Today is a Good Day to Steal

Denver robber with bat'leth (left) not nearly as menacing as Worf with bat'leth (right)

A thief in Denver made my day. While most armed robbers are maddeningly dull in their choice of weaponry, one man decided to stand out from the crowd in a glorious fashion. This man held up a few 7-11 convenience stores with a Klingon bat'leth.

According to an article from the website of local Denver TV station (the local news delivers the goods for once), "The clerk told police a white man in his 20s, wearing a black mask, black jacket, and blue jeans, entered the store with a weapon the clerk recognized from the Star Trek TV series."

What I love about this story is that everyone involved must be an avid Star Trek fan. Not only did the fanboy thief pick his warrior blade from the Star Trek mythos, but the clerk recognized it as such. Not only that, but the Klingon pillager went on to rob ANOTHER 7-11 in the area:
"A half hour later, police received a call from a 7-Eleven at 2407 N. Union Blvd., where a man matching the previous description entered the store with a similar weapon. He also demanded money from the store clerk. The clerk refused and the robber 'transported' himself out of the store on foot. Both clerks described the weapon as a Star Trek Klingon-type sword, called a 'bat'leth.'"

So two 7-11 clerks recognized the weapon as being a Klingon bat'leth. I have to admit that I'm thoroughly impressed but a bit disturbed. I don't like the idea of the most notorious Trekkies in the media right now being an armed robber and two 7-11 employees. This is not good press coverage for we who fanatically follow the goings-on of the fearless crew of the starship Enterprise. On the other hand, I absolutely adore this robber for his Trek-inspired brand of larceny. It was not a wise choice to make to avoid detection. While this elusive robber hasn't been apprehended yet, it shouldn't be hard to track him down. There are very few stores that manufacture Klingon bat'leths. I once saw one being sold at a specialty weapons store in Erie, PA, and I was tempted for a moment before noticing the extravagant price. Apparently Klingon honor doesn't come cheap anymore. Kahless would not be pleased.

Of all the geek-related weaponry that this man could have used, I'm proud that he went with a Klingon sword. There's a certain practicality in his choice. A plastic lightsaber doesn't actually cause much physical harm beyond some minor bruising, and most laser guns don't, to my knowledge, actually fire lasers. A bat'leth, assuming it was actually made of metal (the police apparently don't know yet), could do some legitimate damage if weilded properly. Nevertheless, he could have made some other stylish choices. He could have gone with a replica Blade Runner gun; it's not real but it looks intimidating as hell. And if he was dead set on using a Star Trek themed weapon (and who wouldn't be), then he could have used to the Vulcan "lirpa" that Kirk and Spock used to do battle in that one episode where Spock got horny. As it stands, though, he went for the elegant "bat'leth," the weapon of choice for all Klingons looking to efficiently gut a Romulan.

While I've never decked myself out in Klingon garb or learned any parts of the Klingon language, I can understand the allure for Kling-o-philes. Klingons are, to coin an outdated '90s phrase, totally boss, and they're usually played by actors who are experts at chewing scenery at an alarming rate. Christopher Lloyd, John Larroquette, and the guy who played Uncle Phil on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air have all been Klingons in the movies or series. My personal favorite (and Batmite agrees) is probably the Shakespeare-quoting bald Klingon from Star Trek VI who has an eyepatch BOLTED to his skull:
He marginally beats out this guy:
So my nerd hat is off to this Klingon bandit. He probably purchased that bat'leth and proudly showed it off to his family and friends... who mercilessly mocked him for his foolhardy purchase. But he showed them all what he could do with the blade of a warrior!!

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9 out of 10 readers are sick of JP's seemingly endless Star Trek references. The tenth reader is the Klingon bandit who graciously decides to give JP a substantial cut of the loot... since that's the Klingon way.