Reader Mail 1

Here at The Undesirable Element, I receive countless bags of mail from adoring fans, lusty women, and vengeful but generally eloquent stalkers. I now share with you, my loyal readers, some of the letters that you have so graciously sent.
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Dear JP:
Long time reader; first time writer. I'm a huge fan of The Undesirable Element even though it's registered on several terrorist watchlists around the world. Your keen insight and brilliant satire fill me with hope, joy, and unbridled orgasm. Thank you so much for all the fine work that you've done.
Sincerely,
Tucker "Spankbuggy" Willingham

Dear JP:
I strongly suggest that you start believing in Christianity, or my dad is going to come over to your house and kick your fat ass.
Your friend,
Jesus H. Christ

Dear JP:
We regret to inform you that you have violated the terms of your lease, and we ask that you vacate the premises. Not only have you failed to pay rent in nine months, but your pet has repeatedly kept us awake at night with her incessant meowling. Your security deposit will be withheld, and you must find another basement to live in within the next seven days.
Your landlords,
Mom and Dad

Dear JP:
DIE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!
Your mortal enemy,
Morgan Freeman

Dear JP:
Zik flaggin florp baggle con wiggle waggle. Frak Frak Frak magilla gorilla!
Zounds and Egads,
Aardvark Man

Dear JP:
I would be happy to play you in the movie based on your life. Please send me a script as well as the three cheesecakes you promised. Remember that no less than three women must be topless throughout the entire film.
Sincerely,
Brian Dennehy

Dear JP:
I think you may be the sexiest blogger that I've ever witnessed on the internet. Don't let high insurance premiums bring your sexy blog down. Did you know that Progressive can save you hundreds of dollars by comparing your insurance rates with those of other top companies? Switch to Progressive and not only will you receive top notch insurance, but I will personally come over to your new basement dwelling and arrange a steamy three-way between you, me, and that hot goth girl from NCIS.
Sincerely,
The Oddly Attractive and Bubbly Progressive Insurance Woman

Dear JP:
This mailbag post totally blows a cock and so do you.
Yours truly,
The Shit

Dear JP:
You make me want to be white. If all white people were as cool as you, they never would have been kicked out of India.
Bat-tastically Yours,
Batmite!

Dear Applicant:
We regret to inform you that the position of ANAL LUBRICATION ASSISTANT has been filled. We appreciate your application, and we will keep your resume and candid nude photographs (again, they weren't required or desired for consideration) on file for six months. Please apply to Desperate Enough to Work in the Gay Porno Industry Inc. for any other jobs that may interest you.
Sincerely,
Mr. Dick Wango
Human Resources Manager

Dear JP:
As of midnight tonight, your blog will now be owned and operated by Dante's Virgil LTD. I purchased it from your corrupt investors for the princely sum of three dollars and a pack of Bubble Yum. Consider this proper retribution for your underhanded and tactless election campaign from last October. Your precious blog is now mine, but if you come to your mistress appropriately penitent and properly attired for submission, I may just give you a lowly assistant's position.
Your New Webmistress,
Virgil

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The New Undesirable Dante's Virgil: Knows better than to end blog posts with ridiculous italicized non sequiturs.