It's a Nice Day for a White Wedding

Probably the classiest wedding Kittanning has seen in ages... and there wasn't even a shotgun involved.

This post is probably several days late, but oh well. This past weekend, two friends of mine, Dave and Leanne, got hitched. A good time was had by all, and nobody died.

The wedding almost became legendary when we discovered that McGruff the Crime Dog was supposed to be in a parade taking place at the same time as the wedding, but unfortunately it was on the other side of town. I didn't get to take a bite out of crime.

I was in the wedding party. That's me on the far right. As such I got to participate in the festivities of a full-blown Catholic wedding. After that experience, I have an enormous amount of respect for Catholics. To endure such pure monotony and drudgery must require the patience of a guy waiting for a stall to open up after wolfing down three boxes of prunes.

I mean, I know God likes prayers, but the Catholics must think that God has low self-esteem or something. The chants, prayers, incantations, and songs just wouldn't end. Then there were the strange rituals. The waving of the hands, the ringing of bells, an old Italian man slugging down a goblet of wine. I mean no disrespect, but having never seen a full-blown Catholic ceremony before, I thought I handled myself admirably by not bursting into uproarious guffaws.

I did get into some trouble during the rehearsal. We were told to walk down to the front and then bow before taking our seat. Someone asked, "Why do we have to bow?" I said, "Because you're paying respect to God," which was a good answer. However, not willing to leave well enough alone, I pointed to the giant "Christ nailed to the cross" fixture that was hanging at the front of the church. It was your typical Christ pose - nailed to the cross, thorns on the head, and head dangling in misery (understandably so - what with the nails through the hands and all). I pointed and said, "See! He's bowing back!"

Were I not already condemned to hell by at least ten major religions, that would have been the nail in the coffin right there (or perhaps the nail in the cross... aw damn! I just dropped down another circle).

But aside from me sullying the sanctity of the wedding with my mere presence, everything was very nice. I got drunk both nights (always a pleasure), danced a lot (always an embarrassment), and ate assorted foods (always expensive for the host).

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To Dave and Leanne! Joe, Fryar, and I were all in your wedding party, Totos was present, Jon gave a best-man speech, and nothing went horribly wrong!! If that doesn't bode well for your future, I don't know what does.