The First Book in My "Q"

NERD ALERT: The following post may revel in geekdom in a manner that may cause discomfort for some readers. If talk of multiverses, starships, and omnipotent beings causes your stomach to churn unpleasantly, you may wish to give this post a miss.

For some time now, I've lamented the fact that I haven't been able to read for pleasure in years. Sure, I've had plenty of books assigned for class that I've casually disregarded in favor of a SparkNotes or Wikipedia summary. And maybe I've read countless articles about The Venture Bros., Star Trek, or Battlestar Galactica. And there's always fun (in every sense of the word) to be had in the realm of online erotica. But I haven't been able to truly enjoy reading for fun in a long time.

When summer first started, I tried to read a book that Batmite gave me called About a Boy by Nick Hornby. The problem was that the book was too good. It was well-written, nicely paced, and had a believable protagonist living an almost DeLillo-esque life. As the previous sentence illustrates, I couldn't help but analyze the damn thing. Much I didn't want it to, my analytical Englishy skills kept creeping into my head. I left the book in the bathroom for weeks without reading it. I'd amuse myself with old issues of my brother's Game Informer magazine or some articles out of our family's Bathroom Reader collection.

But then Batmite came through for me. While on a trip to San Diego, Batmite was browsing through a bookstore when he came across a book that he knew I must have! It was Q-Squared by Peter David. Sale price: $5.99.

As even the most casual of my readers must realize, I am quite a Star Trek fan. I don't speak Klingon or anything, but I've seen almost every episode of all five series. It's a sad admission really... there's a reason I don't advertise that particular fountain of knowledge. I can drive women away all on my own without throwing that little gem out there.

In any event, the cover had me at "hello." The book promises to bring back the beloved character Q (left of Picard on the cover) and reunite him with the flamboyant Trelane from the original Star Trek TV series (to the right of Picard and pictured at the top of this post). Not only that, but for some reason, two guys are engaged in an epic lightsaber duel with lightning that belongs at the climax of Highlander. I was mildly annoyed that some artist thought that lightsabers were part of the Star Trek universe, but believe it or not, that scene actually occurs in the book.

For those who may not enjoy the Trek as much as I do, let me explain the awesomeness of this whole concept. Trelane was a one-shot character in an episode of the original Star Trek called "The Squire of Gothos." Trelane was a powerful energy being of some sort that watched Earth from the distant planet of Gothos. But Trelane neglected to consider how long it takes for light to reach a planet that's so far away, so he was actually viewing earth of the 19th century. As a result, he acts like a pompous dandy with god-like powers. Kirk, because he can punch God in the face and live to tell about it, was not impressed by Trelane. It turns out that Trelane was actually a child, and the episode ends with Trelane being grounded by his parents. You can't help but love how completely over-the-top the actor's performance was! This guy was the original closet case.

Q, on the other hand, is this condescending omnipotent being from the Q-Continuum who toys with the crew of Picard's Enterprise from time to time. This book contends that Trelane and Q are actually part of the same race, and Trelane shows up on Picard's Enterprise as Q's apprentice.

The details aren't really important. What matters is that the book is a fanboy's wet dream. Not only do the characters rattle off mundane trivia from countless episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation (and sadly I picked up on every reference), but apparently Q and Trelane are responsible for just about every major event in the Star Trek universe. Not only that, but the narrative shifts between the "normal" universe and an alternate universe. Fanboys love alternate universes. It means they can do whatever the hell they want with the characters. So Picard is serving as first officer under his long-dead best friend and having an affair with the doctor. Riker and Troi are married with a son. Worf is a renegade Klingon who essentially kicks everyone's ass in the book. Lieutenant Yar never died. Data is human. LaForge isn't blind. Peter David just does whatever the hell he wants.

And I fucking loved it! The book isn't really all that good by English major standards, but it was damn good fun for a Star Trek dork like me. I couldn't put the damn thing down. The book was terrible and awesome at the same time. It was like watching Red Dawn or any Steven Segal movie. How can you not love a book that ends with Picard fencing with Trelane on a planet called Terminus?

This book was exactly what I needed to jump start a more leisurely reading queue. There was absolutely no way to bring my English skills to bear on this book. I've got a few other books to start on now, and I think I can read them with a clear head.

And so, without further ado, (and because no one reading this probably gives a shit about this post), I'll simply leave you with a legitimately sweet Q quote from the book:

"You accuse me arrogance? Picard, I could blast this ship out of existence if I felt like it. I could grow hair on your head, turn your crew into embryos, force Worf to recite doggerel. I could turn your ship inside out, your reality outside in. I am not being condescending, Picard... not that I'm incapable of it, you understand, but this simply isn't one of the times. Now, what I most definitely am, Picard, is arrogant. Why? Because I have a reason to be. I have a right to be. So... mortal... what's your excuse?" -- Q

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Q-Squared: Google informs that this is also the name of a gay community organization in Seattle. Perhaps our friend Trelane will find acceptance after all.