One Giant Trombone Led the Big Parade

To amuse myself during this lazy Kittanning summer, I joined the Kittanning Firemen's Band. My two younger brothers and several friends have been trying to get me to join for years, but I stubbornly refused on the grounds that I'm just far too accustomed to being contrary. But I finally broke down this summer, and I'm now the newest tromboner in the band.

Two years ago, the band participated in a parade, but they needed one more person to have the minimum membership necessary to compete. Since my brother couldn't make it, I threw on his uniform, went along with them, and carried the banner. It was simple enough, and there was much drinking and merriment along the way. Since that single instance, the Firemen's Band has sent me all of their newsletters and publications as though I were already a full member. So while I feel that I've only been part of the band for about two months, the books have probably had my name on the roster for two and a half years.

I swore I'd never play the trombone again after high school. Trombone music in high school bands is typically dull and tedious. There are a lot of whole notes and lifeless rhythms that serve to bump up all the truly awesome parts played by the trumpets, saxophones, and clarinets. If we even glimpsed a melody or anything slightly complicated that was labeled "fortissimo," we actually stopped doodling and mocking each other long enough to play what little musical morsels they would decide to throw our way, and we'd make the most of them. I may not have been a very good trombone player, but I could play loud. When in doubt, blow your brains out, and hope that no one will notice that you played the wrong note.

But in the Firemen's Band, the trombones get the melody (or counter-melody) all the time. At one recent performance, I wasn't aware that ONLY the trombones play the melody of "Amazing Grace" for the first half of our arrangement. Since I was the only trombone at said performance, my amateur ass got a solo on one of the most melodic and familiar songs in the band's oeuvre.** Take THAT consistently third-chair high-school JP. You got to rock a solo!

As if that's not enough, the trombones are right out front when we march in parades. In the photo at the top, that's me at the DuBois Parade right in the middle behind the drum major. Since, as with most situations, I tower over everyone else, it looks like I'm either leading the band or that I'm serving as their honorary bastion. Though in that uniform, I look like a mutant Ghostbuster.

Another advantage that the Firemen's Band has over the high school band is the ready (and often free) access to alcohol. I am thoroughly amazed by the huge fanbase that this ragtag group of Sousa-march players has across the state, though I suspect many of them think that everyone in the band is an actual fireman (which is not really the case - the band is simply supported by the Kittanning fire companies). But regardless of their motives, I'm equally impressed by said fanbase's willingness to give us free booze. A consistent stream of liquor could have made those high school football games a lot more interesting.

In a town replete with hopeless and cultureless slobs whose idea of reading involves the pizza shop's delivery menu while they drink themselves into a stupor every night as they're waiting to deal heroin out of the home of their pregnant teenage girlfriend because their brother is still serving jail time, it's nice to be with a group of guys who actually like to do something reasonably enriching in their spare time.

Though I suppose we drink ourselves into a stupor after every performance, so we still have that in common with our village brethren.

** My pretentious use of needlessly complicated words has now extended to music, as well. You're welcome!

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"Do you find something funny about the word TROMBONER!?"