The Employer Giveth...

I don't know if I mentioned this enough, but Mr. and Mrs. Employer are very VERY generous to me. Despite our plentiful differences, they practically treat me like a member of the family (albeit not in any way that would leave me with a sizable inheritance), and if I ever needed anything -- money, lodging, concubines -- they'd be happy to help me out. Mrs. Employer gives me baked goods at every available opportunity, and they allow me generous access to their fruit cellar, which is filled with all manner of tasty fruits, vegetables, pickles, and the most delicious tomato sauce you've ever sampled.

I've worked for them every summer, and every year they give me a very generous bonus before I go back to school. Occasionally I get a card or some really cliched book of poetry (because they think I'll appreciate it with all of my mad English skillz), but typically it's a handsome monetary sum. For a man in my tenuous economic position, that's always a really big help.

This year, I once again received a generous check to help me out; however, this year they added an extra tidbit as a token of their appreciation: a new hard cover copy of the Quest Study Bible.

That's right. Mrs. Employer, the power pastor that I've religiously (pun intended) complained about for her overly conservative religious beliefs, felt it necessary to give her resident atheist a goddamn BIBLE as a parting gift. And not just any Bible, but a version complete with annotations and insights from the world's top biblical scholars.

Actually, from a completely academic standpoint, it's a pretty valuable book. Religious or not, one can't deny the impact that the Bible has had on Western literature, so it's worth having a usable copy around. But seriously! This was a present... from a pastor to her atheist underling. What could she possibly have been thinking!? I have two theories:

1. She has no idea that I don't believe in God and genuinely believed that I would like this book.
2. She's known all along that I'm a godless heathen, and she's out to save my soul from eternal damnation.

I tend to lean toward the second option, but I can't completely rule out the first. Maybe I really did hide my utter disdain for her entire occupation better than I thought. But even if the second option is the real case, maybe I should be flattered that she thinks enough of me to believe my soul is worth saving. Well the joke's on her! I sold my soul five years ago for a bologna sandwich and a stale doughnut. Nobody's getting my ethereal essence when I croak.

Still, Mr. and Mrs. Employer are highly influential people with money, power, and a predilection for tasty baked treats. They can just as easily taketh away, so I politely and graciously accepted her gift, and thanked her for everything she'd done for me over the years. And believe it or not, I genuinely meant that. Just goes to show you that you can't pigeonhole anybody. Even folks who hang on Rush Limbaugh's every word, believe an old bearded man is judging their eternal souls, don't care for "the negroes," and use some of the shadiest business practices this side of Bernie Madoff can still be kind, generous, and damned nice people who want me to go to heaven and chill with Jesus.

As long as I stay away from the Jews, blacks, and queers.

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"Maybe you should read your Bible."
"Any particular passage?"
"Oh, it's all good."

Prophet Margins

"L-l-l-l-let my p-p-p-p-people g-g-g-g-go!!"

In her most recent church bulletin, Mrs. Employer included the following selection. My favorite parts are highlighted in blue.

The next time you feel bad or useless and are too far from God to do any good, just remember...

Noah was a drunk
Isaac was a daydreamer
Leah was ugly
Moses had a stuttering problem
Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Jonah ran from God
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced... more than once
Zacchaeus was too small
Timothy had an ulcer
Abraham was too old
Jacob was a liar
Joseph was abused
Gideon was afraid
Isaiah preached naked
Naomi was a widow
John the Baptist ate bugs
The disciples fell asleep while praying
Paul was too religious
AND Lazarus was dead!

This may be the greatest religious compilation I've seen since I watched Monty Python's The Life of Brian. I understand that Mrs. Employer is trying to humanize the characters of the Bible, but in doing so, she inadvertently created much delight for this humble nonbeliever. I thought that these prophets were supposed to be role models and that we're supposed to take our guiding moral principles from the Bible? I've already mentioned in a previous post that Moses is a murderer, but he apparently has a stuttering problem, too. He's starting to sound more and more like a sociopath every day. And he's not even the only murderer on the list. David's a noted killer as well.

I didn't know Noah was a drunk, but if I had to spend 40 days and 40 nights on a mythical ship filled with animals, I'd probably hit the sauce too.

The list makes the people of the Bible out to be adulterers, womanizers, prostitutes, drunks, and killers. I thoroughly approve. While it seems peculiar that Mrs. Employer, devout Christian that she is, would want to emphasize that the very people she reveres are also wildly inappropriate, I can see how it would help to comfort mere mortals who fear they're not good enough for God. Of course, it doesn't say much for God that this so-called supreme being cavorts with such questionable folks.

Isaiah and John the Baptist are my favorites. They preached naked and ate bugs respectively. Nudists and bug-eaters always meet with my approval. I also like that Paul was "too religious" for God. The implications of that statement are staggering.

Some of these "weaknesses" seem a bit judgmental though. Why are having long hair, having an ulcer, and being ugly considered problematic? Is Jesus a hippie-hating, jalapeno-eating, narcissistic asshole?

Lazarus rising from the dead is just awesome whether it actually happened or not. Immortality shouldn't be considered a personality defect.

The moral of this lesson is that you can do pretty much whatever you like... God will forgive you anyway.

Especially if you kill someone... so stab away my gentile friends!

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"Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?"
"Yes."
"That guy must have been wasted 24/7!"

Easter Secrets Finally Cracked

Believe it or not, this picture actually comes from the original Star Trek. The Bunnies of Rabbiton III were formidable foes indeed.

I realize that there are doubting Thomases out there who question why Easter, which supposedly celebrates the death and resurrection of Jesus, involves eggs, rabbits, ham, and enough candy to give Willy Wonka a serious case of diabetes. You wicked and sinful types might suggest that it's these are holdovers of pagan celebrations for the vernal equinox, but you'd be so wrong that it would make Jesus cry. Let a man steeped in religious tradition and spirituality provide a lesson for this holiest of holidays.

The Easter Bunny: After his long and tortuous night praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus was not in the best of moods. After all, he'd just sweated blood, for crying out loud. So he's leaning against a tree with red droplets coming out of his body looking like a Gatorade commercial, and he's having some daddy issues and ranting, "My dad is such a fucking douche! Couldn't get shit right the first time, so he sends me to 'atone for mankind's sins' just to cover his ass. Shit, sweating blood hurt like a motherfucker. I'm not doing that crucifixion bullshit. My dad can go fuck himself!" But then just when he was ready to hop on the first boat out of Israel, a little bunny rabbit hopped up to Jesus. Jesus loved bunny rabbits... and he sure was hungry after all of that intense praying. So after cooking up a tasty rabbit stew, he felt much better on a full stomach, and he apologized to his dad for being so surly with him earlier. Of course, God being a vengeful God, he arranged to add 'nails through the hands' to the crucifixion routine just to show Jesus who was boss.

Eggs: You probably know that all of the disciples ate bread and wine at The Last Supper... well, almost all of them did. It turns out that Jesus's own personal backstabber Judas wasn't exactly full after eating only a few pieces of bread and some sub-par bordeaux. When Jesus excused himself to use the Little Savior's Room, Judas went into the kitchen and whipped up a tasty omelette for himself. He even used some of the holy bread to make toast! Therefore, we color easter eggs to represent their fall from purity, because as we all know, when God's pissed at people, he changes their color.

Ham: After being resurrected, Jesus was hungry and bearing some ill will toward the people who got him crucified. It was, after all, not a pleasant experience. Being a generally decent guy, he decided to forego any kind of ethereal punishment and went straight for being a collossal asshole. He killed the nearest pig and promptly cooked it. Then he took his tasty ham platter into a poor Jewish community and waved his massive dinner in the faces of all the Jews while taunting, "Ha ha!! Guess who survived your crucifixion, bitches!! Why I do believe that I'll celebrate by eating this whole ham by myself. And guess who's not getting any!? All of you ingrates! Har dee har har! I gave you a shot, and you crucified me for it. I'm starting my own religion now, and pork is totally going to be allowed." And as an added insult, Jesus made all of the pigs in the world extra delicious and succulent. Then he went back to the new Christian communities and introduced them to the wonders of bacon. So when we eat ham on Easter, we're not remembering Christ. We're gloating to the Jews!

Candy: Little known fact: Jesus LOVED candy. He was particularly fond of peanut butter eggs and jelly beans. The problem was that nobody but Jesus knew how to make candy at the time. Chocolatiering, curing leprosy, and carpentry - these were the big three on his resume. And when Jesus was crucified, his candy-making secrets went with him. Jesus was content to let his secret recipes stay with him, but at the last minute he felt bad. After all, the rest of the world didn't know what deliciousness they were missing out on. So he decided to only punish mankind for 18 centuries or so. That's why he yelled out at the last minute, "Forgive them, father, for they know not what they do!" He was telling God that the people had no idea that killing Jesus would mean no Twix bars for almost two millennia. God may be a vengeful God, but even he knew that an eternity with no candy was a punishment that no world deserved. (Side Note: This is why folks often describe chocolate as tasting "heavenly.")

So there you have it, you heathens!! Doesn't it all make perfect sense now? Now get out your rosaries, grab a miniature cross, and starting worshipping dear old Jesus! And this time, you better do it right!

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JP: Totally loved by Jesus!!

God Less America

America has spoken! God is dead! Now we can all graciously apologize to Nietzsche.

The Associated Press recently released a report of a study conducted by Trinity College that indicates that Americans are becoming less religious. According to the article:

The percentage of Christians in the nation has declined and more people say they have no religion at all. Fifteen percent of respondents said they had no religion, an increase from 14.2 percent in 2001 and 8.2 percent in 1990, according to the American Religious Identification Survey.

I must admit that I didn't think the percentage of admitted non-religious Americans was so high. I didn't even know about the 2001 14.2% figure. I've always suspected that a vast number of Americans are secretly non-believers and only go to church for social, familial, traditional, or habitual reasons. I never thought that as many as 15% would actually admit to being atheists!

If fifteen percent sounds like a low figure to you, just remember that that number describes people who don't have any religious beliefs. According to the survey:

"About 12 percent of Americans believe in a higher power but not the personal God at the core of monotheistic faiths."

These people could believe in anything from a mysterious energy being from the fifth dimension to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Another 3.5% of respondents describe themselves as "non-denominational Christians." The AP says:

"Congregations that most often use the term are megachurches considered 'seeker-sensitive.' They use rock music and less structured prayer to attract people who don't usually attend church."

Any group that listens to "Enter Sandman" while worshiping in a "megachurch" does not qualify as a religion. Such is the way of things.

On a more general level, the study found that organized religion is playing less of a role in the daily lives of Americans.

"Thirty percent of married couples did not have a religious wedding ceremony and 27 percent of respondents said they did not want a religious funeral."

This pleases me. I don't want a religious wedding or funeral, and now it looks like a sizable portion of the population agrees with me. Why should God have any part in my wedding? No religion really teaches of a Mrs. God, so I'm not inclined to take marital advice and blessings from a guy who's never had his own old lady at home. As for funerals, I don't need some guy in a pointy hat giving hollow platitudes to my loved ones about me being in a better place. Bullshit! If religious folk thought that dying would send them to a better place, they'd go out of their way to ensure their own deaths. Why aren't Christians out there driving without seatbelts, sniffing in toxic gases, and drinking lighter fluid? And if there are people at my funeral who are religious, they certainly won't believe that my sacreligious ass went to a "better place."

The only religion that seems to be doing well right now is Catholicism. But don't celebrate just yet, dear Catholic readers. The reason the Catholics' numbers are so high is because of Mexican immigrants. Mexicans are overwhelmingly Catholic, and they're bringing their Pope-love with them to the States, so some conservative Catholics better alter their stance on Mexican immigration if they want to keep their numbers high.

It's nice to know that atheists are more numerous than I thought. While in Morgantown a few weeks ago, I lamented to Virgil that in a hundred years, Mormonism would probably be as mainstream as Catholicism or Protestantism. She smiled and retorted, "I'm hoping that religion will be completely gone in a hundred years." I rolled my eyes and sort of guffawed at the notion. But maybe she's not completely out of the ball park. The percentage of admitted atheists in this country has nearly doubled in 20 years. Who knows what a century will bring.

For now, I can at least have an even MORE pompous and arrogant tone when discussing religious matters with my friends. They can then scoff at the hypocrite who gets all of his money by working for a pastor while he's condemning religion on the internet.

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Atheist numbers are growing. Thank God!

Thou Shalt Not Kill, But *I* Sure Will

I think I need to buy a Bible. There are a lot of very intriguing stories in that book for the cynical heathen to enjoy.

As per usual, I was photocopying church bulletins, and this week's bulletin happens to be really heavy on Moses. While mindlessly feeding pages into the copier, I couldn't help but notice the following heading in the bulletin:

PRESENTING MOSES:
Teacher
Lawgiver
Murderer
Prophet
Leader

It seemed to me that one of these job titles was a little out of place. It would be like looking at the resume of a respected doctor and seeing "Convicted Rapist" wedged between Pediatrician and ER Surgeon. I brought the bulletin into Mrs. Employer, showed her the page, and pointed to the heading. I asked, "Which one of these things is not like the other?"

I realize that I haven't read much of the scriptures in over six years, but I didn't really remember Moses as having been a murderer. That little tidbit seemed to have been overlooked by Charleton Heston as well. Nevertheless, it's quite the tale. This is what it says in Exodus 2: 11-12: "One day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to where his own people were and watched them at their hard labor. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people. Glancing this way and that and seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand."

I've seen enough Law & Order to know that Jack McCoy would never let Moses get away with that. Not only did Moses go out of his way to ensure that no one was looking, but then he concealed the evidence of the crime!! I realize the Egyptian was beating the Hebrew, but Moses was the Pharaoh's adopted grandson - essentially royalty. Couldn't he have simply told the Egyptian to stop or he'd force him to build pyramids or something? But it gets even better in the next three verses: "The next day he went out and saw two Hebrews fighting. He asked the one in the wrong, 'Why are you hitting your fellow Hebrew?' The man said, 'Who made you ruler and judge of us? Are you thinking of killing me as you killed the Egyptian?' Then Moses was afraid and thought, 'What I did must have become known.' When Pharaoh heard of this, he tried to kill Moses, but Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in Midian." So not only is Moses a murderer and a liar, but he also flees the jurisdiction!

What I'm dying to know is what Moses' real reaction was to the ten commandments after this incident.
GOD: "Number six: Thou shalt not kill!"
MOSES: "Umm... can I be grandfathered in on that one?"

Mrs. Employer told me all sorts of fun facts about Moses, and the more I learned, the more I started to like him. Did you know that Moses got into a petulant shouting match with God and fucking won!? Apparently God wanted Moses to go preach to some people, but Moses bitched and complained about his lousy speaking skills, so God caved and told him to send his brother Aaron to do it. I repeat... God caved! That is fucking impressive!! Even James T. Kirk got a lightning bolt to the chest for asking, "What does God need with a starship?"

Moses had a lot of anger issues. Not only did he smash the ten commandments in a fit of rage after seeing his impressionable followers worshipping idols, but he repeatedly went on a rampage whenever his uppity flock did something to question his authority. For instance, after decades in the burning desert, some 250 of his followers gathered and accused Moses and his brother Aaron of thinking they were better than everyone else, and claiming God's authority as a way of maintaining power. I guess they finally got sick of their shit. Moses berates them mercilessly for their insolence, but that doesn't work. So Moses gets God to intervene, and he has a completely reasonable punishment for these dissenters. God splits the Earth apartswallowing up all 250 of the dissenters and their families, burying them alive. I can see why God liked Moses. They went to the same anger management classes.

This is great stuff. The Old Testament is so much more fun. Everyone (including God) is always pissed off, and someone is always eager to smite someone else. Human sacrifices are surprisingly commonplace as well. I think a lot of fun could be had from a closer reading of the Bible, and I now know that Moses will have my spiritual back if I ever decide to kill a man.

It's nice that so many people use this book as their moral compass.

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Moses: Leader, Prophet, Murderer, Certified Badass!

Employee Ennui

I've heard the term "bored shitless" bandied about by people who claim to be REALLY bored, but I've never really understood the nature of the term. Is a person apparently so bored that he or she has endlessly empty bowels? But now I understand. I believe that the term refers to a state of being in which the only highlight of your day is reading books on the crapper, but one only has to go so many times in a day, so eventually one is simply shitted-out.... bored shitless if you will.

I, ladies and gentlemen, to use sophisticated verbiage, am bored shitless.

While my current temporary (though I'm starting to stretch the definition of "temporary") job has decent pay and very flexible hours, it's extremely menial work. On most days, I'm filing or copying church bulletins, organizing my boss's library, or sometimes I get to stretch my mental prowess by showing my luddite employers how to use Microsoft Word. Some days get really exciting. Just today I helped them take down their Christmas tree. How holly fucking jolly is that!?

Don't get me wrong. I really like my employers; they're incredibly nice people, and they are really gracious to give me an interim job when I so desperately need it. But when your entire day consists of filing papers in a position that doesn't have any bearing on your future career plans, the everlasting ennui (ten dollar word being used to prove that I still have an advanced vocabulary) begins to set in. I almost prefer the summer when I could be out mowing grass and weed eating all day. The manual labor often makes the hours go by faster.

Sometimes I amuse myself at work by coming up with clever and subtle ways to subvert the religious teachings of my boss in her church bulletins. For those not following along with blog continuity, Mrs. Employer is the pastor at a nearby church, and I am often responsible for proofreading and copying her bulletins. I'm fairly certain that Mrs. Employer doesn't know that I'm a soulless heathen, so she has no idea that I really have no spiritual life to speak of. While I would never change the words in her bulletins without her permission, I often play devil's advocate (sometimes quite literally) in arguments with her. In one instance, a bulletin had a section about the power of prayer, and I got into a rather lengthy debate with her about prayer seeming to challenge "God's will." I knew I wasn't going to change her mind - the woman has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the Bible - but I killed almost 45 minutes of work time by listening to her explanation and got paid for doing so. Then she decides that she has to clarify her bulletin so as to account for any difficult parishoners (such as myself) who may be in attendance.

Today, I was looking through various bulletin covers to find a picture about communion. I found one with bread and communion cups on it, so I said, "I found one!" She asked, "Does it have a chalice in the picture or communion cups?" I held the picture up proudly. "Neither!" I declared, "JELLO SHOTS!! How very inappropriate!" She actually got a big kick out of that, and it led to a fine discussion about the importance of wine in the communion ceremony. My inner atheist is simply going, "Blah blah blah churchy-shit" but my conniving lazy side is thinking, "Ha ha! I'm finally getting paid for putting up with religious instruction."

These instances are few and far between. I'd rather not press my luck (unless whammies are involved). On the whole, one tedious day is the same as the next, and it gets a bit maddening after awhile. I'm trying to compensate by reading more and relearning to play the trombone (I plan to join the Kittanning Firemen's Band this year so that I have something to occupy my time), but it's hard to go to work every day to a job that doesn't challenge me. I never thought I'd admit this in writing, but...... I think I miss grad school. At least there if I was bored it was because my lazy ass didn't do the reading for class, and I couldn't contribute to the conversation. I think my fortunes will improve when I can start my teaching certification program in the fall. Then I can feel like I'm actually making some progress in my life again.

Or I could always decorate my employers' house with Satanic cult objects for my own amusement. For their sakes, we'll see if my sanity can hold out for another eight months.

As if it hasn't already gone out the window.

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JP: He may be a lousy employee, but he's a detestible human being.

An Atheist Christmas

Another Christmas has come and gone, and once again I enjoyed the holiday season. Despite my many protestations regarding religion, faith, and ridiculous rituals, I get a big kick out of Christmas. That may have something to do with the presents and cookies that come my way (I got a new laptop for Christmas!! WOOT!!), but I also enjoy the sappy Christmas carols and outlandish decorations too. It's likely the comfort of traditions that I remember every single year. In my family, religion has never really played a big part in Christmas, and this joyous holiday season when one appreciates his or her many blessings, I thank God that God was kept out of my holiday shenanigans.

This is not to imply that my entire family consists of heathens. It's just that church and Christmas always seemed to be rather separate... just as they should be.

Actually, if religion were taken out of the equation, Christmas would be a lot more fun for everyone. Every year on TV, people bemoan the increased commercialization of Christmas. There are interviews Christmas-philes who want to ensure that people remember that Christmas is about a poor Middle Eastern virgin with a penchant for turquoise robes getting knocked up and conning a trioka of gullible kings into giving up their gold, frankincense, and myrrh (though I suspect the king with the gold was the only one they invited) just for a chance to sit in a shitty barn staring at a fetal-fresh God-baby. They like to lay on the guilt to the poor befuddled Christian masses who often forget that Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of baby Jesus. I suspect that a lot of people feel bad about not making Christmas more meaningful.

If you're an atheist like yours truly, however, Christmas can be about whatever the fuck you want it to be.

Very little about Christmas has anything to do with Jesus anyway. Most of the traditions that we associate with it are taken from pagan celebrations of the winter solstice. And while I'm badmouthing traditions, what the hell is there to celebrate about the winter solstice?? "Oh boy!! I get to freeze my balls off for another three months! Let's shove a tree into the living room and eat a ham!" Either way, trying to ascribe some sort of larger meaning to Christmas is a futile endeavor. Hell, scientists have apparently figured out that Jesus couldn't have been born in the wintertime. Apparently, the star that the three kings must have followed to Bethlehem is only visible in the summertime. Astronomy: 1 Jesus: 0.

As an atheist, I can appreciate Christmas for what it really is: a celebration of friends, family, and traditions. When I'm decorating the tree, I don't give a shit if Mary and Joseph had a three-way with a goat in the manger. I enjoy it because the ornaments remind me of years gone by. When I see the crappy ornament that I made in Preschool 20 years ago, it brings a smile to this grizzled cynic's face. The Christmas songs don't make me long for a personal connection with my savior. They're the earliest songs that I ever knew the words to, and it's comforting to sing those ridiculously corny lyrics.

At least until they play them on the radio ten dozen times. For fuck's sake, give it a rest ye merry gentlemen!!

As for the increased commercialization of Christmas, I'm all for it. Santa is a much better mascot for Christmas than Jesus. If you're a bad little boy or girl, Santa just leaves you a lump of coal in your stocking. Jesus sends your ass to hell to burn for all eternity. Santa only demands milk and cookies. Jesus wants your money every week in the collection plate. Santa sits you on his lap and asks you what you want, and then he gives it to you. Jesus demands an obtuse series of prayers that may or may not be answered according to his whims because he works in mysterious ways.

That's why kids gravitate to Santa more than Jesus. He's a much more likeable guy.

I like Christmas in its current form. If you put religion back into Christmas, it's just going to fuck it all up. My boss is a pastor at a local church, and she's very dedicated to holiday traditions. I spent a full two weeks helping her to decorate her mansion of a house. I even decorated her ten-foot tall Christmas tree. All the while, she played Christmas songs almost every day. I also helped to make her weekly church bulletins, which were of course Christmas-themed. She gets a big kick out of every holiday tradition, whether it's religious or not; however, the religious crap always seems completely unrelated to anything else that happens at Christmas. But the Christmas story takes place in a desert in the Middle East. For crying out loud, there wasn't a pine tree for hundreds of miles!! And I have my doubts about there being egg nog or gingerbread cookies present, too.

If Christmas brings you closer to God, then that's great. But I think the whole season can be just as fun for the atheist. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go light our Christmas tree on fire, strip naked, and dance in the moonlight while worshipping the dark lord Satan.

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9 out of 10 readers find JP's comments offensive. The last reader is Jesus, and he's busy personally picking out a special place in Hell for JP.

Who Will Jesus Damn?

I love religious kooks. They make for quality entertainment. WVU recently got a healthy dose of them when the groups "Life and Liberty Ministries" and "Repent America" showed up to have a pro-life rally.

I have no objections to people being pro-life, but there are more productive arguments than "THEY'LL ALL BURN IN HELL! EVERY ONE OF THEM!" That charming line was uttered by a 9-year-old boy named Malachi (according to The Daily Athenaeum website). Are these parents dropping acid in order to see God? These kids eventually grow up to take English 101. Doesn't anyone think of me when they raise their kids?

Anyway, several campus groups were on top of these guys. Our pro-life friends had huge pictures of dead baby fetuses set up in front of the Mountainlair, and some people found dead babies objectionable. The WVU Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance chapter held bedsheets in front of the signs. Even Virgil (of "Dante's Virgil" fame, linked on the right of the page) got into the act. I'm annoyed that I didn't know it was such a big deal until it was too late. Nothing spices up a boring day like a good religious brouhaha.

I did get to experience some of the fun second-hand. A friend of mine brought one of the cards that these guys were handing out back to the office. It's called "W.W.J.D." which stands for "Who Will Jesus Damn?" (sounds like the name of a reality TV show). I was fortunate enough to be able to find a copy of it on the internet.

(click for larger image)

(click for larger image)

You can't make this shit up. My personal favorites from the damning list include the effeminate, drunkards, the abominable, whore-mongers, and sorcerers. So a gay, drunk snowman with a penchant for strip clubs and black magic is totally screwed.

Choice quotes from the back:
"Maybe, just maybe, the Savior from the Bible isn't all about warm fuzzies."
"See, Jesus isn't just a teddy bear kind of guy to be ignored or simply mentioned as a curse word."
"Things aren't looking too good for you friend."

They apparently aren't reading the same Bible as me. Jesus was a passive kind of guy. It's God who loved to smite, kill, and torment people for his own perverse pleasure. That's why the Old Testament is so much more fun to read. God is like the army general dad who ended up raising a pot-smoking hippie son.

I'm glad that WVU rallied together to protest this pro-life protest, but they shouldn't discourage these guys from showing up at all. I'm a huge fan of their literature (even if not in the way that they intended).

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Religious Fanatics - providing quality entertainment for heathens like me since we stopped becoming targets for human sacrifice.

He is Risen, and he's FABULOUS!

This is one of my favorite possessions. Last Christmas I asked my parents for a Magic 8-Ball. On Christmas morning, I open one of the boxes to discover this hot-pink Jesus statue. Understandably, my reaction was simply, "What the fuck is this?" Apparently, the Spencer's was out of Magic 8-Balls (for reasons I can't begin to fathom), so the guy working at Spencer's (who incidentally had a master's degree in English according to my mom - Merry Christmas to my self esteem right there) recommended this "Answer-Me Jesus," which has a Magic 8-Ball thing on the bottom of it that gives out religious advice.

This thing is great. It's both stylish and blasphemous. You shake Jesus and ask a question like, "Should I eat the deviled eggs?" and he will respond with any number of clever answers such as:
"I died for this?"
"I still love you"
"Repent!"
"Hypocrite!"
"Believe"
"I forgive you"
"Wait for a sign"
"SINNER!"
"Let me ask my dad"
"Hallelujah!"
"No chance in hell"
"Resist the devil"
and my personal favorite: "The holy water will sting."

If you want to check out more about "Answer Me Jesus" or some other sacrilegious wares that they're selling, CLICK HERE. It's good for a few holy chuckles. I kinda want to put this in my cubicle, but I wonder if that might be misconstrued as religious intolerance toward my students. Maybe I should buy the "Answer Me Buddha" just for good measure.

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Answer Me Jesus - Confounding homophobic Christians with hot-pink panache since 2006.

The Stormin' Mormon, Part 6: Wicked Sinful Ways

JP is in good spirits for a man going to hell.
(That may have something to do with the good spirits being sold in that particular establishment)

Well, after leaving the Mormon church, I'm now living a wicked and sinful lifestyle full of..... well, work, reading, and generally trying to be a decent human being. I tell ya, God would be ashamed. I drink from time to time - alcohol, coffee, and tea (all of which are big no-no's in the Mormon church). I even participate in activities with women that the church might frown upon (of course I might get to do so more often if I wouldn't refer to it as "participating in activities").

And you know what? I think I'm a good guy. But according to my former religion, I'm going to hell. I wish I gave a shit. Leaving the Mormon church left a very open road for me, and I explored some of my options. Eventually I came to realize that it wasn't just Mormonism that I had a problem with - it was religion in general. The Mormon church has some crazy beliefs and traditions, but every church does. Catholic priests wear goofy hats and "participate in activities" with little boys. Baptists wave their hands around when the spirit moves them. Jews avoid pork like it's carrying the plague. The Jehovah's Witnesses have mathematical formulas to calculate admission into heaven (or something like that). Methodists and Protestants are so apathetic toward their religion, it's a wonder they even have one.

Now that I've offended almost all of you, let me finish off the group - I do believe I am an atheist. I just don't believe that there's an invisible man up in the sky who's looking out for everyone and reading everyone's thoughts and judging us based on a set of rules that are supposed to be inferred from a burning azalea bush.

My biggest thing is prayer - that seems to be the center of most churches, and I think it's bogus. If God has a master plan, and he's going to do what he wants anyway (as evidenced by holy people frequently saying "God works in mysterious ways"), then why even bother praying? How important am I to be screwing with God's plan? Imagine God saying, "Well, I was going to have that hurricane hit Miami today, but Billy Bob is praying for me not to do it, so I guess I'll send it to Mexico instead. I hate the damn Beaners anyway!"

I suppose God could possibly exist (that's what agnostics will contend), but if he does, he sure as hell doesn't give a shit about any of us - and he sure as hell doesn't care what I do on a Sunday morning.

I could go on and on about religion (now that I've got myself all worked up about it), but I think that's enough for now. I'll let the righteous indignation now begin.

God - Making you drag your ass out of bed on Sundays for no reason since time immemorial.

The Stormin' Mormon, Part 5: Losing My Religion

The Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City - just one of the many temples built to do who knows what.

Long-time readers of the blog are no doubt aware of my rants about the Mormon church. I blogged about it all through the month of December (a fitting month for an anti-religious rant). Well, these posts led some people to ask me why I personally left the church. Sure I've provided plenty of fodder for any logical person to make an assumption, but what led me to leave the church? Well here we go.

First of all, you need to understand that my family was never all that into it. Our religiousness seemed to phases in and out every couple of years. I think people in the church were able to guilt my parents every once in awhile. Whatever the reason, our church attendance was sparse. My parents converted to Mormonism sometime before I can remember, but the Mormon church is the only one I ever remember attending with any regularity.

For my family, attending the Mormon church meant a 20 minute drive to Freeport (another washed-up Pennsylvania town) every Sunday for a three-hour church service. The first hour of church (for us kids anyway) always consisted of 2 hours of Sunday school (divided into 2 one-hour segments) and then 1 hour of the actual service. I think my first complaints were ones of pure laziness. "Mooommm, why do we have to go all the way to Freeport when everyone else on the block goes to the church down the street?" "Moooommm, why is church so looooong! Dana says her church only lasts for an hour!" Damn Catholics and their brevity. Of course, Dana had to go to a Catholic elementary school, so she got hers.

Anyway, Mormon church is just as boring as any other Christian church session as far as I can tell, so the next great leap away from the church came during my teenage years. Among Mormon types, when you enter the 9th grade, you have to take Seminary - what you normal folks would call "bible study." This lasts four years. For the first two years, I had to go down to the church every Wednesday evening for a class. But this nice arrangement didn't last long. The last two years involved my brother and I going to another guy's house every morning before school for an hour-long lesson. That was every weekday morning at 6am.

And my teachers wondered why I slept in class.

And of course, the Sunday school classes continued. All of this had its desired effect - I got to read the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price very closely (the last two being other fun Mormon texts). I don't think the ultimate outcome was exactly what they wanted. You see, my textual analytic skills were already developing, and I got to be a very curious and inquisitive little Mormon teen. Way before I knew about the strange and peculiar stories of the church, I was asking a lot of questions about their standard stuff.

The Mormon missionaries really bothered me. In the first place, I didn't want to go. I knew that they sent you places based on your skills. I'd been spending my high school years learning Spanish, and I didn't want to end up in some mud-farming village in the Amazon. But more importantly, the logic made no sense to me. According to Mormon doctrine, if anyone lives on this Earth and doesn't hear about Mormonism, they go to the lowest-level of Heaven, which is an okay place, but it's not great. If they hear about Mormonism and accept it, they get to go to the highest level of Heaven. But if they accept Mormonism and later reject it, they go straight to Hell (with the burning and the torture and the whole nine yards). So this got me asking questions.

Me: What happens to people who never hear about Mormonism on Earth?
Teacher: They will have the opportunity to hear an accept the Gospel in the Celestial Kingdom (that's Mormon-speak for Heaven - I love the lingo).
Me: Wouldn't people be better off not hearing about it all?
Teacher: But their lives will be fuller with the spirit of Jesus Christ.
Me: But right now they're going to be okay. If the missionaries show up, they're essentially gambling with their souls.
Teacher: Well, the same thing will happen in heaven anyway.
Me: But they'll already be dead!! What idiot is going to turn down Jesus if he comes down and tells you that he exists?
Teacher: But wouldn't you rather live your life now knowing Jesus?

These conversations would go in circles like that for awhile until the teacher would get exasperated and say "Well, that's what the Book of Mormon says to do!" And after awhile, this just got to me. These people didn't have a clue. The more I learned, the more I was convinced that the church made no sense. There were too many loopholes and too many logical fallacies.

I think my family ultimately came to the same conclusion. I think our entire family had been on the outs with the church for a long time. For one thing, we were never allowed to go to the inner parts of the Temple. We weren't deemed worthy enough. I actually went there once. I got to see some of it, but since I wasn't a super Mormon, I couldn't go to the inner sanctum (or whatever they call it). Given how incredibly dull and lifeless most Mormon functions seem to be, it's probably not as exciting as a lot of people think.

Though if they have giant orgies and worship a man-snake, I'll feel pretty cheated that I didn't get to check that shit out.

Stay tuned for the exciting part six - my life after the Mormon church (the anticipation is killing you, I'm sure.)

Former Mormons - Critically examining bogus doctrine (much to the consternation of religious figures) since 1831.

Teach Like Jesus Would!

I came across a great billboard; it said, "TEACH LIKE JESUS WOULD!" in big bold letters. I have no idea why. There didn't appear to be any context. Just wisdom to think about I guess.

Well think I did.

It sounded good at first. Who wouldn't want to teach like Jesus? But then I thought about it some more. What would Jesus really be like as a real teacher? Sure, it's easy to put on some sandals and an old bedsheet and wander around the desert spouting Fortune-Cookie wisdom, but what would happen if Jesus had to teach English 101?

I don't know if he'd last very long. Think about it. As a teacher, Jesus was vague, wishy-washy, and had stiff penalties for not following the rules. First of all, he answered simple questions with bizarre metaphors.
"Jesus, how can we get to heaven?"
"Well my friend, let me tell you a story of a goat and a shepherd who found the golden gourd."
No student is going to understand something like that - too damn vague! And he can't make up his mind. Guy came down and changed all the rules that his dad set down in the Old Testament. You don't need that kind of mixed message from management.

And of course, if you don't follow Jesus's little lessons, you're going to hell. Talk about a bad discipline policy. Imagine how this guy would run a real class:
"Excuse me Mr. Christ; I know the paper was supposed to be 4 pages, but I only got 3 and a half pages."
"Sorry Timmy, but I'm afraid you're going to burn for all eternity in the pits of darkness."
"Mr. Christ, do I need a comma here?"
"Well Jeffy, let me tell you about the king whose sword could fell the giant who owned the golden rod!"
"Mr. Christ, why did I get an C on this paper?"
"Because you didn't dot your I's and cross your T's. And if there's one thing I know, it's crosses. Don't screw with me; I'm dying for your grades!"

No one should teach like Jesus. The sign is all wrong. Hell, if Jesus was a decent teacher, why didn't he stick around for the eventual grade disputes? I'm sure not everyone is entirely happy with his judgment. That son of a God has a lot to answer for.


The Undesirable Element - Going to hell since 1983.

The Stormin' Mormon, Part 4: The Fundie Undies

Now that we've covered most of the big concepts behind the religion, let's talk about some of the everyday nonsense that just boggles the mind. One of my favorites has to be the "temple garments" that adult Mormons wear. My friend Joy likes to call them "Fundie Undies."

Try this on for size! Mormons who are deemed worthy of going to the Temple (we'll come back to this idea in a few moments) are required to wear magic underwear at all times. It can only be removed for sex, sports, and bathing. According to Mormons, this underwear apparently has supernatural capabilities as there are stories of them protecting people from bodily harm -- even gunshots!! The NYPD really needs to look into this!

As I've mentioned many times so far, Mormons don't like to publicize the really weird shit that they do. This one is probably the biggest secret, but they've got a plan for that. You see, Mormons aren't allowed to discuss the underwear because it represents a sacred bond between the wearer and God. Apparently, God wants his connection to you to be close to your crotch.

I'm tellin ya, whatever Victoria's secret is, it's nothing compared to this.

I never had fundie undies. I kinda wish I did. It's not exactly easy to come by, and I'd love to have some on hand for comedic purposes.

I never really gave the Temples much thought. They were just really big churches as far as I was concerned. Then I learned about the Fundie Undies that they hand out there and I wondered, "Just what the hell is going on in there?" Because they don't let you know what goes on in the Temples until you've been approved to go there. Due to my wicked sinful ways, I was never permitted to go. Once again, I kinda wish I'd churched up for a few months just so I could go check it out.

I really think that the underwear thing should come up on the first visit with the Mormon missionaries. And THAT reminds me of a good point - Missionaries. There's a job I'm glad I skipped out on. Mormon missionaries are right up there with the Jehovah's Witnesses (sorry to steal your thunder Joy) in terms of people you love to chase off your lawn with a shotgun (at least round these here parts). I'm surprised how opposed the Mormon church is to homosexuality given that they require horny Mormon teenagers to wander the world in pairs for two years without being allowed any time with women. Oh yea, and masturbation is a sin.

You figure that one out yourself!

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So I think that concludes my Mormon tirade for right now. Some final thoughts.

Let's not forget that just about every religion has some bizarre beliefs when you get right down to it. They all believe that a magical invisible man up in the sky has this materful plan to run the universe according to his will, but you can change his mind with a 20 second prayer. As you are likely aware by now, I'm very skeptical of religion. I haven't ruled anything out at this point, but once you've been burned by one religion, it's hard to take another one seriously. I've looked into a few others, but I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, who knows what the Methodists' dirty little secret is. What's their equivalent of the fundie undies?

Mormonism sounds pretty good to the casual person who listens to what the missionaries have to say. That's why so many people join. They have this little six-step lesson plan to indoctrinate people. They're pretty good at it. Most of the missionaries probably don't even know a lot of the strange stuff yet. They're all younger than I am, and you don't learn the really really weird stuff until you've been a member for quite some time. By the time most people figure it out, they're already too far into it religiously and socially.

But I can't give Mormons that much grief. Hell, I have eighteen years worth of memories to think about whenever I'm in need of a good chuckle. Two words can brighten my day whenever they cross my mind: Fundie Undies.

Nuff said.

The Stormin' Mormon, Part 3: Indian Givers

So let's talk about the Book of Mormon for a bit. This book apparently picks up where the New Testament left off. According to Mormon bullshit, there was a thirteenth tribe of Israel. This is not to be confused with traditional Christian bullshit, which claims that there were twelve tribes of Israel that were decendents of Jacob.

Side story: Jacob, as you may or may not be aware, is the grandson of Abraham. I love the story of Abraham. Talk about God getting some laughs out of a senile old man. You all know this story. Abraham is just sitting around minding his own business when the VOICE OF GOD speaks to him. God tells Abraham to go sacrifice his son Isaac. So Abraham hollers for his boy who's out herding sheep (or some other equally dull biblical job), "Hey Isaac! Grab daddy's sacrificin' gear and let's go up into the mountains!" So they go up to the mountains and Abraham lays Isaac out on this slab and prepares to sacrifice him. God suddenly pops up. "Oh man!! I can't believe you were actually going to do it!! Gotcha!!" Apparently God was just testing Abraham (God does this a lot in the bible), and Abraham and Isaac continue on their merry way.

One wonders what Isaac thought of that whole ordeal. I mean, dear old dad just tried to kill him! That's gotta create some resentment later in life.

But anyway, I'm digressing. The theory goes that everyone is descended from the original Twelve Tribes of Israel. The bible talks about this in some detail. The Book of Mormon, however, postulates the existence of a 13th Tribe of Israel. At some point, this thirteenth tribe set off for parts unknown. The Book of Mormon documents their supposed journey.

Apparently the Mormons head east across Asia until they get to the Pacific Ocean. At this point, they build eight wooden submarines (can't make this shit up!) and cross the Ocean to the Americas. I have to ask: why submarines??? Were ships out of the question?? The mind reels!

The big daddy on the journey is Lehi, and while they're on their journey, Jesus comes to visit! Turns out Jesus made a little detour during his resurrection to come visit these wayward souls. I guess he said "Fuck off!" to everyone else who wasn't living in Jeruselem when he desided to be resurrected. Well Lehi devotes his life to living Jesus's teachings, and his son Nephi does the same. One of Lehi's other sons, Laman, is a fucker. He takes every opportunity to screw with Nephi and piss him off (my kinda guy).

As one would imagine, they have a falling out. Laman takes a group of people off to live separately. I loved these parts of Sunday school where they would tell us how the Lamanites lived. The Lamanites drank all the time, worshipped idols, had mass orgies, overate, did drugs, married sheep, or whatever else a creative teacher could think up. The Nephites, however, prayed a lot. Maybe I was alone on this, but I thought the Lamanites sounded like a lot more fun.

Well God didn't agree. God and Jesus are up in heaven watching all of this, and it pisses them off. So they decide to punish the Lamanites by turning their skin red. This is the apparent origin of the Native Americans.

As you can imagine, some Native Americans don't take too kindly to this particular theory.

But what happened to the Nephites? I'm glad you asked! Turns out, those righteous Nephites didn't stay righteous for too long. They saw what a great time their neighbors were having and started doing the same shit. God decides to punish them too, and he lets the Lamanites kill them.

God certainly believes in tough love doesn't he?

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Don't miss the exciting conclusion where we'll discuss some of the random goofy things that Mormons do such as wearing special underwear.

The Stormin' Mormon, Part 2: Spaceman Jesus

Time to get to the good stuff. As I mentioned in my previous blog entry, Mormons have some pretty funky beliefs, but they don't really like to share all of the bizarre stuff until after you've been in the church awhile. That's why they don't like to offer up this little gem right up front:

God is an alien.

Well not just God, but Jesus is an alien too.

In fact, there are many "Gods," each of them is the master of his or her given solar system. And when a good Mormon dies, he or she gets to become a God of another world.

This was my favorite thing to learn about Mormonism. It pretty much sealed the deal on my decision to leave the church. Turns out, the God that we all know and love is on a planet that orbits a star called "Kolob."

The following is the Wikipedia entry on Kolob.

The first known reference to Kolob is found in the Book of Abraham (found in the Pearl of Great Price), which the LDS [note from Justin: That's Mormononics for "Ladder-Day Saints] Prophet Joseph Smith, Jr. claims to have translated from a set of Egyptian scrolls that accompanied a traveling mummy exhibition, which passed through Smith's town of Kirtland, Ohio in 1835. According to the Prophet, the scrolls described a vision of Abraham, in which Abraham:
"saw the stars, that they were very great, and that one of them was nearest unto the throne of God;... and the name of the great one is Kolob, because it is near unto me, for I am the Lord thy God: I have set this one to govern all those which belong to the same order as that upon which thou standest." (Book of Abraham 3: 2-3)

Yeah, our boy Joe is at it again. Now he not only has the magical ability to read ancient Hebrew, but also Egyptian hieroglyphs! I'm almost disappointed that the mummy wasn't involved in some way. Maybe he could have said that the mummy was really the remains of Darth Judas, the galactic traitor to Spaceman Jesus.

I love this stuff. It makes me wonder why Scientology gets such a public mocking, but the Mormon church gets a free pass. I mean, come on! The original creator of Battlestar Galactica, Glen Larson, actually used this as the basis for the original series. He turned "Kolob" into "Kobol" and changed most of the settings of the Book of Mormon to space, and that was the show! The new series doesn't really adhere to the Mormon theology, but the basic premise is still there. It takes some suspension of disbelief to buy this concept on television. It doesn't make any sense in real life either.

You really think you're going to become your own God? I find that a little suspect. Does that mean that "our" God was actually some poor shmuck on another alien world who got his chance in the big chair? Maybe we got the C-student of Gods. Sure would explain a lot.

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal doesn't it - becoming a God? Personally I find it a little too grandiose. Being the supreme ruler of an entire solar system sounds like a pretty big job. I can't even take charge of a classroom of 44 freshmen without fucking up something. My solar system would be the laughingstock of the galaxy.

Underling: "Excuse me, Lord Justin, the fjords have all collapsed and the people have all started having sex with tubers. The religious leaders are getting irritated."
Lord Justin: "Fuck it! Law & Order: Galaxy Defenders is on in 20 minutes. Just send a plague of locusts and tell them that God helps those who help themselves or some bullshit like that."

Just give me control of a small island or something. I could handle that.

Stay tuned for Part 3 where we'll discuss the apparent exodus of the "thirteenth tribe of Israel" and how the Native Americans became eeeeeeeevil!!

The Stormin' Mormon, Part 1: The Story of Joe

This is part 1 in a series of posts regarding my former religion.

Nothing is a breeding ground for comedy more than The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (commonly referred to as "The Mormon Church" or "The people who have those temples with the orgies"). Growing up in the church, I really didn't see anything wrong with it. After all, it was all I knew. But of course, as a child, you don't get to hear all of the interesting stuff about the church. You only hear the fun stuff that sounds like all the other religions. Once I got older, I became aware of some of the more.... unusual beliefs of the Mormon religon.

And I'm not talking about the polygamy thing. Let's get that out of the way right now. Only splinter groups of the church still practice that (though the history of why it was ever done in the first place is a fun little tale). That's too easy anyway. Everyone knows about that. Let's talk about some of the lesser known facts.

First up: Joseph Smith. Now this guy was a piece of work. He wakes up one day and decides that none of the existing religions are really his bag. He prays to God for the truth, and God sends the angel Moroni to Joseph in a vision. Moroni tells him that all the churches are false, and he tells him to start his own church. Moroni directs our buddy Joe to the woods to find The Gold Plates, upon which some lost scriptures are printed (re: The Book of Mormon).

So far, that's not really any more preposterous than any other religion. Hell, Jesus apparently turned water into wine! That's one helluva trick. Here's where the funny business happens.

Who should appear to Joe in the woods but God and Jesus. Not one! BOTH! This was a two-fer! They tell Joe that he can't show the plates to anyone. (Personally, I think this makes God and Jesus look like total pricks) So Joe goes into town proclaiming that he spoke to God and he has the TRUTH OF EXISTENCE!!

Well how do you suppose the townsfolk reacted? About the same way you would if some guy came out of the woods proclaiming that he had visions of God: this dude found some bad ganja! But our boy Joe is undeterred. He decides that he's going to translate the plates into English. So he gets his buddy Martin Harris to help him.

Here's how the system worked. Joe had a couple of "seer stones" (the book is a bit vague on where these came from) that he tossed into his hat. Joe would look into the hat, and then dictate the translation to Marty. This is one of those little factoids that the church likes to leave out. They say he translated the Book of Mormon, but they don't say how. They know it sounds like bullshit.

I think Marty started to smell the fecal matter too because he decides to take the book home one night. His wife convinces him to conveniently "misplace" the book. Her theory is that if Joe is telling the truth, he'll be able to reproduce the pages exactly from the seer stones. I have to admit, that's a pretty damn good idea. (This story, by the way, was made famous by a South Park episode. Check it out if you have the chance - it's pretty much accurate.)

So Joe's in a real bind now. But FEAR NOT YE FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS! God comes to Joe in a vision and tells Joe that the people are no longer deserving of the book they were working on (The Book of Lehi - for those keeping score). Joe should start writing the next book (The Book of Nephi - the first book in the Book of Mormon). You know the best part?? Marty buys this explanation!!

I imagine him going back to his wife with this story and her calling bullshit on it. He then smacks her in the face and says, "Quiet woman! You're my bitch and now his too! Go cook my dinner!" (Weren't the 1800's fun?)

The church fully acknowledges this story (of course, they don't tell it like I do). They acknowledge the next part too. Joe and Marty finish the translation and start spreading their Book of Mormon to the masses. Some of the townspeople demand to see the Gold Plates (common sense being around back then too). Joe says that God took them to heaven for safe keeping.

I kind of admire old Joe. He's a bullshitter extrordinaire! You can't learn skills like that.

I was aware of most of this story growing up. As an impressionable and trusting child, it sounded good enough to me. After all, everyone at church thought it was legit. Then I grew up, and suddenly something smelled fishy (and it wasn't fishes and loaves night in Jeruselem either). I swear, you have to wonder how anyone could buy this nonsense.

I must say something in defense of Mormons: they're really very nice people typically. You will not find a more generous and friendly (though often judgmental) group of people anywhere. Still, I don't think any of them are playing with a full deck.

UPCOMING MORMON TOPICS:
God is an alien
Fundie Undies
Mormonism and Battlestar Galactica
Native Americans are evil
The Word of Wisdom
Who wants to be a God?