This image representing aerial fun and awesomeness was taken from the less interesting ground.
On Sunday, Batmite and Kim went skydiving. As you well know, your chubby author was not allowed to go skydiving due to him being a hefty aerial hazard; nevertheless, I went along to watch (and to take a series of pictures).
Click on any image to enlarge:
When we arrived at the Skydiving Center in Grove City, PA, I was a bit hesitant about hanging around on the ground all day. I figured everyone would assume that I was a coward or that I'd have to explain that I was too fat for a parachute to successfully prevent my untimely terrestrial splatter. Much to my surprise and relief, the place was pretty crowded, so I didn't attract much attention (or at least no more so than usual).
I got to tag along with Batmite and Kim during their training stuff, and fortunately boredom was never an issue. I got a big kick out of the form that they had to sign that essentially protected the company against any legal action resulting from injury, death, whiplash, or rape (more on that last one later). This five-page document had a bright orange cover with the word "WARNING!!" in huge letters at the top. You know, in case you didn't realize that jumping out of an airplane at 13,500 ft. carried some risk with it.
JP is highly annoyed at the blurriness of this picture.
After signing their lives away, one of the people there had them watch a training video. He told them to pay particular attention to the form of the skydivers as they jumped out of the plane. "Burn that image into your memory!" he told them. His pleadings might have been heeded if not for the expert on the training video who was explaining the safety tips. My biggest regret from the whole day is that I didn't take a picture of the guy, but he looked a lot like Rasputin.
Russian revolutionary, mystic, and closet parachute enthusiast
Seriously, the dude had a beard down to his knees! We couldn't stop laughing. As you might imagine, we missed a lot of what the guy said (including a long section about our legal rights), and that didn't bother me a whole lot, but Batmite and Kim seemed a bit uneasy about it after the video ended.
The video was straightforward and rather dry (aside from Rasputin), and I was hoping for something a bit more colorful. As we were waiting, I noticed a whole stack of skydiving-themed videos strewn about on the counter. One particular DVD cover caught my attention.
It was called Fixed 2 (I couldn't believe there was an original). Click on that image and read the list of extremely dangerous things that are featured on this movie. I'm most curious about "a collision with an antenna," "naked jumps," "over 35 painful malfunctions, landings, collisions, and bloopers," and the seemingly baffling hyperbole of "more insanity." How can something be more insane than this:
JP almost blocked out the R-rated material, but he figured that the air-inverted breasts had to be seen to be believed.
My apologies to anyone who's reading this at work and is now explaining this image to the boss.
Click on any image to enlarge:
When we arrived at the Skydiving Center in Grove City, PA, I was a bit hesitant about hanging around on the ground all day. I figured everyone would assume that I was a coward or that I'd have to explain that I was too fat for a parachute to successfully prevent my untimely terrestrial splatter. Much to my surprise and relief, the place was pretty crowded, so I didn't attract much attention (or at least no more so than usual).
I got to tag along with Batmite and Kim during their training stuff, and fortunately boredom was never an issue. I got a big kick out of the form that they had to sign that essentially protected the company against any legal action resulting from injury, death, whiplash, or rape (more on that last one later). This five-page document had a bright orange cover with the word "WARNING!!" in huge letters at the top. You know, in case you didn't realize that jumping out of an airplane at 13,500 ft. carried some risk with it.
JP is highly annoyed at the blurriness of this picture.After signing their lives away, one of the people there had them watch a training video. He told them to pay particular attention to the form of the skydivers as they jumped out of the plane. "Burn that image into your memory!" he told them. His pleadings might have been heeded if not for the expert on the training video who was explaining the safety tips. My biggest regret from the whole day is that I didn't take a picture of the guy, but he looked a lot like Rasputin.
Russian revolutionary, mystic, and closet parachute enthusiastSeriously, the dude had a beard down to his knees! We couldn't stop laughing. As you might imagine, we missed a lot of what the guy said (including a long section about our legal rights), and that didn't bother me a whole lot, but Batmite and Kim seemed a bit uneasy about it after the video ended.
The video was straightforward and rather dry (aside from Rasputin), and I was hoping for something a bit more colorful. As we were waiting, I noticed a whole stack of skydiving-themed videos strewn about on the counter. One particular DVD cover caught my attention.
It was called Fixed 2 (I couldn't believe there was an original). Click on that image and read the list of extremely dangerous things that are featured on this movie. I'm most curious about "a collision with an antenna," "naked jumps," "over 35 painful malfunctions, landings, collisions, and bloopers," and the seemingly baffling hyperbole of "more insanity." How can something be more insane than this:
JP almost blocked out the R-rated material, but he figured that the air-inverted breasts had to be seen to be believed.My apologies to anyone who's reading this at work and is now explaining this image to the boss.
Batmite and Kim, not willing to risk flapping jiggly bits and excrutiating whiplash by jumping out au natural, suited up. Kim got to wear a totally boss flight suit that looked like something out of Top Gun. Meanwhile, Batmite had to wear what looked like a plumber's onesie:
The Mushroom Kingdom has finally outsourced Mario's job.
The Mushroom Kingdom has finally outsourced Mario's job.It got even worse after they got their harnesses, caps, and goggles on:
As we were waiting for their turn in the sky, we were wandering around the building looking at the pictures and various skydiving paraphenalia. One particular shelf was filled with a huge assortment of trophies, and I was rather impressed.... until Batmite pointed out the object that was clearly out of place:
Why is there an URN on this shelf??? As a first time jumper, it did not put Batmite's mind at ease to see human remains displayed alongside their prestigious awards.
While watching so many people have fun, I was growing increasingly annoyed with my inability to jump. At one point, I declared to Batmite, "You know, I'm going to make it a personal goal to find someplace that caters to the Big and Tall skydiver." A guy who worked there overheard my declaration, and he came over to us, "Hey, let me give you guys a bit of advice. If someplace says that they specialize in jumps for bigger guys, you look them right in the eye and say, 'Thanks but no thanks,' and you walk away." He went on to explain that the reason for the weight limit is that all primary chutes can handle just about anything, but the reserve chutes are the ones that aren't rated for the husky gentleman. He said, "If I was ABSOLUTELY certain that the primary chute would open, I'd take you up myself, but it's not worth the risk." I wholeheartedly agreed, though I did wonder why he'd be more or less sure about the safety of any particular parachute. Does he go up in the plane and say, "Okay, you take this one, it's a guaranteed winner. This other one is either filled with a parachute or a set of silverware."
Another helpful informant told me that most harnesses wouldn't fit me because of my "large frame." I know they were trying to be polite, but that sounds so much worse. Body fat can be lost, but I can't exactly alter my bone structure without some serious disfigurement.
Finally, Batmite and Kim took to the skies in what appeared to be the plane from Fantasy Island.
While Mr. Roarke took them up in his sweet sky ride, I waited on the ground with the other commoners. They told me later that the plane was REALLY cramped, with nine people wedged into a space designed for maybe four. Batmite and Kim were both doing a tandem jump, which means that they were strapped to the front of experienced skydivers who would ensure their safety. Batmite was stoked that his guy allowed him to do a wicked Superman pose and a Hulk-like thunder clap.
Kim described her guy (named Dave) as being nice but a little creepy. I have to admit, Dave sounded a bit like a rapist. She said that Dave insisted that she sit on his lap in the plane, and he kept checking the clasps on the front of her harness (incidently placed right at breast level). He told her to keep her head tilted back to look at him during the jump (Batmite received no such caveat), and Dave apparently insisted that he be paired with Kim. On the way down, he complained that the harness was agitating his "area." If he was a rapist, it's a pretty convenient career option and situation. After all, who's going to start agitating the rapist skydiving expert right before you're going to drop out of an airplane with him?
"Dave may have gotten to first base, but I'm the one who raped the sky."
Both Batmite and Kim survived their escapade, and they both loved the experience (borderline molestation notwithstanding). I'm glad they had fun, but part of me was hoping that they'd land and say, "Meh... pie is more fun." (Har! Pie in the sky! I kill me!) I'm jealous of their whole experience.
Hopefully I can get in on the next adventure. Of course, fat guys are probably function as a sentient anchor during white-water rafting.
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Grove City Skydiving Center: No Fatties
As we were waiting for their turn in the sky, we were wandering around the building looking at the pictures and various skydiving paraphenalia. One particular shelf was filled with a huge assortment of trophies, and I was rather impressed.... until Batmite pointed out the object that was clearly out of place:
Why is there an URN on this shelf??? As a first time jumper, it did not put Batmite's mind at ease to see human remains displayed alongside their prestigious awards.While watching so many people have fun, I was growing increasingly annoyed with my inability to jump. At one point, I declared to Batmite, "You know, I'm going to make it a personal goal to find someplace that caters to the Big and Tall skydiver." A guy who worked there overheard my declaration, and he came over to us, "Hey, let me give you guys a bit of advice. If someplace says that they specialize in jumps for bigger guys, you look them right in the eye and say, 'Thanks but no thanks,' and you walk away." He went on to explain that the reason for the weight limit is that all primary chutes can handle just about anything, but the reserve chutes are the ones that aren't rated for the husky gentleman. He said, "If I was ABSOLUTELY certain that the primary chute would open, I'd take you up myself, but it's not worth the risk." I wholeheartedly agreed, though I did wonder why he'd be more or less sure about the safety of any particular parachute. Does he go up in the plane and say, "Okay, you take this one, it's a guaranteed winner. This other one is either filled with a parachute or a set of silverware."
Another helpful informant told me that most harnesses wouldn't fit me because of my "large frame." I know they were trying to be polite, but that sounds so much worse. Body fat can be lost, but I can't exactly alter my bone structure without some serious disfigurement.
Finally, Batmite and Kim took to the skies in what appeared to be the plane from Fantasy Island.
While Mr. Roarke took them up in his sweet sky ride, I waited on the ground with the other commoners. They told me later that the plane was REALLY cramped, with nine people wedged into a space designed for maybe four. Batmite and Kim were both doing a tandem jump, which means that they were strapped to the front of experienced skydivers who would ensure their safety. Batmite was stoked that his guy allowed him to do a wicked Superman pose and a Hulk-like thunder clap.Kim described her guy (named Dave) as being nice but a little creepy. I have to admit, Dave sounded a bit like a rapist. She said that Dave insisted that she sit on his lap in the plane, and he kept checking the clasps on the front of her harness (incidently placed right at breast level). He told her to keep her head tilted back to look at him during the jump (Batmite received no such caveat), and Dave apparently insisted that he be paired with Kim. On the way down, he complained that the harness was agitating his "area." If he was a rapist, it's a pretty convenient career option and situation. After all, who's going to start agitating the rapist skydiving expert right before you're going to drop out of an airplane with him?
"Dave may have gotten to first base, but I'm the one who raped the sky."Hopefully I can get in on the next adventure. Of course, fat guys are probably function as a sentient anchor during white-water rafting.
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Grove City Skydiving Center: No Fatties
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