Love and Rockets

I'm two days into my official student teaching, wherein I go into my placement every day. For this first week, I simply continue to observe my mentor teacher and go into some other classrooms to see how other stuff is done. However, the stories of legend continue to spring forth from the original classes that I'm in. I can say with pride that the ninth graders this year as every bit as immature and inappropriate as I am.

I've already blogged before about the smartass girl with the hyperactive sex drive in the inclusion class. This girl's FLIRT dial goes up to eleven. Only two days in, and she's already made a huge spectacle of herself in front of me on more than one occasion. Yesterday, my mentor teacher gave the class some time at the end of the period to talk quietly. Of course, some of the kids in the back turned around to talk to me... because I'm just that awesome. Hyperactive Sex Girl (HSG) was one of them. She looks down knowingly at my feet:
"Wow Mr. P! You have really big feet."
"Yeah," I say absentmindedly.
"So..." she says wickedly, "what else of yours is big."
I catch on fast and reply deadpan: "I have really big socks."
I thought that was rather clever of me, but then HSG caught me off guard with the following:
"You know, there's nothing wrong with dating a 15 year old."
I pause. I can't think of any response that wouldn't set me up for an interview on To Catch a Predator, so I simply roll my eyes and turn to talk to another student.

Today, things got even worse. I was conferencing about paper outlines with students in the inclusion class while my mentor teacher monitored the room. Of course, 3/4 of the room didn't even do the assignment, but HSG sure did. She comes sauntering back in a manner that I can best describe as amateurishly seductive. She flops down in her chair in leans dramatically forward, making damn sure that I know what she's trying to do. I'm ready for her bullshit now, so I tell her firmly to sit down. She still makes some attempts to garner my attention, but I ignore her and get through the damned conference.

With only five conferences to do, I finished early and assumed my usual role of wandering about the classroom to keep the inclusion folks from pulling each other's hair, dancing in the aisles, and flipping desks over. When I wander in front of HSG's desk, she pats her desktop and coos, "You can sit here if you want, Mr. P."
"I'll pass"
She glances at the guy who's subbing for the special ed teacher, a guy about the same age as me. "You're so much hotter than the sub," she says loud enough for everyone to hear.
"Get back to your reading," I say.
The sub has no reaction and looks rather bored. "You don't look happy to be here," says another student to the sub.
"I'm just doing what I can," says the sub.
"No wonder you'll never get laid!" HSG shouts to the sub before turning to me. "You're so much better than him."

My mentor thinks I'm handling HSG pretty well, but she makes me nervous. I know I'm not going to do anything inappropriate, but who knows what sorts of shenanigans she's going to pull next. Sweet statutory, I don't need this in my first year. Mentor teacher even admits that she's one of the stranger cases that she's had in all her years.

But the inclusion fun doesn't stop with HSG. Before the holiday, another inclusion kid came into the classroom while the mentor teacher was on her lunch break and proceeded to draw at least a dozen very clear and detailed pictures of penises and balls all over the teacher's podium. Apparently this is the kid's calling card, who routinely draws them all over his homework and assignments in all of his classes. He's a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, but maybe he's got some Oedipal issues as well. In any case, the drawings are still there for some reason, and the final honors class took note of them yesterday.

Now honors kids are a different breed, of course. They're smarter and generally more mature; however, they're still kids who like to make jokes. Heck, I'm 26 years old, and drawings of genitals all over a teacher's podium would make me giggle like Beavis and Butthead too. The great thing about honors folks is that they're far more clever in their immaturity. Instead of jumping for the obvious, one kid blurts out, "Hey Mr. P!! Check out the rocket ships on the podium!" Another kid shouts, "Yeah! They've got big wheels on them too!" Then the floodgates open. "Looks like the exhaust is coming out the wrong end of that one." "That rocket looks pretty chubby." "Look at the size of that one!! It must be penetrating really deep space!" My mentor teacher was actually teaching the class, and even she couldn't keep a straight face. Meanwhile, I'm in the back trying so hard not to laugh and failing miserably.

I'm not sure why this English class in which we're teaching research papers has become a hotbed of sexuality and explicit content, but it's certainly more interesting and colorful than I'd been expecting. I have to admit, even though it's probably frowned upon by the administrators, it's certainly not boring.

----------------------------------
"What is it son?"
"I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant..."
"Dick! Dick, take a look out of starboard."
"Oh my God, it looks like a huge..."
"Pecker! Over there. Wait, it's not a woodpecker..."