Call of The Great Wall

On Monday, Chinese food was on my agenda for lunch. I had a craving, and I wanted it satisfied. So after teaching, Vivek and I went wandering down High St. in search of The Great Wall, a Chinese restaurant I had heard good things about. I had driven by this place several times. Looked sizable enough so we figured there would be plenty of seats. When we arrived, however, there were no seats or tables. They weren't just unavailable; they weren't there. This was only carry out or delivery. I'm not sure why they had such a large front room then. Maybe they just like space. But needless to say, we left disappointed. I didn't get any Chinese that day, but I did grab a menu.

Yesterday I still had a craving for Chinese, so I took a look at the menu. Apparently the place has an online ordering system (greatwallchinesefood.com). Since I was curious and didn't feel like decyphering whatever fresh-off-the-boat immigrant they had answering phones there (forgive my racist assumptions there), I gave the internet a try. I ordered some General Tso's Chicken, some rice, and an egg roll.

Over an hour later, my food had not yet arrived. I was irritated, so I called up the place. Surprisingly someone who sounded like an American answered. Unfortunately I found myself wishing it had been a Chinese person; this guy was a douchebag. He informed me in no uncertain terms that they never received my order. Balls to the Internet!! So I placed my order over the phone. I sit back and await my tasty chicken.

10 minutes later I get a call from the restaurant. It's the Asian-poser douchebag again. He can't figure out how to get to my apartment. Now, my apartment is a bit difficult to find, but it's not like I'm located at the center of the Earth. I spent ten minutes trying to explain to this guy where my apartmet is. Finally, I think he has it. I should have known better.

15 minutes after that, I get another call. This time it's from an actually Chinese person who's apparently on the road: "I have you food. You meet me at Dairy Mart at end of road in five minute!"

Now keep in mind that I've now been waiting about an hour and 45 minutes for my food. I'm hungry, and I'm paying a two dollar delivery fee for food that I HAVE TO GO PICK UP AT THE END OF THE ROAD. The pizza man had trouble finding my place too, but at least he made the attempt and eventually found it. This guy was on my shit list.

So I stalk around my apartment muttering like an old man as I search for my shoes. I'm going to let this guy have it. What kind of restaurant is this!? Off I go to the Dairy Mart.

When I get there, I see this rusted, busted-ass Honda pull into the place with the paint peeling off and a pathetic-looking "Great Wall" sign on the top of the car. The delivery boy gets out looking frazzled and tired. Suddenly I feel bad for the poor guy. He probably doesn't operate any of the telephones or computer software. Hell, he probably hates the douchebag phone guy as much as I do. So I smile politely, take my food, and tell him to keep the change.

That's right; after all of this, I actually tipped the guy. I have a heart every once in awhile.

I hope he spends that 75 cents wisely.

Too Short a Season

It's the beginning of the 2006-2007 television season, and once again I have my favorites all picked out. They're all returning favorites. The two new shows that I'm giving a chance this season are Jericho on CBS and Standoff on FOX. It's too soon to tell if these will be any good, but I expect great things from the usual suspects. So without further ado, here are my top five television shows for this year:


5. Smallville
I'm not sure why I keep watching this show. The first two seasons of this show were incredible. The storylines were involving, the characters were interesting, and the Superman mythos was constantly evolving. The show is just a shadow of its former self now. Nevertheless, I've been watching the show for five years now and I plan to keep on going. Season five was at least heading in the right direction even if the show still relies way too heavily on the "freak of the week" formula. He's fucking Superman! Give the guy an enemy that's going to challenge him! Brainiac was a good start. Ending the season with Lex Luthor possessed by General Zod and Clark trapped in the Phantom Zone certainly has my undivided attention. Metropolis is burning and the world looks like it's in for an ass whoopin. We'll see what happens on Thursday. (Smallville airs Thursdays at 9pm on the CW)


4. Law & Order
The original is still the best. Law & Order has been on the air for 17 seasons! Holy shit! My one brother isn't that old! I only got into this show last year with the repeats that run pretty much all the time on TNT. Perry Mason and Matlock can kiss my ass; Jack McCoy is the best damn lawyer that television has ever offered. If my loved one is ever shot up by a transvestite drug pushing pedophile, I'll know who to go to for the conviction. The "Law" half of the show has undergone a few changes this year with Detective Green being made senior partner and being paired with the first female detective on the show. The show lost some steam when the late Jerry Orbach's character Detective Briscoe was replaced, but it's the intriguing criminal plots mixed with complex social commentary that keeps me coming back for me. The season opener was impressive. I intend to keep watching. (Law & Order airs Fridays at 9pm on NBC)

3. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
I'm not sure what the hell happened to this show. It apparently hasn't been cancelled, but new episodes haven't been on since 2005. Adult Swim even promised an Aqua Teen movie that I have yet to see. This show is one that never fails to make me laugh. The bizarre characters, nonsensical humor, and completely social commentary-less plots never fail to make me laugh (okay, the brain spore episode was pretty bad, but that's just one). If you're wondering how these food products are capable of talking and wondering why they seem to interact with regular people with little difficulty, maybe this show isn't for you. They ran a detective agency for a few early episodes, but now they pretty much do whatever. If you can just shut down your brain and enjoy it, then you might stand a chance. Just be warned: They're not teenagers, they're not a force, and water is seldom involved. (Aqua Teen Hunger Force airs apparently at random on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim)

2. House
This is almost my favorite show on television, and a lot of people agree with me. This is one of FOX's highest rated shows, and everyone that I've convinced to watch it has loved it. In fact, I was converted by one of my old roommates last year. It's the best show that no one knew about. The show isn't about a House. It's not a sequel to This Old House. It's a show about Dr. Gregory House. He's the asshole cripple that you can't help but love. Trying to figure out his character is one of the best parts of the show. Dr. House is by no means a simple man. Even the staff can't figure him out. If you're going to give this show a chance, always keep the volume up and pay attention or else you'll miss House's classic one-liners. The show seemlessly blends humor, drama, and medical mystery. Each episode is self contained with a new medical mystery being presented to House in each new episode, but the characters are constantly changing and evolving to meet House's latest quirks. This season, House has apparently been cured of constant pain (which stems from a leg wound) and no longer needs his cane; nevertheless, he continues to rely on it for some reason. What's going on in his head? Well if we knew that, why the hell would we watch? (House airs Tuesdays at 8pm on FOX whenever the fucking World Series is over anyway.)

1. Battlestar Galactica
I take a lot of grief for liking this show, but always from people who have never seen it. They hear the name and immediately think of the cheesy 70's Galactica that's frequently derided on Family Guy and The Simpsons. But this new Battlestar Galactica is a completely different show. This is not a shoot-em-up space cowboy show. This is a serious show about the survival of the remnants of humanity. The show's premise is taken from the old show, but that's about it. There are 12 colonies of Kobol inhabited by humans. While the 70s show made these people look like rejects from a Shakespeare festival, the new show takes great pains to make these people as real as possible. The new Galactica approaches them as planets that developed very much like our own. The Cylons, robots created to serve human kind, attack the 12 colonies in the pilot leaving the Galactica, the last battlestar of the Colonial fleet, to guide the last remnants of humanity to the mythical 13th colony of (you guessed it) Earth. The best characters on the show are Admiral Adama (Edward James Olmos), the hardassed commander of the Galactica who takes absolutely no shit from anyone; President Laura Roslyn (Mary McDonnell), the leader of the civilian population of the fleet; and Dr. Gaius Baltar, the backstabbing, self-serving, Cylon-hallucinating, ego-maniacal collaborator who was partially responsible for the Cylons being able to destroy the Colonies (of course no one knows this for sure). This show would probably best be described as military science fiction. It takes a very realist approach to the entire genre. There are no laser pistols, transporters, holodecks, or whatever. These people are essentially humans as they are today if we could travel in space. When we last left the show, Baltar had been elected President of the Colonies and the fleet had settled on a harsh planet dubbed "New Caprica" believing it to be safe from Cylon attack. The season ended with the Cylon fleet showing up in orbit and Cylon troops marching through the main encampment. Season three will pick up with a Cylon occupation in full force and Admiral Adama planning a rescue operation. Maybe this show isn't for everbody, but it's my favorite show right now. If you don't like it, you can go straight to hell because I don't give a shit. (Battlestar Galactica airs Fridays at 9pm on the SciFi Channel [at the same time as Law & Order you might notice; something must be taped...])

The Fall of the Tall

I had a revelation this week: I'm going to die before you.

Think about it! When was the last time you saw anyone over the age of 70 who is 6'5" tall? That's right, NEVER! I think tall women are especially screwed, but men don't fare much better. Old people are short and frail; I am neither. Something kills off tall people before short people, and I'd like to know what it is. Why does longevity favor the midgets of society but the tall must be made to suffer?

I wonder what the cause of these early deaths is? A few possibilities:
>> Tall people tend to whang their heads on low doorways and lighting fixtures thus causing signficant brain damage over time.
>> Tall people are stretched out thus causing circulation or respiratory troubles as we age.
>> Tall people are more likely to strangle themselves by inadvertently running into clotheslines.
>> Tall people are easy targets for the insane, gun-weilding sociopath.
>> Tall people may be the tallest objects in the vicinity during a lightning storm, thus attracting most lightning bolts. Ironically, such deaths would probably be preceded by someone asking "How's the weather up there?"
>> Short people eventually take out their pent-up rage by poisoning the Metamucil of tall elderly people in the nursing homes.

I'm not sure who is to blame. Are we just naturally prone to death or do we have enemies that eventually thin out our numbers. Whatever the reason, this is cause for concern. Gather forth tall ones! We must unite to preserve our tall status!

Walk tall friends! (But just keep a look out for anyone who may be out to get us.)

It Seems Like Forever Ago

I haven't been in high school for four and a half years!

It's been a good four and a half years!

This is in my brain because the Kittanning High School Band has decided to hold an Alumni Night in which any band student who graduated in the last 15 years or so can return.

At first I thought this wasn't such a bad idea; however, this isn't just a "let's sit around and bullshit while we eat food and drink heavily" kind of reunion. My former band director has decided that Alumni Night will consist of old band students getting together on the football field to PLAY a marching band song.

This was where I called BULLSHIT.

I haven't played my trombone since my high school graduation. Hell, I haven't even seen the thing in about that long. It's probably rusting in my parents' basement somewhere. Besides, I have no desire to get out in front of the yokel clientele of Kittanning and embarrass myself by playing some song from my "glory days" (it happens to be "The Race" for those who are in the know).

Then I starting considering the whole idea in general. What's the point? I still keep in touch with my friends from high school. The ones I didn't like, I'd rather not see again. Hell, every trip home seems like a Class of 2002 Band Fag reunion. Why should I make some kind of special (sober) effort to get together with them again?

Band was fun and all, but it's from a time that's long since passed.

Now, if someone were to throw a Band Alumni Buffet and Kegger, I'd say pop in the Eiffel 65 CD and call me a nostalgic bum!

Blog-verse Beware!

That's right Weberica! I've joined the Blogging world. Not content with the confines of an AIM profile, I've decided that my rantings and ravings require a more expansive venue. I'm not sure what I'll post yet. Maybe I'll dig up some old rants and save them here for posterity's sake. Maybe I'll just start berating my students and professors. That could lead to interesting outcomes. I'll just have to wait and see. Either way, it should be entertaining.

See you when I have something interesting to write.