Sing Us A Song, Karaoke Man!

Hello. My name is JP and I'm a karaoke whore.

Yes, you heard correctly. This Star Trek loving, cartoon-watching, single, unemployed blogger doesn't think he's completely proven how truly uncool he is. Karaoke has to be added on to this epic pile of social dysfunction.

On Thursday night, I joined Batmite, Virgil, and Virgil's friend (referred to as D/B on her blog) at the bar down the road. As luck would have it, Thursday was karaoke night! Batmite and Virgil were well aware of my predilection for making a fool of myself in a lyrical fashion, so they badgered me into signing up for some songs. I think they were hoping to make a fool of me (as any good friends would), but the crowd was quite receptive even though I wasn't a stunning singer.

Frankly, though, I don't really care what people think of my karaoke. I really enjoy doing it, but I'm not sure why. I'm not usually one to jump on stage to entertain the masses, but give me a bounded collection of outdated pop songs, and I'm more than happy to badly croon into a microphone like Frank Sinatra's deaf second-cousin. I think my love affair with karaoke represents my inner child screaming, "EVERYBODY PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!" My blog serves this same function.

The sad part (as if it could be any sadder) is that my singing is usually well received by the crowd even though I'm not a talented vocalist. The secret to success at the karaoke bar is to choose songs that fit your vocal range. I can't really do high vocals, so I tend to avoid them. But more importantly, you have to be confident in what you're singing. If you can stride up to the microphone and BELIEVE that you can sing Duran Duran or Billy Joel, then goddamn it, the patrons will love it.

Booze helps too.... the more the bar folks have to drink, the more they love what you sing. About a year ago, I was singing at a local bar near Kittanning and the teleprompter suddenly started going all fuzzy so that I couldn't read the words. Fortunately, I knew the words to the song ("Interstate Love Song" by the Stone Temple Pilots if you're interested), so I kept right on singing. After I finished, this burly bearded guy comes up to me and says, "Did you know the words or could you actually read that gibberish on the screen? Cause if you could read that, I'll buy you a beer!" My opportunistic side easily triumphed over my honorable side, so I replied, "Oh I could totally read it!" The burly fellow shouts to the bartender: "Hey!! Get this guy here a beer on me!! He can read anything!!"

My singing has even garnered the attention of some drunken bar floozies. Granted, they may have been mocking me or using me to make their boyfriends jealous, but I'm easily flattered and will take any excuse to inflate my already swollen ego.

As for my personal intake of booze, that depends on the situation. If the crowd is really into it, then I'll sing sober. I've done it before. I'm high on my love for trashy 80s songs and attention. But if the crowd is less than enthused about the karaoke, I can still be persuaded to get up and belt out a few tunes if I get enough liquid courage in me.

My repertoire typically consists of stuff from 20 or 30 years ago, but not always. Here are some of the ones I tend to sing:
"We Didn't Start the Fire" - Billy Joel
"Sold (The Grundy County Auction) - John Michael Montgomery
"Sweet Caroline" - Neil Diamond
"The Gambler" - Kenny Rogers
"The Asshole Song" - Denis Leary
"Centerfold" - J. Geils Band
"Johnny B. Goode" - Chuck Berry
"Piano Man" - Billy Joel
"Only the Good Die Young" - Billy Joel
"Paradise by the Dashboard Light" - Meatloaf
"Safety Dance" - Men Without Hats

There are some things I'd like to sing that I don't think I'm capable of. I'd love to be able to sing some Journey, but I just don't have the chops to pull it off. There's nothing worse than listening to some poor shmuck butcher "Open Arms" or "Don't Stop Believing." No one wants to hear that. Elton John would be fun to sing too, but he's got some intense vocals that intimidate me. I'll leave the good stuff to the flamboyant professionals, thank you very much.

Thursday night was just like any other night as far as karaoke was concerned. It was only the second time that I'd sung in Morgantown, and Virgil and D/B were highly interested in seeing me debase myself by singing "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls. I think they were trying to see if they could embarrass me, and truth be told, I didn't really want to do it; however, I would have totally sung the song just to see if I could pull it off. It wouldn't have been very good, but I would have put on a damn good show. Fortunately for me (and perhaps unfortunately for them), we all started to get kinda tired, and the song queue was pretty long, so we left before my next turn came up.

What a shame.

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Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like JP?