A Close Shave

I like having a nice clean-shaven look. I tried having a goatee for a year in college, and while I thought I rocked the goat at the time, in retrospect I looked pretty stupid. It never grew in very thick, so in most pictures from that time, I appear to have a ring of brown dirt around my mouth and chin. I don't think my face lends itself well to a beard either. Much as I'd love to sport the Commander Riker or the Rasputin look, I think smooth is the way to go.

However, shaving regularly means that I have to endure the daily trials and tribulations of the process, and that's starting to piss me off.

I keep getting this damned rash of red bumps on the center of my neck, and no matter what I try, they won't go away. I use the traditional troika of shaving cream, razor, and aftershave gel. I scoured the internet looking for tips and tricks for a better shave, and half of the information contradicts the other half. Some "experts" argue that applying foam liberally over the face before a shave is key. The others say that a light oil is all that is necessary and that the foam actually hinders the shave. Half of internet shavers say that you should stretch the skin with your fingers as you run the razor over your face to get the best shave. The other half claims that you should never stretch the skin because it causes irritation. Some say I should be shaving every day to get my skin used to the shaving process. Still others argue that shaving every day irritates the skin. And all of this doesn't even scratch the surface of the debate between electric versus traditional razors. And in movies, everyone always uses those insane straight razors despite the fact that one false move with one of those death sticks could slice an artery.

How the hell have men been shaving their faces for centuries and not been able to come up with a consensus on how to do it!? Why is it so hard to find reliable information?

There are some tips that everyone agrees on. Alcohol-based aftershaves are apparently terrible for the skin (and yet they're sold everywhere and used as the basis for that shaving scene in Home Alone). After a hot shower is the best time to shave. Replacing your razor blades at least once a week reduces skin irritation. And cleansing the skin before shaving is critical. I've incorporated the first three tips into my shaving regimen, but I haven't yet purchased an actual skin cleanser to use before I shave, so that may be the next step in my quest for an effective shave.

I tried some new ideas, and they failed spectacularly. I bought this special shaving cream that you spread very thinly over your face. The claim was that the cream would cause the hairs to stand up straighter allowing the razor to cut them more effectively. I guess it's like a hair-Viagra. That lasted all of one day. I looked like a lawnmower had just eaten my face for breakfast after shaving with that stuff. I also tried a special aftershave moisturizer, but it left my neck feeling gooey the whole day, and it didn't really do anything for the rash. It'd be nice if products would come with disclaimers like "This substance sucks balls! Do not buy!"

I know it's probably unmanly to bitch about shaving techniques and irritated skin, but god dammit, I have to do it every day! The whole idea behind shaving is to make me look better, so if it's not working right, I want to fix it. If any of you faithful readers out there have had the same problem and found a successful solution, I would love to hear it. My neck will thank you.

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"Two heads are better than one."
"Who said that?"
"I think it was a man who sold hats."