Cooking with JP

You know me as the charming, witty, super-sexy blogger who amuses you while you're procrastinating at work or recovering after an intense hour at porn sites. But today I added a new skill to my repertoire: I can prepare an edible meal that other people actually like!

My parents were both out of town yesterday and part of today, leaving me to handle dinner for my two younger brothers and me. Typically, I go straight for the easiest dinner possible and make a beeline for the pizza delivery menu on the refrigerator. But I've gotten pretty tired of fast food dinners of late, so I decided to actually prepare something on my own. My two youngest brothers were perfect for my experiment because they're far more likely to eat whatever glop I'd prepare than to go to the trouble of getting anything else.

The first night was pretty tame. I just made some generic macaroni and cheese, which was actually a minor accomplishment for me because usually when I make macaroni and cheese, it's often a watery, soggy mess. I've since learned to drain properly, so that's less of an issue now.

But this evening I was feeling particularly ambitious. Earlier today, Mrs. Employer recruited me to help her make a pierogi casserole for some sort of church function. The damn thing looked delicious by the time we were done (and was filled with enough cheese to choke a Packers fan), so after that, a Big Bacon Classic just wasn't going to cut it. With no easy-fix meals in the pantry, I scoured our house for whatever might be edible. I found some chicken breasts, white rice, and frozen french-cut green beans. As you might imagine, I made some chicken breasts with white rice and french-cut green beans. Emeril would hardly be impressed, but I'd rather woo Rachael Ray anyway. The process was even easier than I'd anticipated because the chicken that my parents had purchased was already pre-breaded and ready to go. I had the materials and wherewithal to bread the chicken myself, so I want brownie points for having the skill set (though a pan of brownies would be nice too). I jazzed the chicken up a bit with some basil and shredded cheese on top, and voila! Instant deliciousness!

I really do enjoy cooking stuff. Granted, the day to day business of preparing meals would get tedious, but every once in awhile, I think it's fun to try to make a delicious dish. When I lived by myself, I could make a pretty respectable batch of chili, a mean pasta primavera, and a truly excellent tortellini salad that I bastardized from a friend (LD) into a much more unhealthy concoction featuring a ton of salami and feta cheese. And, of course, let's not forget the baked chicken.

One of the hindrances to cooking on my own is that it's often a big pain in the ass to cook for just one person (or even two when I was with Batmite). Another problem is that I don't really understand what the spices do. I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between cilantro, basil, and dill weed if Paula Dean were holding a machete to my throat and demanding that I do a blind taste test. Furthermore, I always get the timing all wrong. I guarantee that any side dishes I'm making will be done ten minutes before the main course. This is why anything I could make in a crock pot was golden to me!

I could be cooking at home, but an audience makes the whole thing even worse. If I screw something up on my own, I'm the only one who has to choke the food down. If I screw up at home, five people miss out on dinner. And in my family, you don't want to be responsible for that mistake! And once again, the spices screw me over because I've noticed that half of my family likes spicy and sour things like I do, but the other half doesn't. Cooking for other people is hard! Why can't everyone enjoy a tasty cucumber salad with vinegar, parmesean cheese, and a boatload of pepper and a batch of hot buffalo chicken wings with bleu cheese on the side? Although I probably shouldn't eat that meal if I have to be around other people the same day.

I may have to start playing around in the kitchen more often though. I really need to start compiling some recipes that are tasty but that also don't take half a day to prepare. I should probably start with casseroles and work my way down. One of these days I'll get my dad to show me how to make kugelis and some of the other bacon-filled Lithuanian dishes that he knows. That way I can make myself look even thinner by packing my dinner guests with tasty and mouth-watering cholesterol!

Oh who am I kidding? I could eat a whole pan of that stuff myself!

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This post in no way serves as a contractual obligation for JP or any other persons associated with The Undesirable Element to prepare dinner at home on a daily basis. Bribery must be utilized for such an arrangement.