Valentine Vendetta

I hate Valentine's Day.

Maybe that's just the cynical side of me that's been single for longer than I'd care to admit, but I don't remember EVER liking Valentine's Day. Now you readers who are in a relationships are probably saying, "That's just because you're single. I have a relationship and my sweetheart and I are going to have a wonderfully romantic day!"

BULLSHIT!

You know it's bullshit. And I don't care about gender here. It sucks no matter who you are. Let's think about the various situations that a person can be in shall we?

First of all you've got your basic single slob (like me). No single person likes Valentine's Day. It simply reminds the single loser of how lonely and undatable he or she is. If said single person just got out of a relationship, that person will probably be drowning their sorrows in copious amounts of alcohol. I'm not that bad. I'm going to go to fencing, kick the shit out of some undeserving bastard, and THEN drown my sorrows in alcohol.

There has to be a system to these things.

Then you've got the relationships. That's no good either. Now you've got to get a gift. Candy and flowers are out - they're cliche. Jewelry's probably out because you likely just spent your life savings on jewelry six weeks ago for Christmas. Besides, the Valentine's gift is supposed to be MEANINGFUL.

This is where men and women differ. Men couldn't give a shit what a woman gives them. We never give a single thought to what gifts we get for any occassion. If we can pull off finding a gift for the woman that doesn't offend her or make her feel cheap, we're so damned relieved that she could buy us a jug of goat piss and we'd be thrilled.

But women don't know this, so the holiday sucks for them too. Both genders (or both partners of the same gender as the case may be - the suckiness of Valentine's Day knows no sexual preference) must deal with danger of "balancing gifts." No one wants to buy a 300 dollar necklace only to discover that your significant other decided to go the sentimental (re: cheap) route and make you a collage of photos. Now you've got an awkward silence that leads to a fight.

The WORST situation is to just be starting a relationship when Valentine's Day comes up. As depressing as being single on Valentine's Day is, I'm kinda glad that I didn't find a girlfriend in the last two weeks or something. THEN what do you get? Does that even qualify as a relationship? I never had that exact situation happen to me, but I once started dating a girl about two weeks before her birthday. Same deal. I bought her a gift certificate to an ice cream parlor.

Ain't I classy?

The longer you're in a relationship, though, the worse it gets. You have to constantly one-up yourself to make successive Valentine's Days even better than the last. There's only so many years that you can repeat previous Valentine's Day plans with new girlfriends. I imagine that being married would just be hell on V-Day. There's no "out" if the night goes sour. If your suave plans suddenly backfire and that sensual masseuse turns out to be a serial rapist, you both still have to ride home in the same car to the same house and sleep in the same bed. That's gotta be awkward.

My one friend had the right idea. He broke up with his fiancee on Valentine's Day. I thought it was a pretty cold-hearted thing to do, but now I see how this seemingly romantic holiday could lead to a relationship-ending fight.

Although I hear the make-up sex after Valentine's Day fights is amazing, so maybe it's not so bad. Gotta do something when it's below freezing outside.

I intend to drink myself stupid and stab someone in the eye with a foil. Ah, la amor!

Yo Quiero Taco Bell

Whenever people are drinking, most go for the old standbys for drinking food: pizza, chips, pretzels, burgers, etc. But one thing that is frequently overlooked is our old buddy: the taco.

I have to say, I never really gave it much thought until last night. I had knocked back a few with some friends, but then I was hungry as I left the bar. So my one friend and I decide that we're going to get some food. But what's open at 1:45am?

Always go south of the border for the answer to that.

The Taco Bell drive thru was delightful. You can just drive through (I was not unsafe. I drank responsibly) and get all kinds of Mexican delights. Taco Bell's great because they have a simple motto: Why not deep fry it?

I'm tellin' ya, when you've been drinking, nothing hits the spot like a deep fried spicy chicken burrito. Fortunately I live by myself, so no one would have to endure the gastrointestinal distress except me. On the other hand, that little stop probably set my diet back by a few weeks. And I've probably got e-coli from the onions. But dammit, it was worth it!

ADDED BONUS: The drive thru guy screwed up our order and gave us two free soft tacos! Not that that's a real deal. Soft tacos are about the same price as Ramen Noodles. Both items actually cost negative dollars to make.

Still, I left happy. In the words of several famous Taco Bell advertising people: I'M FULL!!!!