Venture a Guess

Why the hell aren't you watching The Venture Bros.?

Go! Now! Netflix the first three seasons of this show so that you can enjoy the fourth season that's currently airing on Adult Swim.

If you don't, I will track you down and beat you with a large phallic object.

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"You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass? Well, you're cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup!"

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Legitimate updates are coming, I promise (probably by Friday). Until then, I came across this clip on the internet, and I've watched it about five times now, and it still makes me laugh.

There's a reason Richard Dawson owned at Family Feud. He was not afraid to just throw the whole format of the show to the dogs for a good laugh. In this case, he didn't cause the break from format, but he sure did enjoy it thoroughly. Videos like this are just gold for game show whores such as myself:

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"How the hell did you people get on the show!?"

A Gentleman's Guide to Bar Brawling

In lieu of coming up with original content, I'll retreat to providing amusing second-hand video.

If you seek fine fisticuffery, young pugilists, Alan Shore of Boston Legal shows you how to conduct a proper brawl. No nincompoopery here, good sirs! You'll like the cut of his jib and his unadulterated moxie (probably the only aspect of Alan Shore that isn't adulterated).

Alan Shore is everything I wish I were. He's Fantasy JP.

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"Don't be deceived by my cushy appearance."

For a Chance to Win Big Money!

So many television shows from yesteryear have been reinvented (Password, Press Your Luck, Family Feud), but there are so many game show gems from the past that I personally want to see again. I am an avid fan of the genre, and while some of these titles are obscure, I think they deserve some air time again. Give them a dark blue set with a visible metallic structure and let Regis Philbin host. I guarantee mad ratings.

Match Game: Why this one hasn't been redone is beyond me. Everyone loves washed up celebrities and suggestive and bawdy game show innuendo. For the uninitiated, a contestant would be given a statement with a word missing, and they would have fill in the blank and try to match that word with words written by six celebrity panelists. And the sentences would usually be wildly suggestive. For instance, "Violent Velma is so violent..." (the audience would yell "How violent is she?") "She's so violent that every night before bed she always wants to ______ her husband." The contestant would then give a nice family-friendly answer like "hit," but everyone got the joke. (another example: "Did you catch a glimpse of that woman on the street corner? She has the world's biggest _______.") And the best part of the show is that the celebrities simply screw off the entire time. There's really very little strategy involved, and the D-list celebrities they found were usually very happy to ham it up for the camera. I'm sure today a panel of Tim Curry, William Shatner, Brian Dennehy, and Kathy Griffin would work their magic. Hell, if Charles Nelson Reilly and Nipsey Russell weren't already dead, they'd be right there on day one.

Tic Tac Dough: I remember watching this game religiously, but I don't remember a lot of the rules. It's basically Tic Tac Toe, but in order to put an X or an O on the board, you have to answer some ridiculous trivia question. I imagine half its popularity was due to its incredibly groan-inducing pun of a title, but TV shows have succeeded with less. Look at Deal or No Deal.

Bumper Stumpers: I would be AMAZED if anyone else remembers this show. Contestants had to decypher vanity plates in various puzzle formats. (SK8BDR = Skateboarder for instance). I doubt this would succeed today, but I love odd word games, and this is my fantasy list, so I'm including it.

Double Dare: On the other hand, here's one that just about anyone who watched Nickelodeon at all during the 80s and early 90s remembers fondly. Back then this was relegated to a startup children's network on cable TV, but look what passes for Prime Time network television now. The Physical Challenges and ending obstacle course could be amped up, and you could call the whole thing Double Dare Extreme (or X-Treme for that added punch).

Name That Tune: This is another one that would never take off today, and honestly I don't know how anyone greenlit the program originally. This show was probably like hardcore porn for music nerds. I mostly remember the final round where the host would give some clue about a song, and the contestants would bid on how many notes it would take them to guess it. Some macho asshole typically bid it down to one note, though that was no guarantee that he or she would get it right. This show was balls hard... like Jeopardy for music majors. I'm not sure why my musically-ignorant five-year-old self became fascinated by the show, but in retrospect, perhaps it foreshadowed my later predilection for karaoke.

Classic Concentration: Like the classic children's game concentration but on TV. Match cards, reveal picture, solve picture riddle. This one used to be on back-to-back with Family Feud in the 80s, and it was hosted by Alex Trebek (back when he had his sweet Dago moustache). I've found a whole cache of episodes on YouTube, and there's much hilarity to be had in mocking the contestants for their repeated inability to remember the cards.

$100,000 Pyramid: This is the one I want the most. I used to take my lunch at varying times throughout the day until I found out that $100,000 Pyramid reruns aired at 1:00 every afternoon on the Game Show Network. I wonder if my boss ever considers why my lunch schedule has become so much more regular lately. As opposed to the Match Game, the celebrities on this show had bring their A-game. The normal rounds aren't all that difficult (though you do have to think fast), but the Winner's Circle must be like the ninth circle of hell if you're giving clues. I've seen categories like "Things that are Horizontal," "Vague Things," and "Things that are Cherished." I realize having Dick Clark host it today would lead to all sorts of unintentional and wildly inappropriate hilarity, but he took that game so seriously you would have thought he was proctoring the SATs. There was a brief attempt to bring it back with Donny Osmond about ten years back, but it flopped. I want a big one-hour sumbitch where they up the ante to a million dollars and take the categories to extremes. Let's see them get "Existential Things" or "Parts of a Metafictional Novel."

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"Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful.... (How forgetful was he??)... he was so forgetful that every time he tried to remember someone's name, he drew a blank."

Do Not Frakking Disturb

Tonight is the two-hour Battlestar Galactica series finale. I intend to fully revel in my nerd glory this evening. I will find out if the Scrolls of Pithia indeed predicted that Hera would lead the Twelve Tribes of Kobol to their salvation. I will find out why Earth was inhabited by Cylons. I'll find out why the song "All Along the Watchtower" spans the entire frakking galaxy. And most importantly, I'll discover if Colonel Tigh can be any more badass than he already is.

So because I'm going to be finding the answers to these deep questions that only other fellow basement dwellers with nerdy glasses and an affinity for gun-toting robots can appreciate, I don't want to be disturbed between 9pm and 11:30pm. That's two hours to watch the show, and another half hour to post my delight/disgust throughout various internet forums.

Thank you for your consideration. So say we all.

Do Not Disturb tonight... or Colonel Tigh will fuck up your shit!

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Colonel Tigh: The Intergalactic doppleganger of John McCain.

Able to Jump the Shark in a Single Bound

There's a term in television called "jumping the shark." This refers to the moment when a show has hit its peak, and it's all downhill from there. The term comes from an episode of Happy Days in which Fonzie goes water skiing and jumps over a shark. Apparently, Happy Days had a dramatic decline in quality since that episode, but the creators had the decency to pull the plug on the show not long after that.

Smallville jumped the shark long ago, but its creators continue to taunt the shark with juicy morsels year after year. They simply won't let this show die. Last year, I managed to cut myself off of Smallville. I stuck it out for seven long years, but I finally decided one day that I couldn't watch that drivel anymore. I thought the show was really good in its first three years, but then it gradually slid into a mindless abyss of bizarre character behavior and non-stop superpowered villains-of-the-week. However, I'd invested so much time into the show that I felt obligated to see it through to the end. I thought it couldn't possibly last beyond a seventh season.

I was wrong. The show is currently in its eighth season, and there's talk of there being a ninth.

For the longest time, I couldn't understand who was keeping this show alive. I thought I was one of the few masochistic viewers clinging to this show out of sheer will. Then I visited a Star Trek message board (as if anyone reading this is surprised), and I came upon the following exchange regarding Smallville:

KIRKALICIOUS: "How in the fuck is this show not cancelled yet?"

SPOCK4PREZ: "Because it is one of the best shows ever on TV. BSG and LOST may be superior but Smallville was and always will be greatness at its best. It is the show that The Adventures of Superman (1950s), Lois & Clark and Superboy and even the bigscreen features wanted to be. It is the very incarnation of the myth...

"Honestly, I hope it'll never stop. After nine years of Smallville let's go on with another ten years of Metropolis...suit and flight provided, of course.

"Smallville is the reason I became insterested in comic book adaptations in the first place! It is far superior to any Marvel movies..."

WORF-DWARF: "My god. Never did I think that words could actually give me a stroke. But bravo you've found away."

(Names changed to protect the shamelessly nerdy, though I'm sorry to say that none of them is me.)

I now imagine that everyone still watching the show is just like SPOCK4PREZ. Of course, I go to the same message boards as these fruit cakes, so I'm hardly in a position to judge. Though it says something that people who masturbate to the footage of Kirk fighting the Gorn are giving this man grief for having no taste.

I browse the Smallville entry on Wikipedia every once in awhile just see what new lows the show has sunk to, and the show never fails to disappoint. Just about every major character has left the show. Clark Kent and Chloe are still there, but Lex and Lionel Luthor are both gone as are Clark's parents and Lana Lang. Lex Luthor was the best character on the show. That should have been their cue to end it right there.

But no, they just keep going. Even though I no longer watch the show, I have a morbid fascination with its progress. I'm definitely going to watch the series finale (if they ever decide to let this abortion of a show die) just to see how they decide to end it all. I like to think they had some idea of how they'd transition to Clark being Superman, but knowing this show, it probably has something to do with some emo kid discovering he has the power to control wasps and using them to sting Clark until he becomes Superman. Smallville is already bringing in the Legion of Superheroes and Zatanna for a wacky plot or two, and if you don't know who either of those are, just nod politely and walk away now.

I'll end now with a partial list of the moments given on "jumptheshark.com" that first indicated Smallville's downfall. I think you'll get the idea:

1,937 Votes: Too much fawning over Lana
1,420 Votes: Never Jumped (at least this many people think the show is still in its prime, or SPOCK4PREZ has voted that many times)
687 Votes: Lana, Lois, and Chloe become witches
179 Votes: Lana is pregnant with Lex's baby
89 Votes: Krypto the Super Dog
60 Votes: Aquaman
47 Votes: Singing the Dukes of Hazzard Theme
40 Votes: Chloe survives a mob hit
18 Votes: Matricide

Yes, that's right. Matricide!

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Star Trek Fans: Lording their good taste and superior skills with women over the Smallville fans since 2004.

Yeeeeaaaaahhhh!!!!

David Caruso: King of the One-Liner

Why does CSI: Miami continue to garner good ratings? Is it because of its stellar writing? I highly doubt it. Is it the top notch acting? They wish! Could it be the preponderance of women in string bikinis that are constantly filling the background? ... Perhaps... But I believe that the real reason this show still brings in the viewers is the David Caruso One-Liner.
Every teaser opens with some hapless Miamian getting killed in a gruesome fashion followed by the CSI crew showing up for the initial investigation. The teaser ends with David Caruso slipping on his shades while uttering a completely deadpan one-liner (often a pun) about the situation at hand. For instance, suppose they come across a man who's been mauled by a dog. David Caruso (or Horatio Caine if you'd rather use his character's name) will slyly stare at the body and say, "Well I suppose in this case..." (puts on sunglasses) "... a dog wasn't man's best friend." The show's theme song, a variation of The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again," will then immediately kick in with the screaming "YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
And these one-liners occur in every single episode. Viewers of the CSI franchise are probably saying, "Well Grissom does the same thing in the original series as well!" That's true, but when Grissom delivers the line, he always has a little smirk on his face as if he knows he's making a wise-ass comment. David Caruso's expression never changes... ever. You see his expression in the picture at the top? That's how he looks ALL THE TIME. You wouldn't think that the line, "Looks like the wave isn't the only thing about to hit Miami." could ever be delivered with a straight face, but David Caruso will prove your ass wrong!

JP's Note: This is my favorite one

The deliberate and calculated way that he puts on his sunglasses while delivering these one-liners is just icing on the cake. Someone putting on a pair of sunglasses wouldn't seem to be a ridiculous action... until you see him do it a hundred times in a row!

That's how you do a one-liner, my friends.... Miami style!

I watch those clips, and I can't help but wonder what it must be like to be a writer for CSI: Miami. The one-liners are just the most noticable traits; the show really fails on all levels. David Caruso seems to demand the same character description as Batman: "Awesome and Badass!" The problem is that everything else takes a back seat to that. You would think that David Caruso would have to be a scientist first and foremost, but David Caruso is to "scientist" as Batman is to "detective;" it's all just a pretext for kicking ass. Not that there's not a certain appeal to watching David Caruso skulk in the background and scowling at everybody while interrogating suspects in a gravelly voice, but you can't hang an entire show on that.

Or so I thought.

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"Wow, David Caruso! CSI: Miami really jumped the shark!"
"Yes... I suppose you could say it really should be FIN-ished."
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

(JP's Note: I don't know who first created those Caruso Cartoons, but it wasn't me. My hat is off to the clever bastard.)

And The Actual Retail Price Is...

Take a look at that!! Some poor shmuck got the showcase EXACTLY right. And if that weren't bad enough, the person he beat was only off by $494. That's like me hooking up a secret webcam in Angelina Jolie's shower only to see Batmite suddenly get in with her. There can be only one winner in each case.

Naturally, the man wins both showcases, and I'm happy for the guy. He looks like someone who's greatest thrill in life is finding an extra stick of deodorant in his sock drawer. After decades of mediocrity and failure, this old kook finally gets his moment to shine.

But who's there to bring the moment down? None other than funny-man Drew Carey. The contestant beat astronomical odds and did something that hasn't happened since the '70s, and you announce his victory in the same tone of voice as a doctor telling a patient that he has prostate cancer. You could barely contain your excitement on Whose Line is it Anyway? when Colin Mochrie won a billion fake-points for imitating an ostrich, but you can't even high-five the guy who got the Showcase EXACTLY right and was having the time of his life? You look like his winnings are coming directly out of your paycheck.

Drew Carey is a terrible host. I don't even watch the show all that much anymore because I have to put up with Carey's barely comprehensible directions and his complete lack of vocal inflection. He's the only game show host that I've ever seen who looks like he's doing his job against his will. Even Alex Trebek seems to get some joy out of heckling the socially-awkward geeks who appear on his show. Ben Stein had more charisma on Win Ben Stein's Money than you have on The Price is Right, and he actually WAS giving away his own money.

I'm happy for the hapless contestant. It's always fun to see something out of the ordinary happen on a game show. Too bad Drew Carey only gets his kicks from watching contestants fail miserably.

Now if someone could only win $50,000 at Plinko we'd have ourselves a day!

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Help control the pet population... eat a kitten!

Reinventing The Wheel

Oh! NAGGERS! Right!

My younger brother hates Wheel of Fortune. This is something of a personal slight toward me because I grew up watching it and other ridiculously simplistic game shows. Wheel of Fortune, Press Your Luck, The Price is Right, Card Sharks, and even the games on Nickelodeon like Get the Picture or Double Dare were always on my "Must See" list. Other kids were watching G.I. Joe kick Cobra Commander's ass; I was watching Wink Martindale mock yet another losing contestant on Tic Tac Dough.

Nevertheless, I can see my brother's point. Wheel of Fortune is a pretty stupid game show when you get right down to it. I won't say that this is the dumbest game show on television. Deal or No Deal certainly takes that prestigious title, and the newly created Hole in the Wall (also on NBC) turned my mind into liquid shit during the one episode that I watched. However, Wheel of Fortune is essentially the bastard game offspring of roulette and hangman, and any simpleton can play it. In fact, simpletons are quite common:

I always find it remarkable that in any television market, this show is always paired with Jeopardy, the game show designed for people with quadruple doctorates in English Literature, History, Chemistry, and Sports Trivia. I'm honestly shocked that Wheel of Fortune has a screening process. I think all you need are basic public speaking skills and a lame home life that makes for a folksy story.

You know the best part about Wheel of Fortune? Nobody loses! Even if you take third place, you get to keep whatever money you made. If you hit bankrupt every time or just bought way too many vowels, you get to take home a minimum of $1000!! I'd be astonished if people don't apply to be on this show in droves!! Hell, compared to that, Family Feud actually makes you EARN your money. At least that show requires a rudimentary understanding of public opinion polls.

I have to wonder about Pat Sajak and Vanna White. Vanna's lazy ass job is well documented, and I can see the allure of simply showing up to point at electronically-activated letter blocks. But she must wonder how long she's going to have a job. She's 51 years old now. I'd say she's got 10 years tops before people start to think it's creepy for someone's grandma to be wearing slinky dresses on daytime TV.

Pat Sajak, however, is a meltdown waiting to happen. He's so relentlessly chipper and personable on the show that I'm eagerly awaiting the day when he suddenly goes apeshit, calls every contestant a fucking imbicile, and then declares, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??" before stripping to a thong and making imaginary snow angels on the big wheel. I'm telling you, the headline, "PAT SAJAK HAS NERVOUS BREAKDOWN" would be an instant classic! He'd be convicted of indecent exposure, breach of contract, and maybe attempted arson when he eventually tries to burn down the home of Merv Griffin. Twenty years from now, people won't say, "He went postal." They'll say, "He went Sajak!"

I choose to believe that Pat Sajak is actually a total asshole and degenerate in his personal life. Wouldn't that just totally screw with your world view? What if Pat Sajak beats his wife? What if he throws coffee into the face of Starbucks employees and demands, "Get me a fresh cup! I'm Pat Fucking Sajak!"? What if, ten years from now, he's in the paper as "Pat Sajak: Convicted Sex Offender." The guy just seems too damned jovial. I mean, at least there are inklings that Alex Trebek cracked back in the '80s:

And did I mention that Pat Sajak has a giant square head? It's like he's got a giant can of pudding on his shoulders. Fucking Pat Sajak.

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9 out of 10 readers are inwardly scolding JP for mocking a true entertainer like Pat Sajak. The last reader is still devastated over what Pat Sajak did to his dog.

Internet Killed the Video Star

Sometimes I come up with a title that's just too damn clever for it to be original. Such is the case with this title. According to Google, 42,000 other websites have used it; however, if I learned one thing in grad school, it's that titles can't be copyrighted, so I'm plagiarizing it and providing a clever video.

In any case, the fall TV season is about to start in a few weeks, and I haven't been less enthusiastic about that since the highlights of my television schedule were Inspector Gadget and Double Dare. There are absolutely zero new shows that I'm interested in checking out. Of all the returning shows, only House is still appointment TV for me. The Venture Bros. won't be returning for its fourth season until Fall 2009, and Battlestar Galactica starts its new episodes in January 2009.

The only new Law & Order on this fall will be SVU, and I wasn't impressed with the most recent season. I may check it out every once in awhile, but I certainly won't make a point of watching it every week. Law & Order: Criminal Intent just finished its season on the USA Network, but I've never been a big fan of that series (although I watched the season finale last week, and it was pretty cool). Apparently Jeff Goldblum will be replacing Chris Noth's character in the next season, so maybe I'll give the series another shot then. The original Law & Order won't begin its 19th season (19TH SEASON!!! JESUS!!!) until January 2009 just like Battlestar Galactica, so my Jack McCoy/Admiral Adama fanfic will have to hold off until then.

I can say with some measure of pride that I finally kicked my Smallville habit during the middle of its seventh season. That abortion of a show strung me along for years before I could finally see that it wasn't going anywhere. The actors playing Lex Luthor, Lionel Luthor, Lana Lang, Martha Kent, and Jonathan Kent have all left the show. The show just won't fucking work without Lex Luthor. He was the only thing keeping me on board. I almost want to tune in just to see how bad it can get (and I've seen it get pretty damn bad), but I know that's just a path towards self-destruction. I'll stick with reading a few episode recaps on the internet, thank you very much.

Instead of watching new television shows, I've found a haven over at Netflix. I can rent the old seasons for any TV show that I want, and there are plenty of critically-acclaimed shows that I've never seen. I'm almost through the first season of The Wire, and as much as I hate to admit when everyone's right.... everyone's right. The show is amazing. The creator knows it's amazing too. If you listen to his audio commentary for any of the episodes, he raves about how awesome his show is so often that you begin to feel like you're listening to an auditory masturbation session. Seriously, I think I have commentary cum in my ear. (HAR! Disgusting metaphorical imagery! Thanks Masters Degree!)

On my Netflix list, I've also reserved the first seasons of Boston Legal, The Office, and 30 Rock along with quite a few movies. I've heard great things about all three shows, but I've never watched them regularly. That should fill up some of my TV time.

Alternatively, I could always commit myself to becoming a bigger football fan. I enjoy watching the Steelers play most of the time, but if no one else is around, I'm more inclined to surf the internet, watch old reruns of Law & Order, or eat a gallon of pudding. I've finally gotten to the point where I can watch a game and know most of what's going on, and I even get excited during the games. I finally went to my first Steelers game at Heinz Field last night, and I enjoyed myself. But I just don't get the same rush out of watching every football game that my friends from Kittanning seem to. I claim that they're obsessed, but then I remember that I know how the stardate system works on Star Trek, and I shut my mouth.

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"If we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever know what's on?" - Family Guy (back when it used to be good)

Television of Dubious Taste

A few days ago, I was flipping through channels at my parents' house, and I came across Hogan's Heroes on TV Land. I paused for a few moments to enjoy the raucous antics of those wacky Nazis in that hotbed of hilarity: the concentration camp. My brother happened to wander into the room, and he looked at the TV and said, "Hey what are you.... wh.... are those NAZIS!? On a sitcom!?" What's not to understand? What could be funnier than a zany group of cute and befuddled Nazis?

This got me thinking about the nature of television. I've read a lot of articles about how the quality of television has waned in the last several decades. With reality television, MTV, professional wrestling, and Cold Case dominating the airwaves, I guess television critics are understandably weary of poor-quality shows. But their nostalgia for a golden age of television is sorely misplaced.

I'd love to meet Mr. Sensitive who green-lit Hogan's Heroes... like 15 years after World War II ended. "Yea, I think the Jews have had plenty of time to get over that whole Holocaust thing. Besides, surely it was more fun than they let on. Nazis are HILARIOUS!" I kinda like Hogan's Heroes because I'm a cynical and insensitive prick, but I just don't see how it caught on like wildfire back in the day. (Side Note: Did you know Colonel Klink was played by a Jewish guy!?)

But lest you think the Nazis were having all the fun, let's not forget about some other gems. What about I Dream of Jeannie? A show with a slave girl who lives in a bottle will do the bidding of her "master" while wearing a slinky genie outfit has absolutely NO misogynistic overtones AT ALL! What woman would not want to serve her man unconditionally while never having free will or the ability to leave her home? God bless 60s TV for showing us how women REALLY want to be treated.

But if the social messages of the 60s aren't your cup of tea, TV can still provide you some bat-shit insane concepts that should have never gotten beyond the planning stages. When Billy Bob from the Ozarks somehow wandered into a television studio and said, "Hey, I gots an idea about a guy who lives with a talking horse!" an assistant should have written his idea down on a piece of paper, dropped it on the floor, and then promptly taken a big shit on it. How did a show about a talking horse survive for five years!!?? The mind reels!! Of course, this is the same decade that gave us the Adam West Batman series, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

And what the fuck was The Flying Nun? I'd heard of it before, but I assumed that there must be some sort of wordplay at work. Maybe she was air pilot. Maybe she was an avid kite enthusiast. I was wrong. Wikipedia informs me that the show was actually about a nun who could fly... like Superman!! That show lasted THREE years. Somebody explain this shit to me.

Most of these shows were, of course, made with tongue firmly planted in cheek; however, I just wonder about the pitch process for sitcoms at the time. I want to know what kinds of shows were rejected. "Sorry, Frank, but your show about a penguin astronaut is far too ridiculous. Come back with a flying nun or a talking horse and you've got yourself a deal." Actually, there was a show in the 60s called My Mother the Car, which lasted for only a single season. The premise was exactly what you'd expect. Some guy purchases a car that's possessed by the spirit of his dead mother. Apparently, critics and audiences universally despised the show, and this boggles the mind!! A talking horse enchants the public, but a talking car just doesn't cut the mustard? The situation becomes even more baffling when you realize that Knight Rider would be hugely popular only 15 years later.

If only TV execs had this mindset today. I'd be able to sell my uproarious sitcom about a chicken who travels through space and time with a rocket pack. I call it The Rooster Booster.

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9 out of 10 readers have seen the show Greatest American Dog and believe that this show single-handedly refutes JP's argument. The last reader is still too busy organizing his petition to bring back My Mother the Car.

A Shoe Fit for a Monarch

"The Monarch has his hands in many sinister soups." -- The Monarch

One of my favorite shows on TV right now doesn't get many props. That show is The Venture Bros. on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. The show has been on for years, but it seems to be ignored even by people who watch everything else on Adult Swim. I can understand this behavior. When I first watched a few episodes of the show back when I was in undergrad, I didn't really care for it either. The show didn't really seem to make sense, and most of the material didn't seem that funny.

Batmite, as he tends to do, berated me for my lack of taste. He said it was one of the funniest shows he'd ever seen. He gave me the first two seasons of the show, and once I sat down and watched the show in order, it really showed itself to be one of the most intelligently-written comedies on television right now. The humor, however, comes from knowing the characters, their behavior, and the various plots that the show maintains. I can't believe I'm tempted to use the term "story arcs" to describe a cartoon show.

At the most basic level, the show is a parody of Johnny Quest and other "adventure" cartoons of the 60s and 70s. Imagine that Johnny Quest grew up to resent his father and became a failure as a scientist, father, and human being. That's Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture in a nutshell. He's the father of the titular Venture brothers, Hank and Dean, who act like just about any teenager from a 70s cartoon show, complete with lines like "Golly, Pop!" or "It must be that no-good ne'er-do-well ninja!" Even though the show is named after them, Hank and Dean seldom play a major role in any given episode. They're not exactly dumb; they're just really juvenile. The whole family is protected by Brock Sampson, their bodyguard... and by "bodyguard," I mean a human killing machine with blood lust that would put Dracula to shame. Brock Sampson once killed a man using his sphincter! You have to see it to believe it.

The show features a huge assortment of colorful supporting characters, all of whom represent sublime failure in all its glory. But my favorite character is without question The Monarch (pictured at the very top of this post). The Monarch loathes Dr. Venture for reasons that are never really explained, but he takes such pleasure in his role as a villain. He is genuinely upset to find out that his name isn't in the handbook for the Guild of Calamitous Intent (sort of like the Legion of Doom from the Superfriends). He gives dramatic villainous speeches at the drop of a hat, but his schemes are never particularly menacing. In one episode, he gets into Dr. Venture's laboratory, but he doesn't know what to do. So he takes a dump in his toilet but doesn't flush. "LET HIM SEE THE WRATH OF THE MONARCH!" he declares triumphantly.

The most recent episode of the show ("Tears of a Sea Cow") featured the Monarch almost exclusively. The Monarch becomes bored with his new arch-nemesis, so he sneaks into the Venture Compound at night with his two favorite henchmen just to screw with Dr. Venture. He spits on a microscope slide, takes a dump in his pool, and then sodomizes Venture's robot. The episodes with very little plot are often my favorite.

The Monarch's henchmen are glorious characters in their own right. #21 is an overweight comic-book nerd who loves his job as a henchman and often geeks out over nifty gadgets and cool plotlines. He's always seen with the taller nasal-voiced #24 who seems to be in the henchman gig just for the paycheck. Their dialogue could be the entire episode as far as I'm concerned.

But my love for the Monarch is unrivaled. Yesterday, I went to the shoe store to find some new running shoes. My old ones were making the soles of my feet hurt. So I get to the store and narrow my selection to two pairs. This was not a particularly difficult problem since shoe stores have about four pairs of size 15 shoes in the entire building. I couldn't decide which pair to buy. One was New Balance and the other was Nike. I put one of each pair on each foot. They were both the same price, and they both felt about the same; however, the Nike pair had the following logo on it:
I figured that was as good a reason as any. If they were good enough for the Monarch, they were good enough for me.

Unfortunately, I wore these new shoes to go jogging today, and while they did indeed provide necessary cushioning to the bottoms of my feet, they also rubbed two layers of skin off of the top of my left pinky toe.

I SAW THE WRATH OF THE MONARCH!!
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The Venture Bros: Currently in its 3rd season. Go find the first two seasons and enjoy! Satisfaction Guaranteed or your money back!

*Satisfaction will be measured according to a painful process involving electrodes, poisoned needles, three attack dogs, and a pile of compost. Attempts to reclaim money without proof of purchase, proper identification, three photo IDs, a tattoo of a naked Nigerian on you ass, a stool sample, and twelve cherry pies to serve as a bribe will be met with mocking laughter and.... I suppose death or something. Your patronage is important to us, but our own money and greed is MORE important to us.

[UPDATE: I neglected to mention one of my favorite trivial aspects of the show. The creators have the same unbridled love for puns, wordplay, and allusions in their episode titles that I do. Some of my favorites include: "Tag Sale, You're It", "Mid-Life Chrysalis", "I Know Why the Caged Bird Kills", "The Doctor is Sin", "Home is Where the Hate Is", and the upcoming "Now Museum, Now You Don't." Anyone with even a passing awareness of the titles for my posts will understand why I'm a fan.]

Things Will Be Different

While searching YouTube for a clip for my previous post, I came across this segment of a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode called "Tapestry." I know what the context of this scene is, but it's far more fun when you have no idea what's going on...

Oh Picard, you scallywag!

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Q: Loving and leaving hapless starship captains since Stardate 56753.2

The "T" Stands for Tupperware

There are three basic truths about Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: the plot will always get more depraved than you could ever imagine, the normal looking guy is always a pedophile or rapist, and Ice-T must always be badass.

Rapper Ice-T plays Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola on SVU, and while every other character gets put through an emotional or ethical ringer on a regular basis, Ice-T never seems to get the short end of the stick. Even when some crazy sick shit goes down, Ice-T looks golden. In one episode, the entire team comes across a room filled with dead children who were killed by a religious fanatic. None of them handle it well, but a little bit later, Ice-T struts out of the office going, "Sometimes you just gotta step back, ya know!" Ice-T don't cry. Ice-T steps back.

The story goes that Ice-T asked series producer Dick Wolf how he was supposed to play the part, and Wolf told him to do what Ice-T would do if he were a cop. This is a man famous for a song called "Cop Killer," and yet the man who created Lennie Briscoe and Jack McCoy, the two most awesome characters in the Law & Order franchise, told Ice-T to play Ice-T. That would work for him. And this is a man whose name is "Dick Wolf" - he knows a thing or two about manliness.

But it turns out that the "Original Gangsta" has a softer side. About a month ago, I was watching Conan O'Brien, and Conan was interviewing our boy Ice-T. They were discussing Ice-T's new album, when Conan suddenly asked Ice-T about a tupperware party that he was apparently hosting. Not attending -- hosting. Ice-T was all too happy to talk about it. "Yo, tupperware is street, Conan." When Conan understandably laughed and scoffed at the idea of Ice-T throwing a tupperware party, Ice-T explained that rich people don't use tupperware because rich people don't have leftovers. Only poor people know about tupperware. Ice-T was annoyed because one critic asked, "What's next? Ice Cube doing a kids movie?" Ice-T's response: "Guess what, asshole! He's done two of 'em."

So Ice-T threw a tupperware party. And he apparently went all out. I was thinking about this interview today, and I started Googling around. Articles abound regarding Ice-T's baller tupperware party. There's even video footage of it:

He called it a "Tupper-Bowl" party. According to one website, Ice-T and his wife Coco (a swimsuit model no less) teamed up with Tupperware to host the first ever "Tupper-Bowl" party. This event celebrated the culmination of the Giants' football season and the upcoming Super Bowl. This all benefited the Kips Bay Boys and Girls Club of America.

Bitch, please! That yellow lid doesn't match!

Ice-T invited rappers and SVU co-workers. I could actually see Christopher Meloni, Mariska Hargitay, or even Richard Beltzer attending Ice-T's rocking tupperware party, but according to that same website, the ones who showed up were the lousy new guy and B.D. "gayest Asian man since George Takei" Wong.

I find all of this bizarre and fascinating. Ice-T is the epitome of heteronormative manliness (rapper, married to a supermodel, tough-guy demeanor), and yet he apparently longs for little touches of a softer suburbia. Ice-T's Tupper-Bowl party is like some bizarre nexus of straight-gay-black-white-urban-suburban-male-female life.

Of all the Ice rappers, who would have expected Ice Cube to star in children's movies and Ice-T to host a tupperware party? Of course, Vanilla Ice was in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II, so I guess they didn't get out unscathed either.

Here's to you, Ice-T!! You prove that real men don't like their leftovers to get moldy.

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Ice-T: His name may be cold, but inside he's a warm snuggy bear.

I Love a Man in Uniform... In a Totally Straight Way

My favorite TV shows all involve men and women in uniform. Battlestar Galactica revolves around a space military. In the Star Trek universe, all the characters are in Starfleet, which is like a futuristic pacifist military. And all of the Law & Order series focus on police officers. And lest we forget, there's my love for Sean Connery in The Hunt for Red October. I love seeing military operations and police procedurals in film and television.

What makes all of this so baffling is that I am completely ill-equipped to be a man in uniform myself. Not only am I physically unimpressive as a military specimen, but I have strong aversions to pain and death, which seem to be encountered by police officers, soldiers, and space cadets on a regular basis. I could probably handle being a behind-the-scenes kind of guy, handling reports and making witty comments about the war effort. I see myself as being a lazier and chubbier version of Hawkeye from M*A*S*H, only not as successful with the ladies... and, you know, not a doctor.

But this is not my attitude when watching TV. I love Admiral Adama, Lennie Briscoe, Captain Kirk, and all these other people who devote their lives to serving the greater good. I want to see my TV heroes charge into the weapons-filled drug house right in front of everyone else! After all, that's what heroes in uniform do.

Of course, that's not really what they do in real life. The guy leading the charge is usually the first guy shot. Fuck that noise. Let the loud motherfucker with delusions of grandeur who wants to charge the enemy get himself killed; I'll be huddled down about 400 yards away pissing myself and weeping like a little girl, but my cowardly ass will survive. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I guess I'm just fascinated by the mindsets of the men and women who live their lives in this way. It's a social structure that's interesting to me, but I'm not sure why. It's clearly not just the whole uniform thing, despite what my title says. If that were the case, I'd like sports more than I do.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for militaristic values. I guess that makes my dreams of Hitler that much more disturbing.

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90% of all military personnel secretly dream of being unpaid bloggers with a Masters Degree in English.

An Apology to Dora and Diego

Last week I was sure that Dora the Explorer and Go Diego Go were the worst children's shows on television. This week, television proved me wrong. I was surfing through the channels yesterday morning, when a yellow robot and blue cat dancing caught my attention for a moment. I was curious and stopped on the channel. Suddenly a black guy in an orange afro and matching jumpsuit popped out yelling YO GABBA GABBA!!!

I couldn't turn away. Thus I was introduced to the show Yo! Gabba Gabba!

I've never dropped acid in my life, but somehow I imagine the experience being something like watching this show. The show just needs to be seen to be believed.

What is even going on there?? Why is there a wizard and a cowboy seen briefly? And a man with a mustache drawn onto his face? From the episode I watched, that has nothing to do with the show. On YouTube, the comment below the video from a man identifying himself as "kungfuabuse" reads, "The only people hating on this show are people who hate fun."

The premise of the show, as I understand it, is that this highly excitable black guy shows up with his puppets. Once he shouts, "YO GABBA GABBA!!" the puppets come to life and sing and dance. The orange-adorned black guy is seen as their god apparently, because all the puppets look to him for adoration and guidance. It seems like a strange conglomeration of Eureka's Castle and Pee Wee's Playhouse. That alone should scare you.

The messages this show teaches are terrible. The one song yesterday encouraged kids to "keep your hands to yourself." Apparently, touching is only acceptable for hugs and high-fives. The show is obsessed with high-fives. This show needs to be addressed on Law & Order: SVU, I felt so unclean after watching it.

Here's a classic that I found on YouTube:

The monster just ate the sentient food, and the other sentient food is sad... not because their friends were eaten, but because they want to go to the tummy party!

I don't think I can summon a big enough "WTF" for this.

I couldn't imagine what kind of twisted mind made this show, but then Wikipedia made everything crystal clear.

Here is the creator:

His name is Christian Jacobs, but he is better known by his alias, "The MC Bat Commander." But the absolute best part is that, according to Wikipedia, he's a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

He's a MORMON!!

[JP leans back in his chair and lets loose a belly laugh that scares the neighbors]

I just can't do anything to this show that it hasn't already done to itself. Compared to this, Dora and Diego are upstanding role models of sanity. I almost feel bad for blogging about this because it's such an easy target.

I think I should just review children's shows every week. With what's on TV these days, I fear for the sanity of future generations. Thank god I won't be teaching them.

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Yo! Gabba Gabba: Causing one-year olds to fear reality since August 2007.

Dora! Dora! Dora!

Over the Thanksgiving break, my brother and his family came to visit, which means having a five year old and a one year old around the house. (I'm sure I'll be properly reprimanded at Christmas if I got their ages wrong.) I've come to the realization that I won't be able to stand having kids, and I think the only reason for that is children's TV.

Most of the shows are about as exciting as watching paint dry. Some shows like Wonder Pets and Lazy Town are just plain creepy. But my two favorites have to be Dora the Explorer and its male-oriented spin-off Go Diego Go!

The creators of these shows have to be raking in millions of dollars (or pesos as the case may be). Both shows look like they cost about 30 cents to make, but kids go apeshit for them. What bothers me about them is that these shows have very peculiar premises and even worse messages for little kids.

Both shows feature these two kids who can't be older than seven living in the jungle. Dora seems to at least have a house nearby, but I think Diego lives in a treehouse somewhere in the rainforest. At first I thought neither child had adult supervision. Dora only seems to chillax with what may be a lice-infested monkey (or perhaps a jaundiced monkey if the yellow tail and belly are any indication) while Diego pals around with a baby jaguar. But then right at the beginning of one episode, Diego's dad bikes in. He tells Diego that he just spent a week in the mountains with the eagles. What does this tell kids? It's okay little beaner-babies, it's normal for Mexican dads to run off into the wilderness and abandon their kids.

I've now seen a few episodes of each show. Dora's fun usually involves a trip to some destination with two minor obstacles in the way. In a Christmas-themed episode, Dora decides to hike to the North Pole. Remember that this girl lives in the jungle. According to Dora, the trip involves hiking over a snowy mountain, crossing an icy river, and BAM! You're at the North Pole. Keep in mind that Dora's idea of mountain climbing involves throwing a rope (which she once repaired with tape!) up to the top of the mountain. She makes mountain climbing look about as hard as blowing your nose, and her trip halfway around the world took about 20 minutes. Jesus Christ, where's the DORA button on the Travelocity website?

Dora's nemesis is a weasel named Swiper, a kleptomaniac who wants to steal Dora's helpful items for the hell of it. Like Wile E. Coyote, Swiper seems to have a huge cache of devices and vehicles at his disposal all for the sole purpose of stealing Dora's lunch money, coloring book, or magic mittens. Personally, I always root for Swiper because he comes prepared. In one episode, Dora wants to get something that's across the river before Swiper can get it. Dora summons several large blue whales (IN A RIVER!!??) to create a bridge to the other side. Swiper brings a jet ski. He understands that summoning aquatic life should be left in the hands of professionals like Aquaman. My only problem with Swiper is that he never wants Dora's magic backpack that can produce ANYTHING. It makes the replicator in Star Trek look like a soda fountain. Of course, Swiper always loses, and he dejectedly walks away saying, "Ohh, Maaaaannn!!" Dora the Asshole never offers to share.

In Go Diego Go, Diego works at some sort of Animal Rescue Center. So not only is Diego's dad a deadbeat, but he's also in violation of child labor laws. While he's up in the mountains, Diego's pulling down a job. Some animals ends up in trouble (falling in a pit, breaking an ankle, or whatever), and Diego goes to rescue it. What kills me is how well Diego seems to get along with the these jungle creatures. Jaguars, condors, pumas, monkeys, bears, and even snakes just LOOOVEE that little Mexican boy. This kid wouldn't last five minutes in a real jungle. Just once I want to see Diego come down with a horrible case of malaria and then he's mauled by a leopard and then eaten by a snake. Is that too much to ask from Nick Jr.?

In one episode, Diego decides to race a group of monkeys and a group of pumas. What kills me is that Diego wins! He races a fucking PUMA and wins!! In another episode, Diego encourages kids to duck low as he races under some dangling vines. Okay, that's fine. Then he encourages them to duck low again to race under some dangling vines that have GIANT SPIDERS on them. I'm not shitting you, these spiders were huge. I wouldn't go within ten feet of a spider that big let alone run underneath a whole swath of rainforest filled with them. But just when I thought it couldn't get any better, Diego then ducks down to race under dangling vines filled with hundreds of giant snakes. At that point, the little bastard deserved to die.

I tried to find some video of either show, but I found something even better. It's set to the song "Lean Like a Cholo."

I love how well the words match up with the clips. Some loving fan of both the song and show spent a lot of time on this. I don't know what's going on in any of the clips, but Dora the ExploraChola is seen here riding on a giant chicken while dancing with what appears to be the Lorax. This makes about as much sense to me as the real show.

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Dora the Explorer: Encouraging children to wander off without adult supervision since 1999.

Turtle Tip: Ignore Those With Problems

Back in the late 80s/early 90s, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was taking a lot of flak for its comedic depictions of senseless violence. I mean, they were essentially a group of mutant vigilantes carrying lethal weapons and dispensing justice at their whim. In order to appease parents and other people who couldn't enjoy a good robot/turtle melee, the show began to have these little public service announcements called "Turtle Tips" at the end of their episodes.

In this message, an elementary school mullet boy is heckling poor Joey about taking some pot ("You know... MARIJUANA!"). After Joey gives the 80s punk his "oh snap, son!" comeback, Donatello comes on with his final message: "Drug dealers are dorks. Don't even talk to them!"

That's right kids. If a ten year old has somehow fallen in with a gang of drug runners and is trying to push drugs onto elementary school students, the right answer is to castigate this kid. Ignore him and make him a social pariah. Come on, Donatello! This kid is clearly a newbie seller. What kind of professional heckles his customers by flapping his arms and making chicken noises? This kid either needs a friend or an "Intro to Business" class.

I think Michaelangelo has the right idea. Get a pizza, sit down with the drug dealing kid, and make friends. Maybe that's all this leather-clad pre-teen is looking for: a buddy and a good meal. Hall Monitor Donatello the Hardass would have us shove this kid down a well and forget about him.

You're the real turkey, Donatello! That's why no one talks to you.... that and the purple flair.

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9 out of 10 drug dealers in prison blame Donatello for the zero tolerance policy. The last one blames Krang for his Ecstasy from Dimension X.

Smallville Must Die

"Me am Bizarro! Me am going to cause Smallville to jump the shark for the tenth time!"

Why can't I quit you, Smallville? Every time I think that I can safely leave you behind to rot for eternity in the purgatory of the CW, you draw me back in with some awesome plot development that keeps me watching the cringe-worthy, ill-plotted, cliched tripe that makes up about 95% of your show.

I thought I could leave you in season three, when that guy that everyone thought was Batman but was just a nobody with meteor powers showed up. But the awesomeness that is Lionel Luthor kept me around. Then I thought I could turn on you in season four, when you introduced that lame British woman and her weird son who wanted Lana Lang, who was embodying the spirit of a witch (or something). But then Brainiac showed up and all was forgiven. I thought for sure I could leave in season five when your crappy show was slated to move to the CW the following season, but then General Zod took over Lex's body, burned down half of Metropolis, and trapped Clark in the Phantom Zone. I should have known that you'd eventually disappoint, but you had me at "Kneel before Zod!"

Then Season six was the worst of all. Awesome stuff happened, but the writing was so terrible that it would make one of my English 101 students cry. The season ended with Bizarro showing up! Fucking Bizarro! That's a choice move right there! Unfortunately you screwed the pooch with lines like, "I'm just like you, Clark, only a bit more... bizarre." That's practically Shakespearean guys.

Season seven started two weeks ago, and what character did you add? Was it someone awesome like Darkseid or Metallo? Or how about Green Lantern or Wonder Woman? I'd even take Bibbo; at least he's good for comic relief and some quality trout fishing. No! You added Supergirl! SUPERGIRL!! Am I the only one that remembers the crapfest that was Supergirl: The Movie? That's like using David Spade to boost the ratings of a sitcom. It just doesn't make any damn sense.

But even Supergirl won't keep me away, Smallville. You're like the abusive husband that I can't leave because you showed me love during those first few years. I'll take all the abuse and never report it to Mariska Hargitay. Why just yesterday I watched an episode in which Supergirl enters the Smallville Harvest Festival's beauty pageant, and happens to stop a pair of crazed hotties who have weather-controlling powers. No matter how many different colors of kryptonite you come up with, no matter how many times you change the characterization of Lana Lang, no matter how many times you convince me that THIS is the time that Lex Luthor REALLY becomes evil, I just can't stop watching your horrible show.

Please, just let your series die! It was supposed to end in five seasons, and we're now starting the seventh. I've heard rumblings of a possible eighth season. Don't do that to me, because I'll have no choice but to watch. I can't watch anymore, but for some reason I can't look away. Have mercy on this pathetic Smallville addict. Put your show out of its misery.

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Smallville - like receiving a blowjob and a swift kick to the balls at the same time.

A Cold Case of Melodrama

"I'm sorry, but your hemophiliac five-year-old daughter was killed 20 years ago by your cancer-ridden wife and her pedophile boyfriend who was actually your long-lost half brother. Aren't you glad I helped?"

I watch a lot of television, but believe it or not, there are some shows I don't catch at all. Some shows I only catch occasionally, and one of those occasional shows is the CBS show Cold Case. My parents watch it a lot, so I usually watch if they're watching. This is easily the most melodramatic show I've ever seen. There is no emotional heart-string that this show won't try to manipulate.

The show revolves around some detectives (whose names I've never cared to learn) who investigate cases that are in the Cold Case Files (police cases that were never able to be solved at the time). Each episode uses a lot of flashbacks to tell the stories of the people involved in the case those many years ago.

The show has its good points. For one, it shows how different people have dealt with the crime years after the incident. The episodes that are actually kinda good involve crimes that took place in the 30's, 40's, or 50's because they show how the crime influenced a lot of people over a long period of time. It's an interesting premise to be sure. I also have to give props to the music. They always use music from the year that the crime took place. Of course, they usually choose really sappy/tragic songs to force you to that bottle of Prozac just a little bit faster.

On the other hand, the stories are so laughably over the top. On one episode, a kid who worked in his meathead dad's grocery store wanted to be a street dancer, but his jealous brother, who hurt his knee in a fight the two had, killed his brother because the injury ruined his chances for a football scholarship. The dancing boy actually shouted at his father, "I WANT TO DANCE!!! WHY CAN'T YOU ACCEPT THAT??"

In the one I saw the other night, a mother tried to commit suicide with her infant daughter because she thought she was a bad mother. She survived, but the baby didn't. Once the case was unraveled, they show the family coming to terms with this as Journey's "Open Arms" plays over the scene. If a more melodramatic scene exists, I'll French-kiss a puma. This isn't exactly an upbeat show. The color scheme for the show is gray. The locales are dark and gray. The characters wear black and gray. Even the film is kinda washed out. Each episode makes me want to kill myself or others.

The detectives really come off like assholes too. They're investigating tragedies that everyone has already dealt with and moved on from. The family doesn't want the investigation. The actually killer CERTAINLY doesn't want it. The public could give a shit about a murder from years ago. The main character's usual justification? The dead person deserves closure. The episode usually ends with the same main character staring at some bizarre afterimage of the victim as the tragic song plays.

This show is fucking strange.

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The Cold Case Department: Using your tax dollars to investigate crimes that nobody wants to have solved since Sherlock Holmes retired to Maui.