It Suits Me

Last night I went to see the River City Brass Band at Heinz Hall. Despite the aura of cultured sophistication that I exude, this is the first time that I'd ever gone to Heinz Hall, and it gave me a great excuse to dress up for the occasion.

I don't understand why so many men have an aversion to wearing a nice shirt and tie. Personally, I like the way I look in dress clothes and especially in a suit. It's one of the things I'm most looking forward to when I eventually find gainful employment. I can look good every day. I need a dress code because I have never had any sense of fashion; most of my clothes run the gamut from plaid to also-plaid. But formal clothes for men are simple, and I always look good in them. Last night, I wore a pair of black dress pants, a nice long-sleeved gray dress shirt, a blue tie. I even gelled my hair. It's not that Heinz Hall has a strict dress code, but in my day-to-day life as a lawn mower / church secretary / unemployed bum, I seldom have an excuse to pretend to be a cultured individual.

Truth be told, I find dress clothes to be exceptionally comfortable. Unless you shop at "CORDUROY AND POLYESTER UNLIMITED," most dress clothes are made of material that feels good against the skin. While I'm sure other people at the concert were uncomfortable with me rubbing my body while quietly moaning, "Ohhh, that feels nice," I thought it was a testament to the fine craftsmanship of my clothes.

The only thing I don't like about dressing up is the shoes. I can go to any shoe store in the country, and if I want some athletic shoes, the advertisements assure me that shoe scientists have made stunning breakthroughs in the cushioning and support of feet. My toes are always roomy and have plenty of wiggle-room. Dress shoes, however, are the shoe equivalent of a hard dining room chair. Sure it serves its function, but would a cushion and a proper shape have been too much to ask for? My black dress shoes squash my toes together in a very uncomfortable manner, and if I plan to walk for more than half a mile, I better be prepared to deal with blisters and callouses the next day.

Granted, that's probably what I get for buying a pair of $10 dress shoes, but even poor people want decent arch support, god dammit!!

My friend is getting married at the end of the month, and I'm actually IN the wedding, so I get the chance to wear the ultimate in men's formal wear: the tuxedo. Not only will I look good, I can bear a striking resemblance to the largest penguin in the Antarctic! And if I get shoes that are anything like the ones I have now, I'm sure I'll waddle around like one, too.

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