Now Now, Why Don't You Get a Job

"Yeeeeeeaah..."

The job search continues. I've been scouring the internet looking for any company that will hire a sarcastic English major with zero experience. Thus far, I've applied to eight technical writing positions. I was rejected by the one in Uniontown, PA, but the others are up in the air. Four of the jobs are in the Pittsburgh area. One is in Washington D.C. One is in Alexandria, VA. One is in New York City. And my most recent application went to a company in Cleveland, OH. I haven't heard back from anyone.

The Cleveland application gave this surly job-seeker some much needed entertainment. I churned through the usual tedious online application form: contact information, education background, resume, cover letter, signing away a kidney, etc. But then on the last screen, they prompted me for the following:

Original Poem: Write an original poem of 40 to 60 words about your most recent or current job.

After staring blankly at the screen for a few seconds, I naturally responded with several minutes of shouting "What the fuck!!??" to the screen and any small rodents that might be living in the wall while flailing my arms in the air and silently cursing the English gods for their delicious sense of irony. I certainly wasn't about to back down from a 40 word poem. I'd written a 20 page paper about 19th century sex organs... this would be cake.

As I set about writing this epic masterpiece, it began to dawn on me that I REALLY HATE POETRY! I don't like writing it, reading it, or reciting it for throngs of hipsters in a tea house filled with pottery and patchouli oil. But I also couldn't figure out the reasoning for this little requirement. This was a technical writing position. Tech writers do boring shit like proofread instruction manuals, write the warning labels for kitchen appliances, and ensure that the instructions for all automatic hand dryers are clearly marked... (Press Button - Receive Bacon.) Why would anyone care if I can write a poem?

I suppose there are a few possibilities. Maybe it's a way to make sure people don't apply to the position without giving it some thought. Or maybe they're trying to see if I can think creatively. I believe the most likely explanation is that the guy coming up with the online application was a failed creative writer, and this is his revenge for years of artistic failure that was dubiously described by his peers as "sublime."

So I struggled with the poem. I wasn't sure what kind of poem a software company would want. Maybe a stream of consciousness? Too weird. A haiku? Too short. How about a sonnet or a jintishi? I'd probably just embarrass myself.

I finally settled on a simple rhyming poem that's in something resembling a truly perverted iambic pentameter. It kinda sounds like a corny limerick, but it fits their requirements and, most importantly, it rhymes.

Teaching writing can feel like a thankless job,
With students that sometimes make me want to sob.
But demonstrating the importance of writing to my students,
Is an opportunity that took patience, dedication, and prudence.
I learned from my students as much as they learned from me,
About the importance of writing, researching, and a professional family.

All together now.... GRRROOOOOOOAAANNNN!!!

I know it's hokey. I flinch just looking at it again, but my usual self- and student-deprecating style probably wouldn't serve me well when trying to sound like a qualified candidate. A healthy dose of shmaltz can go a long way, though I think I was pushing it with the whole "professional family" thing. God, that just sounds cheesy.

I only filled out this application a few days ago, but I was sort of hoping for a response. I think I would have been happy to be denied the job if someone had simply emailed me saying, "That poem was so terrible that it made me cry. I'm going to go slit my wrists and dip them in salt. I hope you're happy!" But I've gotten used to a lack of communication now. I can't help but wondering how many of my resumes and cover letters are currently residing in some guy's Recycle Bin. However, the corporate world keeps on churning, and I still can't wait to get into it so that it can chew me up and make me its bitch.

At this stage, I don't even care what the job is. Everyone wants job experience and I don't have any. I'd love to call up one of these places and yell, "Look!! Where the hell did your current tech writers get their experience from? Because I sure as fuck can't find a company that's hiring newbies like me!" If I can get two years of experience doing anything (even "assistant genital waxer" at a company's men's room would probably help), I'll have a lot more options open to me.

In the meantime, my seemingly futile job search continues.

NOTE TO EMPLOYERS: If you have any modicum of intelligence, you hopefully did a Google search of the poem above to make sure that it wasn't plagiarized from the internet. I can assure you that my handle of "JP" is not a fiendishly clever cover for my real name. The application that you're trying to verify was, in fact, written by the same charming fellow who wrote this post (assuming that you are a Cleveland-based software company currently desiring a technical writer). I hope you are honored to learn more about this particular prospective candidate than you ever really wanted to.

SECONDARY NOTE TO EMPLOYERS: The sarcasm and apparent ill-will toward my fellow man found in this post (and on this blog in general) are not representative of my general working attitude. When money and my real name are involved, you can bet your corporate ass that I will be the most polite, polished, and professional sumbitch you ever laid eyes on. But give me an anonymous virtual forum in which to publish my tirades and vitriolic rants, and the inter-web will be ablaze with the fire of my words!

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The Undesirable Element: Now joining Facebook and MySpace on the corporate list of websites that employers should check before hiring sardonic and acrimonious (but shockingly verbose) tech writers.