I Fight Authority, Authority Always Wins

The Greeks saw hubris as the ultimate character flaw. That's why in most Greek tragedies, the hero loses as a result of overconfidence. In Christian mythology, pride is one of the seven deadly sins. A common proverb in the English language is "pride always comes before the fall."

Well, I fell like a prom dress at midnight.

I was driving to the IHOP tonight (the excitement that is my life), and I had to pick up Vivek. I get to his house, and the instant I step out of the car, I see that a sherriff's car is right behind me. Now, given the shady area of town that Vivek lives in, I could have assumed that he was there for any number of reasons, but I knew better. I knew that fate was catching up with me.

See, you can't just take on the law and expect everything to work out for the best. Anyone who's been reading this blog knows that I'm going to fight my third speeding ticket. I was feeling really confident about the whole thing too. I thought I was cock of the walk; strutting around, fluffing my plumage and such. The law had nothing on me!! I was invincible.

Until I got nabbed going 50 in a 35. Once more unto the lame speeding tickets, dear friends. This is the third time in a row that I've gotten pulled over for going 15mph over the speed limit, and it's my fourth ticket overall. I never speed on purpose, but somehow it just happens. Am I really the fastest motherfucker in Morgantown? Is my putzy little Escort really tearing up the roadways more than any other vehicle? How can I get two speeding tickets in the span of a month?

I know what you're thinking: Slow down assface! That's a valid assertion, but I'd like to offer a theory. There are no flat roads in Morgantown. Most roads are inclined at 45 degrees or more. These are some steep roads, and that steepness keeps accelerating my car without me realizing it. The last speeding ticket was right after a hill as well. No fool I. These cops are doing this on purpose. They know this as well as I do.

I brought some of this on myself of course. It probably didn't help that I had Officer Jed Clampett pull me over. He seriously got out of his police truck (not car), spit out his chewing tobacco, and said, "Where y'all in a hurry to, sonny?" Since I was parked at Vivek's house, I told him "Visiting a friend." He said, "Who's your friend?" And I said, "Vivek."

Now that's probably where I screwed up again. I should have said, "Bill Johnson," "Dick Goodhart," or "Bob Everyman." A name like "Vivek" certainly won't win me any favors with our tobacky-loving Appalachian friend. At least Vivek stayed inside. I'd probably be in Guantanamo by now if he came out.

Interestingly enough, I got another "I'll cut you a break" cop. He put down 45 in a 35 instead of 50. There's no way I can fight this one. This was a legitimate catch on their part, but I still don't get it. There are hundreds of underage college students drinking on High Street, vandals spraypainting everything they can find, and a sign thief on the loose (which is great, because he probably took the sign on the road I had to videotape). Yet these police have nothing better to do than constantly watch "The Speed Demon" as he commits his random acts of high velocity villainy across Monongalia County.

The Tally So Far
Police: 4 - Justin: 0

Das Reboot

"Reboot, in series fiction, means to discard all previous continuity in the series and start anew. Effectively, all previously-known history is declared by the writer to be null and void and the series starts over from the beginning. It is analogous to the process of rebooting a computer." -- Wikipedia

As readers of this blog are aware, my current favorite show right now is the new Battlestar Galactica. This series, despite how totally kickass it is now, is based on a cheesy, goofy, campy, and ridiculous series of the same name that was created in 1978. The new Galactica is a complete reboot of this old series. The campy show was given a total overhaul that utilized the main premise but took the show in an entirely different direction. The producers consciously tried to make the show more realistic, edgy, shocking, and contemporary.

Well I thought it might be interesting to apply this same idea to a number of different shows. So without further ado, here are my ideas for reboots of old forgotten television shows that deserve a second chance:

Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood - In this new version of the classic children's show, Fred Rogers (played by Christopher Walken) hides out in his little house in order to evade the police. Instead of simply sitting on the couch and feeding his fish, this Mr. Rogers makes frequent trips to the Land of Make Believe where he teabags King Friday.

Full House - Danny Tannero, a former mob boss, must put up with his three gothic daughters after a rival mob boss kills his wife. He orders two of his most trusted men to live in his mansion to keep watch. All seems to go well until Uncle Jessie kills Joe in a fit of rage after he finds Joe and DJ in bed with Mr. Woodchuck.

Manimal - Dr. Jonathan Chase is a mild-mannered man who acquires the power to turn into any animal that he chooses. Instead of using his power for good, Chase uses his powers to unleash vengeance upon those who wrong him. In the pilot episode, a waitress accidentally spills Chase's coffee into his lap. Chase turns into a bear and mauls her. In another episode, Chase morphs into a boa constrictor and strangles Jehovah's Witnesses.

Clarissa Explains it All - Teenager Clarissa Darling is a problem child of divorced parents. Deaing with her heroin-addict mother and alcoholic father make her life extremely difficult. In an early episode, Clarissa gets knocked up by Sam, the syphillis-infected football star, and she must go to her brother Ferguson, a registered sex offender, to get an abortion. Clarissa's discussions with the audience often lead to minutes of angry ranting with candid discussions of her sex life and problems with anorexia and acid trips. The show airs on HBO due to graphic nudity and strong language.

Bill Nye the Science Guy - Having spent years explaining typical scientific theories, Bill Nye moves on to more... unusual ideas. He explores concepts such as cloning of pelicans, mutant supermen, growing multiple genitals, and using a cow brain as a car battery. Bill Nye, even as his friends try to get him psychiatric counseling, constantly pushes the envelope. The series is cancelled prematurely when Nye attempts to impregnate himself with the sperm of an emperor penguin.

The Pink Panther - In an attempt to bring in wider range of viewers, FOX reboots the old Pink Panther cartoons. The new Panther enjoys the homosexual lifestyle afforded by his ritzy New York fashion job. The storyline follows the Pink Panther's love troubles with the likes of Woody Woodpecker, Huckleberry Hound, and Snagglepuss. Although the characters resemble their original counterparts in most respects, the creators chose to make them anatomically correct leading some critics to wonder if they should really remain naked.

Saved by the Bell - Well... hmmm.... you know, I don't think any amount of reworking can make this show watchable.

I'm Fighting the Law and I'm Going to Kick Its Ass

Okay, I was all set to plead guilty to my speeding ticket (see previous blog). I went to the county magistrate's office all ready to pay whatever was needed for going 29 in a 25. That was until the secretary told me that the fine is $170.00!!! What kind of clusterfuck law enforcement is this town running?? So I decided to contest my ticket. The secretary told me that I'd have nothing to lose but my time.

Well there's nothing I do better than wasting time. These people have no idea what they're up against. If I had any sense, I'd go pay this damn ticket and get it over with. Maybe it's my affinity for Law & Order. This is my chance to be Jack McCoy and pull some clever legal maneuvers. I can't help it.

The judge (or whatever she was) didn't seem to indicate that there was any kind of standard accepted speed limit, so maybe Morgantown doesn't have one. Both the judge and the secretary think I have a good argument if I can prove it.

The judge suggested that I take a video camera along the road to film the proof that there's no signage. This sounds like courtroom entertainment waiting to happen. These people don't have anything exciting going on. I mean they do speeding tickets every day. Just because my video has to be informative doesn't mean that it can't also be entertaining. Justice may be blind, but cripples have a sense of humor too.

So I'll have a court date sometime in December or something. I'm really looking forward to it actually. I apparently have absolutely nothing to lose. Apparently, if I lose my court case, the maximum fine I can be given is $100.00. I get 70 bucks knocked off just for saying I'm innocent!!!

Isn't America great?

I Fought The Law and the Law Won

An alternative title that I was considering for this post was "Third Time's a Charm." I was travelling into downtown Morgantown last Friday night on a road that I literally travel EVERY DAY. Perhaps I'm cursed (and that may be a serious consideration... but that's another story), but as soon as I got into the Morgantown city limits, I was pulled over by the police.

Long-term friends of mine are probably aware that I have been pulled over by the police twice before - both times for speeding. This time was no different. Chief Wiggum caught me going 42 in a 25. On the plus side, he told me he was going to "cut me some slack" by putting "29 in a 25" on my ticket. Why couldn't he save me a lot of trouble and just tear up the ticket? I'll tell you why - because Officer Barbrady probably checked his records in the car and found out that I've already got two speeding tickets.

Here's a little history. My first speeding ticket was completely ridiculous. I was going 35mph in a 25 zone on my way to school. Officer Ziggo (I'll forever remember that name) pulled me over. Apparently, the neighbors had complained about speeders on this lovely stretch of road in the peaceful hamlet of Kittanning. I have literally seen people going 55 on this road. I've been PASSED (quite illegally) on that street. But Ziggo decided to pull me over to teach me a lesson - a $110.00 lesson apparently.

Well my second speeding ticket was pretty legit. I wasn't paying attention and I got nailed going 72 in a 55. That's pretty fast. I grant that. One wonders, however, if I would have gotten off with just a warning if I didn't have a prior speeding ticket.

That leads to the latest ticket. Regardless of why the cop gave me the ticket, I now have it, and I have to deal with it. On my way into school on Monday (going a carefully regulated 25mph I might add) I happened to notice that NOWHERE on that road is the speed limit posted.

I was eccstatic! I was going to fight the law!! Rage against the machine!! How could I get a speeding ticket if I couldn't possibly have known the speed.

That is until I looked some stuff up on the Internet. Apparently, municipalities will have an "unwritten speed limit" rule written into the law. The speed limit is automatically whatever the city council deems safe in the absence of marked signs. That is some shady shit right there!

I thought I still might have had a chance given that Officer "I'll cut you some slack" wrote 29mph on my ticket. The Internet then informed me that officers will still note the actual speed in their records - probably to guard against irate citizens (such as myself) who have a vendetta against local law enforcement.

So before I even had a chance, the law already won the battle.

Maybe if I had shown off a little skin I might have gotten a break. This is a pretty liberal town. The cop might swing that way....