Who rocks the single life? This guy right here!I have been sans girlfriend for the last nine months, and if it weren't for my critical lack of a sex life (aside from loving left hand), I'd be content to live the single life for quite some time. I came to this realization over the last few weeks as my brother's wedding has been pushed back and Joe's wedding is about to rev up. The point was further driven home this past weekend.
Over the weekend, my Kittanning crew and I went to Deep Creek, Maryland for Joe's bachelor party where we partied like suburban geriatrics! The highlights of the trip involved soaking in a hot tub, making catty comments while everyone else went fishing, playing a cutthroat Risk game, and dozing off during the Penn State football game. Now some of you may be saying to yourselves (or perhaps cackling to loved ones), "Well no wonder the douchebag's single!" But I had a blast, and I didn't have to impress anyone with my manliness (my friends have long since accepted my lack of interest in anything cool). I also got to drink, act like a complete idiot, and leer at bar wenches without a girlfriend, fiancee, or wife giving me grief.
This is not to imply that I wouldn't like to have a girlfriend. Back in August, I actually sucked up my pride and joined eHarmony for a month. I figured that if I was going to be stuck in Kittanning for awhile (little did I realize that "awhile" would last longer than I'd anticipated), I might as well hook up for a little horizontal refreshment. I had been sitting on the couch moping in my own misery when one of those saccharine commericials for eHarmony came on, and they said that I could take their test and see my matches for free. With nothing better to do (applying to jobs does not count since that experience equates to shoving a hot fork in your eye), I went online and took the test. When they said "32 dimensions of compatibility," I assumed that there would be 32 questions; how wrong I was. There were 32 pages... each with about 15 questions on it. The damned application took over an hour, and some of the questions were just perplexing. How do answer "How self-aware are you?" Isn't "self-awareness" a precondition for being sentient?? If you answer "not at all," does that mean you possess the mental capacity of a grapefruit? But if you answered that question at all, then aren't you aware of yourself? It's like one of those logical paradoxes that Captain Kirk would present to an evil robot in order to short circuit its brain.
In any case, I got my matches (sans pictures), looked them over, thought it was kinda interesting, and then forgot about it. I wasn't about to shell out money for this damned thing. Three days pass. I get an email from eHarmony informing me, "Kristen from Pittsburgh would like to start communication." Well, who the hell is Kristen? What does she look like? How do I talk to her? Is she the one for me? Turns out that such questions can only be answered after paying their exorbitant fee! I was legitimately impressed by such a shrewd business ploy, and my curiosity got the best of me, so I signed up for a month-long membership.
Kristen turned out to be a bust (though she did have an impressive bust as I recall), but I hit it off with two other women on there. Oddly enough, just as my eHarmony membership was about to run out and we had been communicating successfully via actual email for some time, they both suddenly stopped returning my emails. In my mind, they both somehow met each other and became lesbians, and they make passionate love to each other every night. (I don't care how far-fetched that scenerio is! Don't ruin my fantasies god dammit!) I was annoyed and disappointed by their sudden disappearance but somewhat relieved. With no job and no idea of where I'd be living in the next few months, I wasn't sure how to approach the local dating scene.
Since my eHarmony subscription ended, I've been happy to simply wait until I find permanent employment to start my love search. I've actually been enjoying the lack of pressure. I'm in no hurry to get engaged or married, and the single life has its advantages. If I don't feel like going out, I don't have to. If I want to take off for a weekend to visit with friends, I don't have to worry about anyone else. I don't have to plan dates or romantic evenings. And most importantly, with the holidays approaching, I don't have to worry about buying a present. Sure I have to buy presents for my family, but they have to be happy with what I give them no matter what. Unconditional love's a bitch isn't it?
Some might suggest the famed one-night stand as a temporary option; however, I've done the one-night stand a few times, and it's horrible. The drunken four-legged frolick is great, but the weeks of guilt after telling the hopeful young lady that I'm just not ready for a relationship (or being douchebaggy enough to say "Let's just be friends") are just not worth it. Give me the internet and a box of Kleenex any day.
I certainly won't reject a good opportunity for a relationship if it happens, but I'm not going to worry about my single status right now. I'm going to enjoy my "me" time!
--------------------------------------------
This post brought to you by eHarmony: a safe company for your investments. We prey on the loneliness and desperation of others - natural resources that are always abundant.
7 comments:
You're cute
I know it. The bitches... they loves me!
You should watch him when he goes bowling...
Actually, my favorite moment is always when somebody says, "well, we have to go," and then JP puts away the beer in one draw.
I get it's the size thing, because it doesn't hit you like it would hit somebody else, but god that's impressive. I have yet to see you drunk, though.
I still haven't seen you drunk either. I've got a plan swimming around in my head for coming down to Morgantown sometime in November, so perhaps something can be done about that.
Though we've been promising heavy drinking nights for over a year, and it never happens. We'll mix some rum and Hawaiian Punch and get shitfaced on the cheap.
Though my ability to gulp large quantities of cheap beer is legendary.
And I do make a cute kegler! :)
Just as long as there's not an air mattress inflating at three in the morning that sounds like, oh, I don't know, the entire world caving in on itself. lol. That was a tad unexpected.
Haha. Sorry about that. I sometimes forget that the thing sounds like an airplane engine.
Post a Comment