JP: Master Criminal

The face of a career felon.

A byproduct of watching so many criminal procedurals on TV is that I begin to think about how I would have committed the crime in question to avoid prosecution. Contrary to what many television cops (and especially David Caruso) would like you to believe, the police are not demi-gods who solve every crime that crosses their desks; furthermore, they don't begin every investigation by turning to their colleague and saying, "And this time... it's personal!!" In short, confounding the cops, while not a cake walk, isn't exactly rocket science.

While watching TV, I've come up with some advice for how to commit the following crimes:

Murder: This is, naturally, something that's probably crossed everyone's mind at least once. The easiest way to avoid detection is to select some random idiot out of a phone book and blow the guy away - no motive and no ties to the deceased (and you get to make a nice homage to the movie The Jerk.) But if killing random innocents isn't your style, there are always ways to get away with killing those who deserve it. Let's say your neighbor is pissing you off... maybe he's shitting on your lawn every morning. First, don't lose your cool about it. That way, other neighbors won't be able to tell the cops that you've been screaming vulgarities and shouting, "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!!" to the recently-deceased. Second, don't use an unusual object to kill him. Chances are slim that anyone else in the neighborhood has an authentic pewter-molded Highlander sword with bloodstains on it. Use a screwdriver to stab the guy in the eye - everyone has a screwdriver. Third, try to get everyone else in the neighborhood mad at the guy so that you're not the only one with a motive. Go take dumps in their yards and frame your soon-to-be late neighbor. Finally, dispose of the body in some dinky town with a really shitty police force. A go-getter New York City detective might go the extra mile to solve your crime, but Sherriff Billy-Bob from the Ozarks will chalk it up to witchcraft.

Theft: I've never considered the old B&E (breaking and entering). I'm much too easy to describe to the constabulary. Shoplifting is where you can have the most fun. Common sense would tell you that you should try to be discreet and low-key when trying to shoplift. That may be okay if you want to pocket a pack of gum or other small tidbits, but if you really want to do things right and make off with some serious loot, you have to go the other direction. Waltz into Wal-Mart wearing an employee vest (they can't be that hard to find), grab a crate of iPods, and then stroll right out the front door like you own the place. If the buzzer goes off, explain to the dottering old woman at the front that you're just doing some routine inventory. The store may not be fooled indefinitely, but by the time they catch on, you'll be long gone. You can also come into the store like a regular customer. Put something extremely expensive but relatively small (like a laptop for instance) in the bottom of your cart. Then pile a bunch of bulky but cheap shit (like paper towels) on top. Make a HUGE scene at the cash register over... anything. Make extremely inappropriate comments about the cashier's breasts. Insist on paying in pennies... from Zimbabwe. Make a completely baseless but insistent argument about your receipt being wrong. By the time you decide to leave, they'll be so happy to see you go that they'll probably forget that you didn't put your laptop through the scanner.

Car Theft: This one gets its own mention because it would seem to go against all reason. Pick the car that has the car alarm. NOBODY takes a car alarm seriously... even if it's YOUR car. If people see you surreptitiously fiddling around with a desolate car at night, they may alert the authorities. But if you set off the car alarm of a vehicle in a store parking lot in broad daylight, you can violently smash the windows and just assure other passersby, "I locked by goddamn keys inside and this motherfucking car alarm won't shut off." They'll probably just nod their heads in understanding and walk away. Some good samaritan might even HELP you steal the car. You know what they call a guy like that... a patsy!

Commit Perjury: You know, when you say that you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth so help you God, that doesn't really mean anything if you don't believe in God. As long as you're sure that the police can't find fault with your testamony, choosing atheism for all of your courtroom needs is an effective and easy way to bypass any etherial retribution.

Libel / Slander: If you have any desire to completely sully the name and reputation of celebrities, take some advice from the master. Start a blog and use a convenient pseudonym. Using your actual initials and plastering your picture all over the blog might be something to avoid; however, if you ensure that your blog never makes any money, you won't have to worry about getting sued.

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9 out of 10 readers know that Pat Sajak is a convicted pederast!