Rule Britannia!

I was watching The Daily Show last night, and as anyone might expect, they took great pleasure in mocking the slipshod "Tea Parties" that cropped up around the country on April 15 to protest taxes. Admittedly, referring to these wingdings as "teabaggers" was a joke so obvious that I think every eighth grader in the country could have thought it up. Nevertheless, there was one brilliant segment where John Oliver, The Daily Show's lanky and snarky British correspondent, went to one of the Tea Parties to essentially berate them for failing to understand just how truly awesome the British were at oppression. He chided them for comparing their perceived injustices to those of the colonists under British rule, and he was offended as an Englishman that they think present-day America even comes close.

Instead of pondering the historical and social implications of English and American tax systems, my infantile and wayward mind starting thinking about other things that the British have that Americans don't that we really should (because the king of England really needs to start housing troops in my lodgings). Here's the list I came up with:

Fish and Chips: I really don't much like seafood, but the British cook it just the way I like it - batter-dipped and deep fried until the only thing you can taste is sweet delicious cholesterol! It's the one British foodstuff that I heartily support.

Cutesy Swear Words: In England, calling some random stranger a "bloody wanker" is way worse than referring to your dear old granny as a "fucking cunt." Lines like "Don't get your knickers in a twist" sound a lot more civilized than "Don't lose your shit, dude!" And there's nothing better than British people always referring to their ass as their bum. A very proper English gentleman could be walking down the street earning all sorts of respect, but then he falls on the ground and declares, "Blimey, I fell on me bum!" Suddenly he's got all the class of a four year old.

Welsh Jokes: The Welsh are like the English hillbillies. They're the butt of the joke that always works.
"I say my good fellow, what do you call a bloke who rapes his mum, falls on his bum, and is always a dum dum?"
"I haven't the slightest, sir!"
"A Welshman! Har har har!"
As a man who's part Welsh, I find such jokes to be crass and tasteless... which is why we need to bring them to America!

Royal Titles: This is the famous thing where the king or queen puts the sword on your shoulder and lets you put "Sir" or "Dame" before your name. It's a great concept, but let's take that tired old idea and do it America-style! We could have a reality show called "Who Wants to be in the Order of Chivalry?" It could be hosted by Sir Mix-a-Lot (he's not doing much these days) and feature all sorts of random trials like eating a goat's placenta and running through a tepid pool of vomit. We're going to bring some class to that old tradition.

Parliament: They get to wear wigs, and most of the time the House of Lords and the House of Commons just stand there literally screaming and shouting at each other for no good reason. Essentially, they're just like Congress only a lot more entertaining.

Villainous but Sophisticated Accents: Do you need to sound incredibly evil while still giving off an aura of intelligence and wit? Then you need a proper British accent. Your average cockney accent is nice if your goal in life is to be an award-winning soccer hooligan, but if you watch Die Hard and fantasize about one day being Alan Rickman or you wonder why every Imperial officer in Star Wars sounds inherently vile but cunningly calculating, then start doing your best Patrick Stewart imitation this instant. You could have the IQ of a cantaloupe, but with your sporty new British accent, you'll be a Mensa member in no time.

Bathroom Language: Which sounds better: "I'm in line for the shitter," or "I'm in the queue for the loo"? I thought so!

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Mind your bloody manners in the comments section you silly sots, or the constabulary and fire brigade will spank you in the bum with their torches.