Prophet Margins

"L-l-l-l-let my p-p-p-p-people g-g-g-g-go!!"

In her most recent church bulletin, Mrs. Employer included the following selection. My favorite parts are highlighted in blue.

The next time you feel bad or useless and are too far from God to do any good, just remember...

Noah was a drunk
Isaac was a daydreamer
Leah was ugly
Moses had a stuttering problem
Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Jonah ran from God
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced... more than once
Zacchaeus was too small
Timothy had an ulcer
Abraham was too old
Jacob was a liar
Joseph was abused
Gideon was afraid
Isaiah preached naked
Naomi was a widow
John the Baptist ate bugs
The disciples fell asleep while praying
Paul was too religious
AND Lazarus was dead!

This may be the greatest religious compilation I've seen since I watched Monty Python's The Life of Brian. I understand that Mrs. Employer is trying to humanize the characters of the Bible, but in doing so, she inadvertently created much delight for this humble nonbeliever. I thought that these prophets were supposed to be role models and that we're supposed to take our guiding moral principles from the Bible? I've already mentioned in a previous post that Moses is a murderer, but he apparently has a stuttering problem, too. He's starting to sound more and more like a sociopath every day. And he's not even the only murderer on the list. David's a noted killer as well.

I didn't know Noah was a drunk, but if I had to spend 40 days and 40 nights on a mythical ship filled with animals, I'd probably hit the sauce too.

The list makes the people of the Bible out to be adulterers, womanizers, prostitutes, drunks, and killers. I thoroughly approve. While it seems peculiar that Mrs. Employer, devout Christian that she is, would want to emphasize that the very people she reveres are also wildly inappropriate, I can see how it would help to comfort mere mortals who fear they're not good enough for God. Of course, it doesn't say much for God that this so-called supreme being cavorts with such questionable folks.

Isaiah and John the Baptist are my favorites. They preached naked and ate bugs respectively. Nudists and bug-eaters always meet with my approval. I also like that Paul was "too religious" for God. The implications of that statement are staggering.

Some of these "weaknesses" seem a bit judgmental though. Why are having long hair, having an ulcer, and being ugly considered problematic? Is Jesus a hippie-hating, jalapeno-eating, narcissistic asshole?

Lazarus rising from the dead is just awesome whether it actually happened or not. Immortality shouldn't be considered a personality defect.

The moral of this lesson is that you can do pretty much whatever you like... God will forgive you anyway.

Especially if you kill someone... so stab away my gentile friends!

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"Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?"
"Yes."
"That guy must have been wasted 24/7!"