So let's talk about the Book of Mormon for a bit. This book apparently picks up where the New Testament left off. According to Mormon bullshit, there was a thirteenth tribe of Israel. This is not to be confused with traditional Christian bullshit, which claims that there were twelve tribes of Israel that were decendents of Jacob.
Side story: Jacob, as you may or may not be aware, is the grandson of Abraham. I love the story of Abraham. Talk about God getting some laughs out of a senile old man. You all know this story. Abraham is just sitting around minding his own business when the VOICE OF GOD speaks to him. God tells Abraham to go sacrifice his son Isaac. So Abraham hollers for his boy who's out herding sheep (or some other equally dull biblical job), "Hey Isaac! Grab daddy's sacrificin' gear and let's go up into the mountains!" So they go up to the mountains and Abraham lays Isaac out on this slab and prepares to sacrifice him. God suddenly pops up. "Oh man!! I can't believe you were actually going to do it!! Gotcha!!" Apparently God was just testing Abraham (God does this a lot in the bible), and Abraham and Isaac continue on their merry way.
One wonders what Isaac thought of that whole ordeal. I mean, dear old dad just tried to kill him! That's gotta create some resentment later in life.
But anyway, I'm digressing. The theory goes that everyone is descended from the original Twelve Tribes of Israel. The bible talks about this in some detail. The Book of Mormon, however, postulates the existence of a 13th Tribe of Israel. At some point, this thirteenth tribe set off for parts unknown. The Book of Mormon documents their supposed journey.
Apparently the Mormons head east across Asia until they get to the Pacific Ocean. At this point, they build eight wooden submarines (can't make this shit up!) and cross the Ocean to the Americas. I have to ask: why submarines??? Were ships out of the question?? The mind reels!
The big daddy on the journey is Lehi, and while they're on their journey, Jesus comes to visit! Turns out Jesus made a little detour during his resurrection to come visit these wayward souls. I guess he said "Fuck off!" to everyone else who wasn't living in Jeruselem when he desided to be resurrected. Well Lehi devotes his life to living Jesus's teachings, and his son Nephi does the same. One of Lehi's other sons, Laman, is a fucker. He takes every opportunity to screw with Nephi and piss him off (my kinda guy).
As one would imagine, they have a falling out. Laman takes a group of people off to live separately. I loved these parts of Sunday school where they would tell us how the Lamanites lived. The Lamanites drank all the time, worshipped idols, had mass orgies, overate, did drugs, married sheep, or whatever else a creative teacher could think up. The Nephites, however, prayed a lot. Maybe I was alone on this, but I thought the Lamanites sounded like a lot more fun.
Well God didn't agree. God and Jesus are up in heaven watching all of this, and it pisses them off. So they decide to punish the Lamanites by turning their skin red. This is the apparent origin of the Native Americans.
As you can imagine, some Native Americans don't take too kindly to this particular theory.
But what happened to the Nephites? I'm glad you asked! Turns out, those righteous Nephites didn't stay righteous for too long. They saw what a great time their neighbors were having and started doing the same shit. God decides to punish them too, and he lets the Lamanites kill them.
God certainly believes in tough love doesn't he?
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Don't miss the exciting conclusion where we'll discuss some of the random goofy things that Mormons do such as wearing special underwear.
Side story: Jacob, as you may or may not be aware, is the grandson of Abraham. I love the story of Abraham. Talk about God getting some laughs out of a senile old man. You all know this story. Abraham is just sitting around minding his own business when the VOICE OF GOD speaks to him. God tells Abraham to go sacrifice his son Isaac. So Abraham hollers for his boy who's out herding sheep (or some other equally dull biblical job), "Hey Isaac! Grab daddy's sacrificin' gear and let's go up into the mountains!" So they go up to the mountains and Abraham lays Isaac out on this slab and prepares to sacrifice him. God suddenly pops up. "Oh man!! I can't believe you were actually going to do it!! Gotcha!!" Apparently God was just testing Abraham (God does this a lot in the bible), and Abraham and Isaac continue on their merry way.
One wonders what Isaac thought of that whole ordeal. I mean, dear old dad just tried to kill him! That's gotta create some resentment later in life.
But anyway, I'm digressing. The theory goes that everyone is descended from the original Twelve Tribes of Israel. The bible talks about this in some detail. The Book of Mormon, however, postulates the existence of a 13th Tribe of Israel. At some point, this thirteenth tribe set off for parts unknown. The Book of Mormon documents their supposed journey.
Apparently the Mormons head east across Asia until they get to the Pacific Ocean. At this point, they build eight wooden submarines (can't make this shit up!) and cross the Ocean to the Americas. I have to ask: why submarines??? Were ships out of the question?? The mind reels!
The big daddy on the journey is Lehi, and while they're on their journey, Jesus comes to visit! Turns out Jesus made a little detour during his resurrection to come visit these wayward souls. I guess he said "Fuck off!" to everyone else who wasn't living in Jeruselem when he desided to be resurrected. Well Lehi devotes his life to living Jesus's teachings, and his son Nephi does the same. One of Lehi's other sons, Laman, is a fucker. He takes every opportunity to screw with Nephi and piss him off (my kinda guy).
As one would imagine, they have a falling out. Laman takes a group of people off to live separately. I loved these parts of Sunday school where they would tell us how the Lamanites lived. The Lamanites drank all the time, worshipped idols, had mass orgies, overate, did drugs, married sheep, or whatever else a creative teacher could think up. The Nephites, however, prayed a lot. Maybe I was alone on this, but I thought the Lamanites sounded like a lot more fun.
Well God didn't agree. God and Jesus are up in heaven watching all of this, and it pisses them off. So they decide to punish the Lamanites by turning their skin red. This is the apparent origin of the Native Americans.
As you can imagine, some Native Americans don't take too kindly to this particular theory.
But what happened to the Nephites? I'm glad you asked! Turns out, those righteous Nephites didn't stay righteous for too long. They saw what a great time their neighbors were having and started doing the same shit. God decides to punish them too, and he lets the Lamanites kill them.
God certainly believes in tough love doesn't he?
-------
Don't miss the exciting conclusion where we'll discuss some of the random goofy things that Mormons do such as wearing special underwear.
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