Sesame Street: Uncensored

What if the characters of Sesame Street were real people? I think they'd be some people in serious need of medical care. Let's take a look at some of them.

The Cookie Monster: This one's almost too obvious. The guy is a shoe-in for bulimia and diabetes. No one can possibly consume that much sugar without some serious heath concerns coming into play. I'd even go so far as to say that his predilection for cookies borders on addiction.

The Count: Let's overlook the fact that he should be a blood-sucking vampire in reality. This guy has obsessive-compulsive disorder pure and simple. SEVEN!! Seven times that I have to touch the doorknob before I open it. AH AH AH!!

Big Bird: Giant yellow bird who hallucinates a talking lazy-eyed woolly mammoth? Is there anyone suspecting anything other than LSD?

Elmo: He'd be a victim on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit in no time. "Elmo doesn't know the man who touched him in his special place."

Kermit the Frog: What can I say? The guy likes a little cushion for the pushin'. Never mind that he'd be arrested on several accounts of sodomizing a farm animal.

Prairie Dawn: Right up there with Elmo for SVU victim. She looks like the girl who grows up to be a battered housewife - until one day she comes home and just slices off Mr. Hooper's balls with a steak knife.

Grover: He couldn't be more gay if he was buying dildos from Guy Smiley and the Telly Monster. I even saw a Halloween-themed Sesame Street coloring book at my friend's house last night (I'm guessing it was his cousin's, but who knows) that showed Grover in a cheerleader outfit with the caption, "Grover likes to dress up as a cheerleader."
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Bert and Ernie: Right up there with Grover. Of course, Bert's milquetoast behavior might just be a cover for his fascist and racist tendencies as detailed on the Bert is Evil Website. BEWARE OF BERT.

Oscar the Grouch: Here's a down-on-his-luck guy who'd probably make the perfect poster child for welfare reform. He's got some serious financial difficulties, but that's only due to the oppressive nature of Sesame Street. Hooper's store has a monopoly on the community. Oscar's just looking for a legitimate corner of the market in which to sell his wares. He'd turn to alcoholism or drug use in a heartbeat. Oscar the Grouch after ten shots of tequilla might just decide he's had enough of everyone's shit.

In fact, I think that would be the final outcome in the real world. Oscar the Grouch blows everyone away. You heard it here first.

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Sesame Street - Brought to you today by the letters AA, LSD, OCD, NAMBLA, and LGBT.