The Stormin' Mormon, Part 4: The Fundie Undies

Now that we've covered most of the big concepts behind the religion, let's talk about some of the everyday nonsense that just boggles the mind. One of my favorites has to be the "temple garments" that adult Mormons wear. My friend Joy likes to call them "Fundie Undies."

Try this on for size! Mormons who are deemed worthy of going to the Temple (we'll come back to this idea in a few moments) are required to wear magic underwear at all times. It can only be removed for sex, sports, and bathing. According to Mormons, this underwear apparently has supernatural capabilities as there are stories of them protecting people from bodily harm -- even gunshots!! The NYPD really needs to look into this!

As I've mentioned many times so far, Mormons don't like to publicize the really weird shit that they do. This one is probably the biggest secret, but they've got a plan for that. You see, Mormons aren't allowed to discuss the underwear because it represents a sacred bond between the wearer and God. Apparently, God wants his connection to you to be close to your crotch.

I'm tellin ya, whatever Victoria's secret is, it's nothing compared to this.

I never had fundie undies. I kinda wish I did. It's not exactly easy to come by, and I'd love to have some on hand for comedic purposes.

I never really gave the Temples much thought. They were just really big churches as far as I was concerned. Then I learned about the Fundie Undies that they hand out there and I wondered, "Just what the hell is going on in there?" Because they don't let you know what goes on in the Temples until you've been approved to go there. Due to my wicked sinful ways, I was never permitted to go. Once again, I kinda wish I'd churched up for a few months just so I could go check it out.

I really think that the underwear thing should come up on the first visit with the Mormon missionaries. And THAT reminds me of a good point - Missionaries. There's a job I'm glad I skipped out on. Mormon missionaries are right up there with the Jehovah's Witnesses (sorry to steal your thunder Joy) in terms of people you love to chase off your lawn with a shotgun (at least round these here parts). I'm surprised how opposed the Mormon church is to homosexuality given that they require horny Mormon teenagers to wander the world in pairs for two years without being allowed any time with women. Oh yea, and masturbation is a sin.

You figure that one out yourself!

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So I think that concludes my Mormon tirade for right now. Some final thoughts.

Let's not forget that just about every religion has some bizarre beliefs when you get right down to it. They all believe that a magical invisible man up in the sky has this materful plan to run the universe according to his will, but you can change his mind with a 20 second prayer. As you are likely aware by now, I'm very skeptical of religion. I haven't ruled anything out at this point, but once you've been burned by one religion, it's hard to take another one seriously. I've looked into a few others, but I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, who knows what the Methodists' dirty little secret is. What's their equivalent of the fundie undies?

Mormonism sounds pretty good to the casual person who listens to what the missionaries have to say. That's why so many people join. They have this little six-step lesson plan to indoctrinate people. They're pretty good at it. Most of the missionaries probably don't even know a lot of the strange stuff yet. They're all younger than I am, and you don't learn the really really weird stuff until you've been a member for quite some time. By the time most people figure it out, they're already too far into it religiously and socially.

But I can't give Mormons that much grief. Hell, I have eighteen years worth of memories to think about whenever I'm in need of a good chuckle. Two words can brighten my day whenever they cross my mind: Fundie Undies.

Nuff said.