Lamentations of the Loser

Curse you, Barack Obama!! You have outwitted my campaign and bested me in the general election. Even the surefire addition of Jean-Luc Picard to the "JP For President" ticket failed to garner the interest of voters.

Oh sure, your charming demeanor, solid economic policies, compassion for the ills of the poor, commitment to improving health care, and commanding stage presence may have swayed voters. But you're the President-Elect of the United States of America. You don't have the long-standing and biologically-innate ability to easily turn a blind eye to inner-city education, third-world countries, and brown people. Goddamn it! As a giant white male in the target demographic of 18-40, I can ignore all of those things without breaking a sweat and still have enough ignorance left over to completely keep sexual discrimination, gay rights, and social security reform from ever entering my mind.

And yes, your victory speech last night may have actually inspired millions across the country and given hope to disillusioned and disenfranchised people everywhere. But where were the awkward pauses and insincere smiles that people expect from their President? I didn't see that, sir, and I'm disappointed! As President, I would have been NOTHING but awkward pauses and phony facial expressions. I could pull funding for child cancer research and grin about it until next Thursday. I know how to behave like a real President of the United States.

I will say this in your favor though, President-elect Obama: you also defeated Virgil! That makes the defeat so much easier to swallow.

With 349 electoral votes and 53% of the popular vote, you certainly know how to make the voters sit up and say, "I loves me some chocolate!"

That's probably why I voted for you too. Damn you, Barack Obama!!

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Self-Loathing: Proving to be a greater detriment to voting for oneself than any existential crisis could ever be.