford Escort can barely make it over a speed bump let alone the craggy peak that they show this Expedition crossing. Number 59 is "Home-brew beer." That's right penis-packers! Every man should know how to brew his own goddamn beer. It's not like it takes over a month and requires hard-to-find ingredients. In number 64, they expect you to "run rapids in a canoe." Fuck that. Just... fuck that. Number 73 is "skipper a boat." First of all, how often does one use the word "skipper" as a verb. Second, doesn't skippering a boat first require HAVING a boat. Guess real men are rolling in the greenbacks.

My personal favorite is number 66: "Escape a sinking car." It's not that this is not an important thing to know, but this seems to be a difficult thing to test. The idea of waiting for the water to fill the interior of the car until the pressure is equalized enough for you to open the door is not a particularly difficult concept. However, not panicking, not pissing your pants, and not having your lungs fill with water as you're screaming like a little girl aren't really covered in the magazine. When you're cozy on dry land, it's easy to say you'd keep your cool, but when your ass is sinking into a river, we'll see how collected you stay.

I'm not surprised that I don't measure up to any standard of masculinity. I don't have a hard-on for sports. I don't like to hunt. I refuse to touch a fish unless it's batter-dipped and deep fried. I don't know shit about cars beyond jumping the battery and checking the fluids and tire pressure. Even the nerdy realms of masculinity are foreign to me. I don't really play violent video games. I don't know jack about computers. And even though Wikipedia, cartoons, and Batmite have taught me more about the Marvel and DC universes than anyone should know, I don't read comic books. Granted, Star Trek fans are mostly male, but that's not really something to brag about. I didn't see "Know the Difference Between Romulans and Cardassians" on the skills list.

The sports apathy is always the big one. I came across this quote from David Sedaris recently:
"I had no interest in football or basketball but had learned it was best to pretend otherwise. If a boy didn't care for barbecued chicken or potato chips, people would accept it as a matter of personal taste, saying, 'Oh well, I guess it takes all kinds.' You could turn up your nose at the president or Coke or even God, but there were names for boys who didn't like sports. When the subject came up, I found it best to ask which team my questioner preferred. Then I'd say, 'Really? Me too!'"

Of course, David Sedaris is proudly and flamingly gay, so he doesn't really help my cause.

I had a long conversation with one of my professors last year about "Queer Theory" because I thought it sounded rather offensive. It seemed like it involved searching for gay stereotypes in the strangest of places. After quite a bit of our usual difficult banter (the professor and I both thought the other was an asshole), I finally got the idea that a "queering of the moment" was simply a point where a character did something that wasn't "heteronormative." Meaning, when someone does something that doesn't fit into the socially-accepted gender roles, it's a queering of the moment. I didn't like this at all. It means that most of the moments in my life have been queered, and that's not the kind of information that's going to help me score points with women.

This list of 100 manly skills effectively epitomises what is generally accepted to be the "manly" man, and the magazine's position is that EVERY man should know how to do these things. The implication, of course, is that if you can't do these things, you're not a real man. I never understood this posturing macho shit. If you genuinely like to hunt, fish, watch sports, or whatever, that's great! But if you need a goddamn list to tell you if you're being manly enough, well then you've got some insecurity issues.

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The Man Test: Not graded on a curve.

I'm Having Fun Looking Out for #1

Who rocks the single life? This guy right here!

I have been sans girlfriend for the last nine months, and if it weren't for my critical lack of a sex life (aside from loving left hand), I'd be content to live the single life for quite some time. I came to this realization over the last few weeks as my brother's wedding has been pushed back and Joe's wedding is about to rev up. The point was further driven home this past weekend.

Over the weekend, my Kittanning crew and I went to Deep Creek, Maryland for Joe's bachelor party where we partied like suburban geriatrics! The highlights of the trip involved soaking in a hot tub, making catty comments while everyone else went fishing, playing a cutthroat Risk game, and dozing off during the Penn State football game. Now some of you may be saying to yourselves (or perhaps cackling to loved ones), "Well no wonder the douchebag's single!" But I had a blast, and I didn't have to impress anyone with my manliness (my friends have long since accepted my lack of interest in anything cool). I also got to drink, act like a complete idiot, and leer at bar wenches without a girlfriend, fiancee, or wife giving me grief.

This is not to imply that I wouldn't like to have a girlfriend. Back in August, I actually sucked up my pride and joined eHarmony for a month. I figured that if I was going to be stuck in Kittanning for awhile (little did I realize that "awhile" would last longer than I'd anticipated), I might as well hook up for a little horizontal refreshment. I had been sitting on the couch moping in my own misery when one of those saccharine commericials for eHarmony came on, and they said that I could take their test and see my matches for free. With nothing better to do (applying to jobs does not count since that experience equates to shoving a hot fork in your eye), I went online and took the test. When they said "32 dimensions of compatibility," I assumed that there would be 32 questions; how wrong I was. There were 32 pages... each with about 15 questions on it. The damned application took over an hour, and some of the questions were just perplexing. How do answer "How self-aware are you?" Isn't "self-awareness" a precondition for being sentient?? If you answer "not at all," does that mean you possess the mental capacity of a grapefruit? But if you answered that question at all, then aren't you aware of yourself? It's like one of those logical paradoxes that Captain Kirk would present to an evil robot in order to short circuit its brain.

In any case, I got my matches (sans pictures), looked them over, thought it was kinda interesting, and then forgot about it. I wasn't about to shell out money for this damned thing. Three days pass. I get an email from eHarmony informing me, "Kristen from Pittsburgh would like to start communication." Well, who the hell is Kristen? What does she look like? How do I talk to her? Is she the one for me? Turns out that such questions can only be answered after paying their exorbitant fee! I was legitimately impressed by such a shrewd business ploy, and my curiosity got the best of me, so I signed up for a month-long membership.

Kristen turned out to be a bust (though she did have an impressive bust as I recall), but I hit it off with two other women on there. Oddly enough, just as my eHarmony membership was about to run out and we had been communicating successfully via actual email for some time, they both suddenly stopped returning my emails. In my mind, they both somehow met each other and became lesbians, and they make passionate love to each other every night. (I don't care how far-fetched that scenerio is! Don't ruin my fantasies god dammit!) I was annoyed and disappointed by their sudden disappearance but somewhat relieved. With no job and no idea of where I'd be living in the next few months, I wasn't sure how to approach the local dating scene.

Since my eHarmony subscription ended, I've been happy to simply wait until I find permanent employment to start my love search. I've actually been enjoying the lack of pressure. I'm in no hurry to get engaged or married, and the single life has its advantages. If I don't feel like going out, I don't have to. If I want to take off for a weekend to visit with friends, I don't have to worry about anyone else. I don't have to plan dates or romantic evenings. And most importantly, with the holidays approaching, I don't have to worry about buying a present. Sure I have to buy presents for my family, but they have to be happy with what I give them no matter what. Unconditional love's a bitch isn't it?

Some might suggest the famed one-night stand as a temporary option; however, I've done the one-night stand a few times, and it's horrible. The drunken four-legged frolick is great, but the weeks of guilt after telling the hopeful young lady that I'm just not ready for a relationship (or being douchebaggy enough to say "Let's just be friends") are just not worth it. Give me the internet and a box of Kleenex any day.

I certainly won't reject a good opportunity for a relationship if it happens, but I'm not going to worry about my single status right now. I'm going to enjoy my "me" time!

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This post brought to you by eHarmony: a safe company for your investments. We prey on the loneliness and desperation of others - natural resources that are always abundant.

Space... The First Frontier

Giant Space Amoeba Not Included

All discussions of game shows, politics, job searches, and anything else stops now. Something monumental has occurred! Something that trumps any other blog topics that could be created.

New images from the upcoming Star Trek movie have been released.

"Holy shit! Spock's circumsized??"
Pictured Left to Right: Anton Yelchin (Chekov), Chris Pine (Kirk), Simon Pegg (Scotty), Karl Urban (Bones), John Cho (Sulu), Zoe Saldana (Uhura),

Directed by J. J. Abrams (Mission Impossible III, and Lost), the new movie, called simply Star Trek, is now in post-production and is scheduled for release in Summer 2009. It was originally scheduled to be released this Christmas, but due to the Writer's Guild Strike a few months ago, it was held back. They've also been REALLY good about keeping plot details and photos a secret. This is quite an impressive feat given how rabid, zealous, and downright persistent obsessed Trekkies can be.

"Take THAT Kelvin!! Long live the Fahrenheit System! 0514 isn't even a real temperature!"

I must admit, I'm a bit skeptical of the new movie. Depending on your level of geek awareness, you may or may not know that ALL of the Star Trek movies and series exist in a single continuity... meaning that everything takes place in the same universe. According to the press releases and interviews that I've seen, this new movie is sort of a reboot, but it still respects the continuity. I have no idea what that means. Leonard Nimoy has a cameo as older Spock somehow, which implies the existence of the oft-seen Star Trek time vortex (or at least a flashback).

DOES MR. SPOCK HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH?

This film promises the return of Kirk, Spock, Bones, etc. all of them portrayed by new actors. I'm curious to see how that works out. Long-running film franchises have replaced beloved actors before without a problem. Even recently, a lot of fans didn't think anyone could rival Jack Nicholson's take on the Joker, but Heath Ledger brought the noise. But the Joker, James Bond, and any other number of comic book or literary characters that have been played by multiple actors existed in another medium first; therefore, each actor is interpreting that original concept in his or her own way. But Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock (always Mr. Spock I notice. I wonder how long I could refer to my friends as "Mister" before they slapped me) are characters defined by William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy. The old campy episodes are awesome precisely because Shatner hams it up and battles ridiculous creatures.

Unfortunately, this scene is not in the new movie... but it SHOULD be!

I will, of course, be sitting in the theater on opening day with a big geeky grin on my face. Nothing's going to keep me away. I'm just too damn curious and hopeful that this movie might actually be good. Star Trek has been a huge disappointment in the last ten years or so. Star Trek: Voyager was mostly dull and lifeless, and Star Trek: Enterprise had characters with the personalities of dust mites. The last two movies were also rather lackluster. I don't know if this movie will be any better, but the visual style has my attention, and the villian seems rather imposing.

A bald Romulan (Eric Bana) with facial tatoos and a TRIDENT SPEAR! Fucking right!

And for whatever reason, Kirk gets stranded on an ice planet:

And I thought they smelled bad... on the outside!

I'm know full well that the Star Trek universe is ridiculous and sometimes just outright stupid. In the original series, we were introduced to a Nazi planet, a gangster planet, a hippie planet, a Native American planet, and a cowboy world. And let's not forget the space amoeba, the mirror universe, the transporter-created evil doppelganger, the salt vampire, and Harry Mudd. I honestly don't know how people can take Star Trek seriously. It's a damn good show, and I've spent a disturbing number of hours in my life watching it, but it's all good fun. I don't care how ridiculous this new movie is. They're making a movie about a universe with green slave women and machines that can make pie out of thin air. You had me at "Live long and prosper!"

I knew it!! Go-go boots and mini-skirts are TOTALLY making a comeback in the 23rd Century military!

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90% of readers clicked away when they realized what this post was about. The last 10% is simply JP himself clicking on the pictures 100 times each.

Reinventing The Wheel

Oh! NAGGERS! Right!

My younger brother hates Wheel of Fortune. This is something of a personal slight toward me because I grew up watching it and other ridiculously simplistic game shows. Wheel of Fortune, Press Your Luck, The Price is Right, Card Sharks, and even the games on Nickelodeon like Get the Picture or Double Dare were always on my "Must See" list. Other kids were watching G.I. Joe kick Cobra Commander's ass; I was watching Wink Martindale mock yet another losing contestant on Tic Tac Dough.

Nevertheless, I can see my brother's point. Wheel of Fortune is a pretty stupid game show when you get right down to it. I won't say that this is the dumbest game show on television. Deal or No Deal certainly takes that prestigious title, and the newly created Hole in the Wall (also on NBC) turned my mind into liquid shit during the one episode that I watched. However, Wheel of Fortune is essentially the bastard game offspring of roulette and hangman, and any simpleton can play it. In fact, simpletons are quite common:

I always find it remarkable that in any television market, this show is always paired with Jeopardy, the game show designed for people with quadruple doctorates in English Literature, History, Chemistry, and Sports Trivia. I'm honestly shocked that Wheel of Fortune has a screening process. I think all you need are basic public speaking skills and a lame home life that makes for a folksy story.

You know the best part about Wheel of Fortune? Nobody loses! Even if you take third place, you get to keep whatever money you made. If you hit bankrupt every time or just bought way too many vowels, you get to take home a minimum of $1000!! I'd be astonished if people don't apply to be on this show in droves!! Hell, compared to that, Family Feud actually makes you EARN your money. At least that show requires a rudimentary understanding of public opinion polls.

I have to wonder about Pat Sajak and Vanna White. Vanna's lazy ass job is well documented, and I can see the allure of simply showing up to point at electronically-activated letter blocks. But she must wonder how long she's going to have a job. She's 51 years old now. I'd say she's got 10 years tops before people start to think it's creepy for someone's grandma to be wearing slinky dresses on daytime TV.

Pat Sajak, however, is a meltdown waiting to happen. He's so relentlessly chipper and personable on the show that I'm eagerly awaiting the day when he suddenly goes apeshit, calls every contestant a fucking imbicile, and then declares, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??" before stripping to a thong and making imaginary snow angels on the big wheel. I'm telling you, the headline, "PAT SAJAK HAS NERVOUS BREAKDOWN" would be an instant classic! He'd be convicted of indecent exposure, breach of contract, and maybe attempted arson when he eventually tries to burn down the home of Merv Griffin. Twenty years from now, people won't say, "He went postal." They'll say, "He went Sajak!"

I choose to believe that Pat Sajak is actually a total asshole and degenerate in his personal life. Wouldn't that just totally screw with your world view? What if Pat Sajak beats his wife? What if he throws coffee into the face of Starbucks employees and demands, "Get me a fresh cup! I'm Pat Fucking Sajak!"? What if, ten years from now, he's in the paper as "Pat Sajak: Convicted Sex Offender." The guy just seems too damned jovial. I mean, at least there are inklings that Alex Trebek cracked back in the '80s:

And did I mention that Pat Sajak has a giant square head? It's like he's got a giant can of pudding on his shoulders. Fucking Pat Sajak.

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9 out of 10 readers are inwardly scolding JP for mocking a true entertainer like Pat Sajak. The last reader is still devastated over what Pat Sajak did to his dog.