In response to "Why I'm Awesome" by Virgil.In her most recent blog post and in the comments for my last post, Virgil has been challenging the essence of my being for no honorable reason. Laughing at me, you say? Don't bother with a reply, you say? Well, madam, I shall not take these indignities sitting down. Why, I'll even be standing as I type.
So here is why *I* am awesome... specifically, how I surpass Virgil's awesomeness in every respect that she lists:
1. My child is better than Virgil's child because mine is imaginary. I named him "I Get to Sleep Through the Night and Never Change Diapers or Help with Homework." ... Or "Junior" for short.
2. I am also a writer, but I don't adhere to outmoded colonialist narrative structures that incorporate detail, motivation, and perspective in a dictatorial attempt to destroy more enlightened stylistic forms. While to the untrained eye my writing may seem pedantic, meandering, hackneyed, or plodding, I'm actually subverting the traditional authorial and didactic expectations of a post-structuralist readership. Epic win!
3. The truth is just an excuse for a lack of imagination. I will not insult the creative impulses of my friends, family, or students by giving them a cliched "truth" when a lovingly crafted fabrication stimulates the mind in a far superior manner. And how can I be expected to get anything done without the careful and skillful manipulation of those around me? What you would call manipulation, I call leadership!
4. Backbones can be broken, but spineless folk like me are more flexible and adaptable. The world punishes initiative and gumption but rewards cowardice and a lackadaisical attitude. When a Virgil goes down after challenging someone more powerful than herself, there will be a JP there to suck up to the new boss and earn favors. It's all about the endgame, Ms. Virgil.
5. A toilet can stir shit. I am not impressed. Besides, white males the size of most doorways seldom earn people's sympathy with finesse. When retaliation is required, I bluntly state my case. When that inevitably fails, I utilize my spineless nature to beg forgiveness. Then with all the time I saved, I spend the evening drinking myself silly to forget why I ever wanted to retaliate in the first place. Efficiency, madam, I has it!
6. I'm not just a "pretty good" teacher... I'm an EXCELLENT teacher! Not only have my students labeled me "ballin' out of control" and "better looking than most of the other English TAs," but I effectively prattle on for an entire class period to provide the illusion of an education without ever having to actually instruct about anything useful. It's acute business sense. Sell nothing but earn money-dollars. Coming to my class was like buying a pet rock... looks pretty, but it's fundamentally worthless. Financial cunning, Ms. Virgil. That's what I call it. Just wait until you see the business model for my Thneed company.
7. I am the ultimate man about town... mostly because I never go out. The suspense only whets the appetite of the community. And when I do go out, I also look smashing in a dress or leather pants. And when I drink, there is never want for entertainment, because as long as a karaoke machine is nearby, prepare to be regaled by the finest rendition of "Hungry Like the Wolf" that you've ever heard! Why I can hear those melodious strains now....
It's clear who wins here, Ms. Virgil. JP represents the epitome of humanity! Your attempts to bait me with baseless insults were fruitless.
:)
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"A true victory is to make your enemies see that they were wrong to oppose you in the first place."
7 comments:
I love how all of the reasons you're "awesome" have to be cribbed from my list first.
What's the matter? Can't come up with categories of your own?
Of course I could've made a far simpler list than I did. It would've probably started like this:
Why I'm More Awesome Than JP:
1) I have a job
2) I have my own apartment
3) I can drink beer stronger than piss water ...
I'm sure you could see how the list would go on, but I hate to see grown men cry. It aggravates me.
Oh, whoops, I forgot one:
4) I get laid. Regularly.
... let me think of what else I can come up with ...
Oh, and in a money-where-your-mouth-is moment:
Come with me to Fight Night 8/21. I'll pay your way in, I'll buy your beer, and you can crash at my place for the weekend.
But.
You have to look better than me in either 1) a dress or 2) leather pants.
Shall we have fisticuffs, miss?
They were *supposed* to be cribbed from your list. How can I prove my superiority unless I surpass you in EACH of your listed accomplishments? Thoroughly owned!
Furthermore:
I have a job. It's just a shitty job.
I *will* have an apartment starting next week, but for the moment, mooching remains my gloriously burden-free existence.
If I want to drink PBR Lite diluted with a gallon of kool-aid, then that's my business.
Well played in pulling the sex card, though. Touche, madam.
I will definitely try to finagle my way to fight night. I'd look FABULOUS in a miniskirt cheering on those strapping young boys.
Do it. I'll even pay you $50 if you show up that way. I know you could use it, considering that your job is an under the table tax savings for your employers. I suppose since "imitation is the highest form of flattery" I should've expected you would take my list rather than coming up with reasons of your own.
Saying you have *plans* to be independent is not quite the same thing as doing the thing, is it? I have plans to run the country according to my whims. Doesn't make it so.
But that's probably a good thing, because my first official cabinet placement would be to make you Pet-In-Chief anyway. I believe I have a Big & Tall dog collar around here someplace. And stop calling me "Madame." Madames run whorehouses. Mistresses put sissyfied boys in their proper places.
We both know you just want to have sex with me. That's why you insist on me wearing revealing attire. :)
Who could resist a giant ball of success like me?
...Madame!
Sounds more like you're asking me to pimp you out.
That can be arranged, since you seem to have a fetish with wearing girls clothes.
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