Believe it or not, this picture actually comes from the original Star Trek. The Bunnies of Rabbiton III were formidable foes indeed.I realize that there are doubting Thomases out there who question why Easter, which supposedly celebrates the death and resurrection of Jesus, involves eggs, rabbits, ham, and enough candy to give Willy Wonka a serious case of diabetes. You wicked and sinful types might suggest that it's these are holdovers of pagan celebrations for the vernal equinox, but you'd be so wrong that it would make Jesus cry. Let a man steeped in religious tradition and spirituality provide a lesson for this holiest of holidays.
The Easter Bunny: After his long and tortuous night praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus was not in the best of moods. After all, he'd just sweated blood, for crying out loud. So he's leaning against a tree with red droplets coming out of his body looking like a Gatorade commercial, and he's having some daddy issues and ranting, "My dad is such a fucking douche! Couldn't get shit right the first time, so he sends me to 'atone for mankind's sins' just to cover his ass. Shit, sweating blood hurt like a motherfucker. I'm not doing that crucifixion bullshit. My dad can go fuck himself!" But then just when he was ready to hop on the first boat out of Israel, a little bunny rabbit hopped up to Jesus. Jesus loved bunny rabbits... and he sure was hungry after all of that intense praying. So after cooking up a tasty rabbit stew, he felt much better on a full stomach, and he apologized to his dad for being so surly with him earlier. Of course, God being a vengeful God, he arranged to add 'nails through the hands' to the crucifixion routine just to show Jesus who was boss.
Eggs: You probably know that all of the disciples ate bread and wine at The Last Supper... well, almost all of them did. It turns out that Jesus's own personal backstabber Judas wasn't exactly full after eating only a few pieces of bread and some sub-par bordeaux. When Jesus excused himself to use the Little Savior's Room, Judas went into the kitchen and whipped up a tasty omelette for himself. He even used some of the holy bread to make toast! Therefore, we color easter eggs to represent their fall from purity, because as we all know, when God's pissed at people, he changes their color.
Ham: After being resurrected, Jesus was hungry and bearing some ill will toward the people who got him crucified. It was, after all, not a pleasant experience. Being a generally decent guy, he decided to forego any kind of ethereal punishment and went straight for being a collossal asshole. He killed the nearest pig and promptly cooked it. Then he took his tasty ham platter into a poor Jewish community and waved his massive dinner in the faces of all the Jews while taunting, "Ha ha!! Guess who survived your crucifixion, bitches!! Why I do believe that I'll celebrate by eating this whole ham by myself. And guess who's not getting any!? All of you ingrates! Har dee har har! I gave you a shot, and you crucified me for it. I'm starting my own religion now, and pork is totally going to be allowed." And as an added insult, Jesus made all of the pigs in the world extra delicious and succulent. Then he went back to the new Christian communities and introduced them to the wonders of bacon. So when we eat ham on Easter, we're not remembering Christ. We're gloating to the Jews!
Candy: Little known fact: Jesus LOVED candy. He was particularly fond of peanut butter eggs and jelly beans. The problem was that nobody but Jesus knew how to make candy at the time. Chocolatiering, curing leprosy, and carpentry - these were the big three on his resume. And when Jesus was crucified, his candy-making secrets went with him. Jesus was content to let his secret recipes stay with him, but at the last minute he felt bad. After all, the rest of the world didn't know what deliciousness they were missing out on. So he decided to only punish mankind for 18 centuries or so. That's why he yelled out at the last minute, "Forgive them, father, for they know not what they do!" He was telling God that the people had no idea that killing Jesus would mean no Twix bars for almost two millennia. God may be a vengeful God, but even he knew that an eternity with no candy was a punishment that no world deserved. (Side Note: This is why folks often describe chocolate as tasting "heavenly.")
So there you have it, you heathens!! Doesn't it all make perfect sense now? Now get out your rosaries, grab a miniature cross, and starting worshipping dear old Jesus! And this time, you better do it right!
--------------------------------
JP: Totally loved by Jesus!!
The Easter Bunny: After his long and tortuous night praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus was not in the best of moods. After all, he'd just sweated blood, for crying out loud. So he's leaning against a tree with red droplets coming out of his body looking like a Gatorade commercial, and he's having some daddy issues and ranting, "My dad is such a fucking douche! Couldn't get shit right the first time, so he sends me to 'atone for mankind's sins' just to cover his ass. Shit, sweating blood hurt like a motherfucker. I'm not doing that crucifixion bullshit. My dad can go fuck himself!" But then just when he was ready to hop on the first boat out of Israel, a little bunny rabbit hopped up to Jesus. Jesus loved bunny rabbits... and he sure was hungry after all of that intense praying. So after cooking up a tasty rabbit stew, he felt much better on a full stomach, and he apologized to his dad for being so surly with him earlier. Of course, God being a vengeful God, he arranged to add 'nails through the hands' to the crucifixion routine just to show Jesus who was boss.
Eggs: You probably know that all of the disciples ate bread and wine at The Last Supper... well, almost all of them did. It turns out that Jesus's own personal backstabber Judas wasn't exactly full after eating only a few pieces of bread and some sub-par bordeaux. When Jesus excused himself to use the Little Savior's Room, Judas went into the kitchen and whipped up a tasty omelette for himself. He even used some of the holy bread to make toast! Therefore, we color easter eggs to represent their fall from purity, because as we all know, when God's pissed at people, he changes their color.
Ham: After being resurrected, Jesus was hungry and bearing some ill will toward the people who got him crucified. It was, after all, not a pleasant experience. Being a generally decent guy, he decided to forego any kind of ethereal punishment and went straight for being a collossal asshole. He killed the nearest pig and promptly cooked it. Then he took his tasty ham platter into a poor Jewish community and waved his massive dinner in the faces of all the Jews while taunting, "Ha ha!! Guess who survived your crucifixion, bitches!! Why I do believe that I'll celebrate by eating this whole ham by myself. And guess who's not getting any!? All of you ingrates! Har dee har har! I gave you a shot, and you crucified me for it. I'm starting my own religion now, and pork is totally going to be allowed." And as an added insult, Jesus made all of the pigs in the world extra delicious and succulent. Then he went back to the new Christian communities and introduced them to the wonders of bacon. So when we eat ham on Easter, we're not remembering Christ. We're gloating to the Jews!
Candy: Little known fact: Jesus LOVED candy. He was particularly fond of peanut butter eggs and jelly beans. The problem was that nobody but Jesus knew how to make candy at the time. Chocolatiering, curing leprosy, and carpentry - these were the big three on his resume. And when Jesus was crucified, his candy-making secrets went with him. Jesus was content to let his secret recipes stay with him, but at the last minute he felt bad. After all, the rest of the world didn't know what deliciousness they were missing out on. So he decided to only punish mankind for 18 centuries or so. That's why he yelled out at the last minute, "Forgive them, father, for they know not what they do!" He was telling God that the people had no idea that killing Jesus would mean no Twix bars for almost two millennia. God may be a vengeful God, but even he knew that an eternity with no candy was a punishment that no world deserved. (Side Note: This is why folks often describe chocolate as tasting "heavenly.")
So there you have it, you heathens!! Doesn't it all make perfect sense now? Now get out your rosaries, grab a miniature cross, and starting worshipping dear old Jesus! And this time, you better do it right!
--------------------------------
JP: Totally loved by Jesus!!
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