Dora! Dora! Dora!

Over the Thanksgiving break, my brother and his family came to visit, which means having a five year old and a one year old around the house. (I'm sure I'll be properly reprimanded at Christmas if I got their ages wrong.) I've come to the realization that I won't be able to stand having kids, and I think the only reason for that is children's TV.

Most of the shows are about as exciting as watching paint dry. Some shows like Wonder Pets and Lazy Town are just plain creepy. But my two favorites have to be Dora the Explorer and its male-oriented spin-off Go Diego Go!

The creators of these shows have to be raking in millions of dollars (or pesos as the case may be). Both shows look like they cost about 30 cents to make, but kids go apeshit for them. What bothers me about them is that these shows have very peculiar premises and even worse messages for little kids.

Both shows feature these two kids who can't be older than seven living in the jungle. Dora seems to at least have a house nearby, but I think Diego lives in a treehouse somewhere in the rainforest. At first I thought neither child had adult supervision. Dora only seems to chillax with what may be a lice-infested monkey (or perhaps a jaundiced monkey if the yellow tail and belly are any indication) while Diego pals around with a baby jaguar. But then right at the beginning of one episode, Diego's dad bikes in. He tells Diego that he just spent a week in the mountains with the eagles. What does this tell kids? It's okay little beaner-babies, it's normal for Mexican dads to run off into the wilderness and abandon their kids.

I've now seen a few episodes of each show. Dora's fun usually involves a trip to some destination with two minor obstacles in the way. In a Christmas-themed episode, Dora decides to hike to the North Pole. Remember that this girl lives in the jungle. According to Dora, the trip involves hiking over a snowy mountain, crossing an icy river, and BAM! You're at the North Pole. Keep in mind that Dora's idea of mountain climbing involves throwing a rope (which she once repaired with tape!) up to the top of the mountain. She makes mountain climbing look about as hard as blowing your nose, and her trip halfway around the world took about 20 minutes. Jesus Christ, where's the DORA button on the Travelocity website?

Dora's nemesis is a weasel named Swiper, a kleptomaniac who wants to steal Dora's helpful items for the hell of it. Like Wile E. Coyote, Swiper seems to have a huge cache of devices and vehicles at his disposal all for the sole purpose of stealing Dora's lunch money, coloring book, or magic mittens. Personally, I always root for Swiper because he comes prepared. In one episode, Dora wants to get something that's across the river before Swiper can get it. Dora summons several large blue whales (IN A RIVER!!??) to create a bridge to the other side. Swiper brings a jet ski. He understands that summoning aquatic life should be left in the hands of professionals like Aquaman. My only problem with Swiper is that he never wants Dora's magic backpack that can produce ANYTHING. It makes the replicator in Star Trek look like a soda fountain. Of course, Swiper always loses, and he dejectedly walks away saying, "Ohh, Maaaaannn!!" Dora the Asshole never offers to share.

In Go Diego Go, Diego works at some sort of Animal Rescue Center. So not only is Diego's dad a deadbeat, but he's also in violation of child labor laws. While he's up in the mountains, Diego's pulling down a job. Some animals ends up in trouble (falling in a pit, breaking an ankle, or whatever), and Diego goes to rescue it. What kills me is how well Diego seems to get along with the these jungle creatures. Jaguars, condors, pumas, monkeys, bears, and even snakes just LOOOVEE that little Mexican boy. This kid wouldn't last five minutes in a real jungle. Just once I want to see Diego come down with a horrible case of malaria and then he's mauled by a leopard and then eaten by a snake. Is that too much to ask from Nick Jr.?

In one episode, Diego decides to race a group of monkeys and a group of pumas. What kills me is that Diego wins! He races a fucking PUMA and wins!! In another episode, Diego encourages kids to duck low as he races under some dangling vines. Okay, that's fine. Then he encourages them to duck low again to race under some dangling vines that have GIANT SPIDERS on them. I'm not shitting you, these spiders were huge. I wouldn't go within ten feet of a spider that big let alone run underneath a whole swath of rainforest filled with them. But just when I thought it couldn't get any better, Diego then ducks down to race under dangling vines filled with hundreds of giant snakes. At that point, the little bastard deserved to die.

I tried to find some video of either show, but I found something even better. It's set to the song "Lean Like a Cholo."

I love how well the words match up with the clips. Some loving fan of both the song and show spent a lot of time on this. I don't know what's going on in any of the clips, but Dora the ExploraChola is seen here riding on a giant chicken while dancing with what appears to be the Lorax. This makes about as much sense to me as the real show.

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Dora the Explorer: Encouraging children to wander off without adult supervision since 1999.