Thou Shalt Not Kill, But *I* Sure Will

I think I need to buy a Bible. There are a lot of very intriguing stories in that book for the cynical heathen to enjoy.

As per usual, I was photocopying church bulletins, and this week's bulletin happens to be really heavy on Moses. While mindlessly feeding pages into the copier, I couldn't help but notice the following heading in the bulletin:

PRESENTING MOSES:
Teacher
Lawgiver
Murderer
Prophet
Leader

It seemed to me that one of these job titles was a little out of place. It would be like looking at the resume of a respected doctor and seeing "Convicted Rapist" wedged between Pediatrician and ER Surgeon. I brought the bulletin into Mrs. Employer, showed her the page, and pointed to the heading. I asked, "Which one of these things is not like the other?"

I realize that I haven't read much of the scriptures in over six years, but I didn't really remember Moses as having been a murderer. That little tidbit seemed to have been overlooked by Charleton Heston as well. Nevertheless, it's quite the tale. This is what it says in Exodus 2: 11-12: "One day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to where his own people were and watched them at their hard labor. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people. Glancing this way and that and seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand."

I've seen enough Law & Order to know that Jack McCoy would never let Moses get away with that. Not only did Moses go out of his way to ensure that no one was looking, but then he concealed the evidence of the crime!! I realize the Egyptian was beating the Hebrew, but Moses was the Pharaoh's adopted grandson - essentially royalty. Couldn't he have simply told the Egyptian to stop or he'd force him to build pyramids or something? But it gets even better in the next three verses: "The next day he went out and saw two Hebrews fighting. He asked the one in the wrong, 'Why are you hitting your fellow Hebrew?' The man said, 'Who made you ruler and judge of us? Are you thinking of killing me as you killed the Egyptian?' Then Moses was afraid and thought, 'What I did must have become known.' When Pharaoh heard of this, he tried to kill Moses, but Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in Midian." So not only is Moses a murderer and a liar, but he also flees the jurisdiction!

What I'm dying to know is what Moses' real reaction was to the ten commandments after this incident.
GOD: "Number six: Thou shalt not kill!"
MOSES: "Umm... can I be grandfathered in on that one?"

Mrs. Employer told me all sorts of fun facts about Moses, and the more I learned, the more I started to like him. Did you know that Moses got into a petulant shouting match with God and fucking won!? Apparently God wanted Moses to go preach to some people, but Moses bitched and complained about his lousy speaking skills, so God caved and told him to send his brother Aaron to do it. I repeat... God caved! That is fucking impressive!! Even James T. Kirk got a lightning bolt to the chest for asking, "What does God need with a starship?"

Moses had a lot of anger issues. Not only did he smash the ten commandments in a fit of rage after seeing his impressionable followers worshipping idols, but he repeatedly went on a rampage whenever his uppity flock did something to question his authority. For instance, after decades in the burning desert, some 250 of his followers gathered and accused Moses and his brother Aaron of thinking they were better than everyone else, and claiming God's authority as a way of maintaining power. I guess they finally got sick of their shit. Moses berates them mercilessly for their insolence, but that doesn't work. So Moses gets God to intervene, and he has a completely reasonable punishment for these dissenters. God splits the Earth apartswallowing up all 250 of the dissenters and their families, burying them alive. I can see why God liked Moses. They went to the same anger management classes.

This is great stuff. The Old Testament is so much more fun. Everyone (including God) is always pissed off, and someone is always eager to smite someone else. Human sacrifices are surprisingly commonplace as well. I think a lot of fun could be had from a closer reading of the Bible, and I now know that Moses will have my spiritual back if I ever decide to kill a man.

It's nice that so many people use this book as their moral compass.

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Moses: Leader, Prophet, Murderer, Certified Badass!