Now I am the Master!

I went back to Morgantown yesterday because Batmite needed a ride to the airport. He's on a three week trip to San Diego with his parents, so I figured I'd be nice and spare him a three week parking fee at the Pittsburgh airport. I was only there for about 14 hours, so I didn't have much time to catch up with everyone, but I did make some time to visit with a few people. I also made some time to stop in at the English department to find out about my diploma.

I chose to pass on my graduation ceremony, but being the go-getter that I am, also neglected to turn in my graduation absentee form until about two weeks after it was due. I couldn't figure out what this would mean. I turned in my money for graduation and completed all the requirements, so were they going to just burn my diploma? I was actually expecting to have to pay some sort of outlandish inconvenience fee. Colleges love to charge for anything they can. The very existence of a graduation fee seems like a golden opportunity for them to ravage your ass financially when you can't possibly say no.

But getting my diploma was a surprisingly simple procedure - no hassles at all. Given the way the university spends its money, I was amazed at how official the diploma looked. I would have expected it to be scrawled on the back of a used cocktail napkin.

Actually having the diploma in hand felt damn good. It finally felt like I had really graduated. I took a picture of it with my digital camera and posted it above. I was going to blur may name out (in keeping with my anonymity on the site), but I figure that you can't search for a word that's in an image, so no one can Google my name and find it. Besides, most people who read this blog know exactly who I am. And it's not a big secret anyway. It doesn't take Batman to put a few pieces together to determine my identity. I'm not plotting the downfall of civilization or the destruction of large monuments on this blog (I save such diatribes for anonymous postings on Food Network message boards... the other posters think I'm saucy) so I think I'm safe.

And I'm fucking proud of having that damn diploma in hand. Sing it from the sky, bitches! I have a Masters Degree!! All you Bachelors can kiss my fat pretentious ass!

Of course, the diploma does give me pause for a few reasons. First of all, I question the line, "With all the rights, honors, and privileges thereunto appertaining." What kind of bullshit is that? The phrase "thereunto appertaining" gives this verbose English major pause. That's excessive and pretentious wordsmithing at its finest. And what rights, honors, or privileges do I get? Am I going to get a discount at the Family Dollar if I show my diploma at the register? Maybe I'm now permitted to jaywalk with reckless abandon! I'm hoping the diploma gives me the legal right to commit one heinous murder for free. But then I'd have to choose between several tempting targets.

I'm also concerned about my diploma being signed by the infamous Michael Garrison, the President of West Virginia University. Garrison got a lot of bad press recently for granting an MBA degree to the daughter of the current West Virginia governor when she hadn't earned the required credits. Some faculty members are seeking his resignation... some of them quite loudly. Personally, I think it shows a particular naivety on the part of these intelligent faculty members to believe that powerful people aren't going to be corrupt. Besides, if the English department knew how few books I actually read to earn my Masters Degree, they'd probably be calling for my head too!

But I have it writing now. I have a masters degree in English literature! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go enjoy sitting on my unemployed ass for the foreseeable future.

-----------------------------
"When we last met, I was but the learner. Now *I* am the master!"
"Only a master of evil, JP!"