Employment Reality Check

In the last week, I've been reflecting a lot about my job search thus far. Maybe it's because I have a lot of time on my hands. Maybe it's because I've been reading too many career help books. Or just maybe it's because I graduated five months ago, and I'm no closer to finding a job now than I was then. And to top it off, I'm going to have to start paying back my student loans in about a month.

My knee-jerk reaction is to blame the job market, the English department, surly HR people, or some combination thereof. But after considerable self-reflection (my old boss would be proud), I've decided that I only have myself to blame.

I really haven't been the best job applicant. I may have sent out a considerable number of resumes and cover letters (45 total so far... a number that includes the 28 cover letters with the maddening typo), but I haven't really done the job that I should have. For my own personal self-deprecation and your amusement, I'll list just a few of the ways that I've done a piss-poor job of finding a job.

1. The Name's the Same: Unless a person's name was specifically stated in a job profile, I never went the extra mile to call the Human Resources department of any company to find out the name of the person who would read my resume and cover letter. I'd say 90% of my cover letters begin with "Dear Sir or Madam." While technically valid (I can at least be politically correct), it's an immediate notch below anyone who actually went to the trouble of learning someone's name. I've never once tried to call an HR department to find out the name of the person who would read my resume. I deluded myself into thinking that it wouldn't matter. Well, goddamn it, it matters! Cover Letters for Dummies told me so!

2. Candidate X Loves Company Y: Along the same lines, I haven't done in-depth research of the companies that I've applied to. I'm intelligent enough to find out what every company does (and I've referred to the company's general function in each cover letter), but very few of my cover letters have that extra OOMPH that say, "I know a few things about your company that show that I'm not just copying and pasting your name into a generic cover letter template," which is exactly what I did. I can't even pretend to give a shit.

3. Yawn!!: My cover letters are boring. In addition to being grammatically incorrect, my first batch of cover letters were painfully self-centered and generic. I didn't really involve the company's needs all that much. In revising my template, I went a bit too far in the other direction. My new cover letters are way too long and tedious. I make several references to what my skills can do for a generic "your company," but there's really no zing to it. Hell, *I* don't even like to read my own damn cover letter. At first I thought I was just uncomfortable with reading a self-aggrandizing page about myself, but then I realized, I LOVE writing about myself!! That's why I have this blog. I even read my own entries from time to time... I'm that self-centered. No, my cover letters are a snooze-fest, and if I don't want to read them, my prospective employers certainly won't want to. I need to trim the size down to something more reasonable, eliminate the crap that's already in my resume, and punch it up with a few clever ideas.

4. Time Slips Away: I waste a lot of my free time doing useless activities (like, oh, I don't know... blogging for instance). Over the last eight months, I've sent out 45 resumes. That's averaging a little more than one a week. Considering that I didn't even have a regular (albeit grassy) job until August, that's downright shameful. I have no other excuse other than the fact that job applications are time-consuming, depressing, and seemingly self-defeating when you've sent out 45 of them with no response.

5. What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?: I still don't know. I'm throwing my resume and cover letter out to any company that seems to desire my skills, but I haven't really done much thinking about what I want to get out of my future job. In fairness to my own self-esteem, I've never done much with any career other than teaching, so my first job will be something of an exploration of careers when I get it, but it still keeps me from stirring up much enthusiasm for any one job. But a lack of confidence shines through on a resume and cover letter, so I need to find a way to either bullshit some confident-sounding words or hypnotize myself into believing that every job is the perfect one for me. I'm leaning toward the latter since it would give me an excuse to buy a gold pocket-watch.

6. Unpaid Internship? Go Fuck Yourself: More than anything, I wish I'd listened to my professors at Penn State Erie when they were raving about the unpaid summer internships offered through the department. I can still remember my past self smugly declaring to some unfortunate passerby, "Why would I do this lame job over the summer for no money when I can mow grass and get paid for it?" I was young and foolish (though dashingly handsome). I thought I wanted to be a teacher, so their crappy internships at publishing houses, newspapers, and insurance agencies were for those lesser beings who didn't have a plan like me. Of course, when one changes his primary plan during the second year of grad school, those indomitable interns suddenly seem a lot wiser in retrospect. My friend Dave recently reminded me that when I switched my major from engineering to English, I pompously stated, "I don't care if I never get a job. I can't stand being an engineer." The latter statement is still true, but after five months of unemployment, that former sentence stings a bit. It's like when the 21 year old frat boy proudly declares to his buddies that he doesn't care if he becomes an alcoholic but then grows to regret his earlier revelries after two failed marriages and an atrophied liver.

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So in light of these personal revelations, I've decided to buckle down and start doing things right. I can't change my mistakes of the past, but I can keep from proliferating the same stupid problems. I've already bookmarked the contact information for a few companies that I'm applying to, so I can hopefully get on the right track with this stuff.

I also got a book from Barnes & Noble today called From B.A. to Payday: Launching Your Career After College, which provides practical and emotional advice for newly-graduated liberal arts majors regarding the world of job hunting (another possible reason for this current musings). I only started reading it, but in the first chapter, he essentially says, "Do you have a degree in the liberal arts and are now living at home with your parents with no job opportunities and no idea what to do?" I almost shit myself when I realized just how accurately his description fit me, but I don't know if I feel better or worse knowing that 75% of people who graduate with a liberal arts degree are in the same boat. The writers go on to explain the problem with me and my ilk: "It's not really arrogance in the truest sense of the word; it is more a combination of naivete and entitlement. Naivete because they know too little about how the business world works, entitlement because they believe they shouldn't have to learn."

Yeah, that seems about right.

So for the time being, I am newly motivated to improve my job hunt. We'll see if Hayden and Wilder know what they're talking about in their book, and we'll see if I can curb my paradoxically co-existing boundless pride and limitless self-pity.

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The Pennsylvania Lottery: Bypassing all of this nonsense ever since numbered ping-pong balls could be forced through a clear air hose.