Oh! NAGGERS! Right!My younger brother hates Wheel of Fortune. This is something of a personal slight toward me because I grew up watching it and other ridiculously simplistic game shows. Wheel of Fortune, Press Your Luck, The Price is Right, Card Sharks, and even the games on Nickelodeon like Get the Picture or Double Dare were always on my "Must See" list. Other kids were watching G.I. Joe kick Cobra Commander's ass; I was watching Wink Martindale mock yet another losing contestant on Tic Tac Dough.
Nevertheless, I can see my brother's point. Wheel of Fortune is a pretty stupid game show when you get right down to it. I won't say that this is the dumbest game show on television. Deal or No Deal certainly takes that prestigious title, and the newly created Hole in the Wall (also on NBC) turned my mind into liquid shit during the one episode that I watched. However, Wheel of Fortune is essentially the bastard game offspring of roulette and hangman, and any simpleton can play it. In fact, simpletons are quite common:
I always find it remarkable that in any television market, this show is always paired with Jeopardy, the game show designed for people with quadruple doctorates in English Literature, History, Chemistry, and Sports Trivia. I'm honestly shocked that Wheel of Fortune has a screening process. I think all you need are basic public speaking skills and a lame home life that makes for a folksy story.
You know the best part about Wheel of Fortune? Nobody loses! Even if you take third place, you get to keep whatever money you made. If you hit bankrupt every time or just bought way too many vowels, you get to take home a minimum of $1000!! I'd be astonished if people don't apply to be on this show in droves!! Hell, compared to that, Family Feud actually makes you EARN your money. At least that show requires a rudimentary understanding of public opinion polls.
I have to wonder about Pat Sajak and Vanna White. Vanna's lazy ass job is well documented, and I can see the allure of simply showing up to point at electronically-activated letter blocks. But she must wonder how long she's going to have a job. She's 51 years old now. I'd say she's got 10 years tops before people start to think it's creepy for someone's grandma to be wearing slinky dresses on daytime TV.
Pat Sajak, however, is a meltdown waiting to happen. He's so relentlessly chipper and personable on the show that I'm eagerly awaiting the day when he suddenly goes apeshit, calls every contestant a fucking imbicile, and then declares, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??" before stripping to a thong and making imaginary snow angels on the big wheel. I'm telling you, the headline, "PAT SAJAK HAS NERVOUS BREAKDOWN" would be an instant classic! He'd be convicted of indecent exposure, breach of contract, and maybe attempted arson when he eventually tries to burn down the home of Merv Griffin. Twenty years from now, people won't say, "He went postal." They'll say, "He went Sajak!"
I choose to believe that Pat Sajak is actually a total asshole and degenerate in his personal life. Wouldn't that just totally screw with your world view? What if Pat Sajak beats his wife? What if he throws coffee into the face of Starbucks employees and demands, "Get me a fresh cup! I'm Pat Fucking Sajak!"? What if, ten years from now, he's in the paper as "Pat Sajak: Convicted Sex Offender." The guy just seems too damned jovial. I mean, at least there are inklings that Alex Trebek cracked back in the '80s:
And did I mention that Pat Sajak has a giant square head? It's like he's got a giant can of pudding on his shoulders. Fucking Pat Sajak.
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9 out of 10 readers are inwardly scolding JP for mocking a true entertainer like Pat Sajak. The last reader is still devastated over what Pat Sajak did to his dog.
You know the best part about Wheel of Fortune? Nobody loses! Even if you take third place, you get to keep whatever money you made. If you hit bankrupt every time or just bought way too many vowels, you get to take home a minimum of $1000!! I'd be astonished if people don't apply to be on this show in droves!! Hell, compared to that, Family Feud actually makes you EARN your money. At least that show requires a rudimentary understanding of public opinion polls.
I have to wonder about Pat Sajak and Vanna White. Vanna's lazy ass job is well documented, and I can see the allure of simply showing up to point at electronically-activated letter blocks. But she must wonder how long she's going to have a job. She's 51 years old now. I'd say she's got 10 years tops before people start to think it's creepy for someone's grandma to be wearing slinky dresses on daytime TV.
Pat Sajak, however, is a meltdown waiting to happen. He's so relentlessly chipper and personable on the show that I'm eagerly awaiting the day when he suddenly goes apeshit, calls every contestant a fucking imbicile, and then declares, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??" before stripping to a thong and making imaginary snow angels on the big wheel. I'm telling you, the headline, "PAT SAJAK HAS NERVOUS BREAKDOWN" would be an instant classic! He'd be convicted of indecent exposure, breach of contract, and maybe attempted arson when he eventually tries to burn down the home of Merv Griffin. Twenty years from now, people won't say, "He went postal." They'll say, "He went Sajak!"
I choose to believe that Pat Sajak is actually a total asshole and degenerate in his personal life. Wouldn't that just totally screw with your world view? What if Pat Sajak beats his wife? What if he throws coffee into the face of Starbucks employees and demands, "Get me a fresh cup! I'm Pat Fucking Sajak!"? What if, ten years from now, he's in the paper as "Pat Sajak: Convicted Sex Offender." The guy just seems too damned jovial. I mean, at least there are inklings that Alex Trebek cracked back in the '80s:
And did I mention that Pat Sajak has a giant square head? It's like he's got a giant can of pudding on his shoulders. Fucking Pat Sajak.
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9 out of 10 readers are inwardly scolding JP for mocking a true entertainer like Pat Sajak. The last reader is still devastated over what Pat Sajak did to his dog.
4 comments:
You a racist! You a hater!
Stop blogging!
Granted, I did post the potentially inflammatory picture at the top of the page, and my clip illustrating dimwits on Wheel of Fortune featured a black woman. And I made fun of that dashing dago Alex Trebek.
But I think you're forgetting....
um....
that is, my....
Yeah, I'm probably a racist. Son of a bitch. And here I tried so hard not to be.
It's not racism, it's realism
Wh.. what? Who are you people? Why the hell are we discussing this on THIS post of all things?
Wait! I've got it! It's Pat Sajak spamming me. I'm on to you, Sajak. Your attempt to fluster me will not work, you pudding-headed flibbertyjibbit.
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