This is part 1 in a series of posts regarding my former religion.
Nothing is a breeding ground for comedy more than The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (commonly referred to as "The Mormon Church" or "The people who have those temples with the orgies"). Growing up in the church, I really didn't see anything wrong with it. After all, it was all I knew. But of course, as a child, you don't get to hear all of the interesting stuff about the church. You only hear the fun stuff that sounds like all the other religions. Once I got older, I became aware of some of the more.... unusual beliefs of the Mormon religon.
And I'm not talking about the polygamy thing. Let's get that out of the way right now. Only splinter groups of the church still practice that (though the history of why it was ever done in the first place is a fun little tale). That's too easy anyway. Everyone knows about that. Let's talk about some of the lesser known facts.
First up: Joseph Smith. Now this guy was a piece of work. He wakes up one day and decides that none of the existing religions are really his bag. He prays to God for the truth, and God sends the angel Moroni to Joseph in a vision. Moroni tells him that all the churches are false, and he tells him to start his own church. Moroni directs our buddy Joe to the woods to find The Gold Plates, upon which some lost scriptures are printed (re: The Book of Mormon).
So far, that's not really any more preposterous than any other religion. Hell, Jesus apparently turned water into wine! That's one helluva trick. Here's where the funny business happens.
Who should appear to Joe in the woods but God and Jesus. Not one! BOTH! This was a two-fer! They tell Joe that he can't show the plates to anyone. (Personally, I think this makes God and Jesus look like total pricks) So Joe goes into town proclaiming that he spoke to God and he has the TRUTH OF EXISTENCE!!
Well how do you suppose the townsfolk reacted? About the same way you would if some guy came out of the woods proclaiming that he had visions of God: this dude found some bad ganja! But our boy Joe is undeterred. He decides that he's going to translate the plates into English. So he gets his buddy Martin Harris to help him.
Here's how the system worked. Joe had a couple of "seer stones" (the book is a bit vague on where these came from) that he tossed into his hat. Joe would look into the hat, and then dictate the translation to Marty. This is one of those little factoids that the church likes to leave out. They say he translated the Book of Mormon, but they don't say how. They know it sounds like bullshit.
I think Marty started to smell the fecal matter too because he decides to take the book home one night. His wife convinces him to conveniently "misplace" the book. Her theory is that if Joe is telling the truth, he'll be able to reproduce the pages exactly from the seer stones. I have to admit, that's a pretty damn good idea. (This story, by the way, was made famous by a South Park episode. Check it out if you have the chance - it's pretty much accurate.)
So Joe's in a real bind now. But FEAR NOT YE FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS! God comes to Joe in a vision and tells Joe that the people are no longer deserving of the book they were working on (The Book of Lehi - for those keeping score). Joe should start writing the next book (The Book of Nephi - the first book in the Book of Mormon). You know the best part?? Marty buys this explanation!!
I imagine him going back to his wife with this story and her calling bullshit on it. He then smacks her in the face and says, "Quiet woman! You're my bitch and now his too! Go cook my dinner!" (Weren't the 1800's fun?)
The church fully acknowledges this story (of course, they don't tell it like I do). They acknowledge the next part too. Joe and Marty finish the translation and start spreading their Book of Mormon to the masses. Some of the townspeople demand to see the Gold Plates (common sense being around back then too). Joe says that God took them to heaven for safe keeping.
I kind of admire old Joe. He's a bullshitter extrordinaire! You can't learn skills like that.
I was aware of most of this story growing up. As an impressionable and trusting child, it sounded good enough to me. After all, everyone at church thought it was legit. Then I grew up, and suddenly something smelled fishy (and it wasn't fishes and loaves night in Jeruselem either). I swear, you have to wonder how anyone could buy this nonsense.
I must say something in defense of Mormons: they're really very nice people typically. You will not find a more generous and friendly (though often judgmental) group of people anywhere. Still, I don't think any of them are playing with a full deck.
UPCOMING MORMON TOPICS:
God is an alien
Fundie Undies
Mormonism and Battlestar Galactica
Native Americans are evil
The Word of Wisdom
Who wants to be a God?
4 comments:
The Mormons I know are very nice, too, although they won't drink pop or coffee. I did get the wife to drink wine though--but it's OK, she was a convert & is expected to slip anyway. :D
I'm glad you're tackling the difficult subject of fundie undies. I look forward to your masterful rendering of this doctrine. Maybe I'll go on a JW rant of my own!
I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the fundie undies yet. I never had any, and I've never even seen them in real life. I may have to do some background research. :)
I'd look forward to a JW rant.
The JW rants are just creepy. They aren't alterno-bizarro universe. :( No planets or fundy undies. Oh, but we do have a secret book telling us what sexual acts we can and can't do! Does that count? That's still not as exciting as fundy undies.
First of all, the Urim and Thumim were in Cummorah's hill along with the Sword of Laban, the Breastplate, the Gold Plates and who knows how many other relics. If you're going to rank on the Church at least get the facts right. Second of all, the lost manuscript (thank you Martin Harris) was not retranslated because the people who STOLE it had altered it so that the two translations wouldn't read the same if Joseph retranslated it. Really... Third, how many witnesses were there of the Book of Mormon--actually having seen and handled it? They're all in the front cover--including Martin Harris. Kinda puts your story to shame. And finally, once you leave the church you can't leave it alone? Why is that? Hm?
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