Something's Been Bugging Me

From a very early age, I have had an unwavering hatred and fear of large insects. And even though arachnophiles may find fault with the technical definition, I'm lumping spiders into that group too. For accuracy's sake, let's just say I have a crippling fear of arthropods.

Large insects aren't my only phobia, but they creep me out the most. I haven't had enough experience with snakes to rule them out, so I'm not going to make a final judgment just yet. Mice make me jump around in a girlish manner, but it's not nearly the same sort of discomfort. But a creepy crawly with an exoskeleton and a penchant for traveling in a swarm is enough to make me want to live in a plastic bubble.

There are some insects that don't bother me much even if I'd prefer they don't exist. Little ones like flies, ladybugs, and some other friendlies are acceptable. Dragonflies give me pause because of their bizarre ability hover in the air like a hummingbird, but they're otherwise okay. I'm even understanding toward bees. Bees want nothing to do with people. If a bee wants to fuck up your day, it's only because YOU are the one who stumbled into his hive. Wasps are kind of the same way even though they hurt a lot more. Stinging insects tend to keep to themselves, and their behavior makes sense. If they get into your house, it's usually by accident, and they eagerly hover near a window wanting to get out.

Bigger bugs like spiders and cockroaches, on the other hand, are the deadbeat uncles of the arthropod family. They wander into your house, pick a damp corner, never leave, and mooch off of your food. (This is probably how Batmite's relatives currently view him.) Daddy-long-legs spiders are acceptable because they're about as harmless as a sprig of hair. But those big black hairy motherfuckers who love to scurry around the floor in the middle of the night when you're tired and on your way to take a leak need to be exterminated from the face of the planet. It's not that I'm afraid of getting bitten; they just freak me out! Cockroaches are the same way. They come out right when you don't want to deal with them. I never see a cockroach or a big spider when I'm wearing work gloves, a big pair of boots, and hanging out with someone else. I'm always alone, barefoot, and in my underwear.

No nightmare will keep me from a good night's sleep quite like a dream about dozens of spiders in my room. I once had a disturbingly realistic nightmare about dozens of spiders crawling all over me in my bed. I didn't sleep the rest of the night. Actually having a big bug in my room results in me brandishing a flyswatter or large broom like a katana blade while yelling at the bug as I try to work up the nerve to go kill it. You should see my victory dance after I've actually squashed one of the bastards. You would think I'd just taken down a cougar with a pen knife.

And this is how I deal with the relatively tame insects that are around Western Pennsylvania. I've heard tales from other parts of the country, and I swear to your fictional God, I'm never moving to the South!! I'd never be able to fall asleep.

On three separate occasions, people informed me of giant flying hissing cockroaches that have a love for landing in people's hair. They're common in Texas, Louisiana, and some other Southern states. The existence of this creature is proof enough of natural selection. No loving god would create such a organism. I mean, c'mon!! It's hisses AND flies... into your hair!!

Another guy I know rented a house in Arizona that had been unoccupied for a few months. Apparently, in Arizona one must fumigate frequently, and this house wasn't fumigated while it was vacant. The guy watched from outside as the exterminators fumigated the house, and SHEETS of cockroaches poured out of the house. It was RAINING cockroaches!!!

NO. Just.... no!

How about this little number from Japan:
I know I said that bees don't bother me, but I'd make an exception for our friend the Japanese Giant Hornet (aptly named). I also wouldn't mind if I never run into a swarm of killer bees in my lifetime. If I have to explain why I want to avoid KILLER BEES, then you clearly aren't understanding why the words "lethal" and "swarm" should sound so menacing when used together.

And while I'm covering the grotesquely giant critters:
Behold the Goliath Spider (again, appropriately named). It can eat a bird. Need I say more?

Seriously, I think I'd have a psychotic break if I ever encountered that thing in real life.

But these are not likely to be a part of my life anytime soon. I can barely handle the concept of having to deal with creepy crawlies getting into my house and confronting them by myself. What if I get a cockroach infestation when I'm living on my own? Am I just going to have a heart attack and die while the roaches feast on my carcass? Insects outnumber mankind by a wide margin. If they ever rise up to conquer us, I'm just swallowing a cyanide capsule and taking the coward's way out.

Say what you will about the bitter cold winters. At least they keep the bugs from growing to outrageous dimensions. You know that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where they have to go through the exotic bug cave? I'd never make it through. I'd rather have my still-beating heart ripped out by the religious zealot.

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Cracked.com: Providing pictures of giant insects that haunt my dreams since 2007.