I have been tagged by Virgil to blog on the following topic:
“Devise a list of 5-10 courses you would take to fix your life. It’s more fun to be in classes with friends, so include one class from the person who tagged you that you’d also like to take. Tag five.”Never one to back away from a challenge (especially since she said that my "caustic take on graduate school" would be worthwhile), I thought it sounded like a good way to procrastinate.
LINGUISTICS 203: Students in Translation
This is one that Virgil came up with. In this course, you will learn the necessary vocabulary for translating the phrases of English 101 students. Learn how to translate such phrases as "I didn't have internet access in my dorm this weekend" so that you know the student actually means, "I spent most of my weekend piss drunk and didn't bother to do any research."
HEALTH 101: Eating Tips for Dummies
In this course, you will be introduced to the basic concepts of not eating when you're not actually hungry. Important lessons include "Not opening the refrigerator," "Putting the pie back," and "Picking up a carrot." Extra credit will be given for not actually purchasing items like Salt and Vinegar chips in the first place. Getting your 6'5" fat ass onto a treadmill is saved for the advanced classes.
ENGLISH 622: Using Theory Without Knowing It
Are you tired of looking stupid in class? Are you sick of actually learning literary theories in order to apply them? Well then this course is for you! Learn how to name-drop like Chuck Woolery at a dive bar. Learn the exquisite art of turning the names of theorists into adjectives (Foucaultian, Lacanian, Benjaminian), using bullshit words like heteronormativity, and using the theories of black, female, Native American, or gay theorists so that anyone who disagrees with you will look like a racist, sexist, imperialist homophobe.
ED PSY 343: Understanding System Apathy
Do you feel like your bosses or the administration will have your back when something goes horribly awry in the classroom? This is a dangerous frame of mind, my friend, and this course can show you how the world of academia works. You will come to understand that no one in the department cares about backing you up when necessary. Learn the basics of how your salary equals that of an indentured servant. Understand that "the harsh penalties of plagiarism" mean nothing when your boss has to be the one to implement them. Learn how being quiet and invisible works in your favor. Remember: an obedient teacher is a teacher with a job.
MATH 101: Finances for English Majors
In this course, you flowery English majors will be introduced to the basic concepts of a how money works. You will learn that spending money before you have it is a bad thing, and that you can't pay for a meal with a clever Haiku. How to calculate a tip so that a waitress won't throw her used gum at you as you walk out the door will be covered on the first day of class. Other topics will include: how to use a credit card, what taxes are and how to pay them, why the government doesn't like sarcasm on a tax form, operating a calculator, counting past 20, and why "consolidating your loans" isn't necessarily the Foucaultean hegemony closing in on your free will.
PSYCH 399: Coping With Your Own Paranoia
The world is not out to get you, and we're here to help. That's right! We can see you right now, but the world is not conspiring to keep you in a miserable job with a workload that seems to lead nowhere. In this course, you will see that there is happiness beyond those shots of absinthe, and the light at the end of the tunnel is not the flashlight of O'Brien as he examines your eyes to see if you're ready to be thrown back into the Ministry of Love. Now drink up your victory gin and sign up for this class you miserable prole!
COMP SCI 201: Running an Effective Blog
In this course, you will see how blogs don't necessarily have to be about English class all the time. Maybe if you actually went outside sometimes and did something with your life, you'd have something else to talk about other than graduate school, food, movies, and your miserable excuse for a cat. You will also learn such valuable skills as brevity, making jokes that are funny to more people than just yourself, and italicized quips at the end of posts are no substitute for legitimate conclusions.
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Tagging - A waste of time for me since 2006 since I don't know anyone with a blog that Virgil hasn't already tagged.
3 comments:
Talk about a classy post!
*dodges thrown objects and what might be a bullet*
Ilove this concept. The sad thing is that I'm pretty sure I've had at least one of these classes.
Oh, and...that part about the government not appreciating sarcasm on a tax form is truer than I'd like to believe. They're also not especially fond of puns or clever metaphors. Why DOES no one warn us about that?
Maybe that's the dirty little secret of English majors. We actually have a good chance of getting some money in life, but we're all too financially inept to handle it well.
If you had a blog, I can only imagine the courses that you'd come up with. I'm sure most of the students in them wouldn't survive to midterm.
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