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Sweet Infinity Shot

One of the annoyances of not having future plans comes from everyone asking what my dream job would be. Sometimes I'm given this question in the form of a hypothetical: "If money were no object, what would you do for a living?"

It's really a stupid question when you think about it. What ignoramus doesn't consider his or her financial opportunities before launching into a career? But given the constraints of the question, and after considerable thought, I'd have to say that I'd probably write this blog for a living.

Now wait a minute!! You in front of the computer screen laughing derisively and calling a nearby friend, colleague, or roommate to help you mock the delusional blogger. I know you're wondering how I could possibly consider blogging as a career when I post on an average of twice a week. (Check the menu on the right-hand side. Almost every month has eight or nine posts... August is a notable weak spot.) Well, I don't actually think I could do this for a living. But we're talking about the hypothetical question, remember?

I sometimes think about the future of this blog. After all, the thing has been up and around for over two years now. As far as I can tell, my readership hovers somewhere between 20 and 30 regular readers, and I know just about every one of you in real life. Of all the people who regularly comment on my blog, only "The Shit" and "Aardvark Man" stand out as being people I can't readily identify. Naturally, the only two outsiders who read my blog are a hostile agitator who berates me once a fortnight and a deranged lunatic who escaped from Dr. Seuss's brain while he was using acid (Yark Yark Yark Snork Flargle Bizpin Gagplorp).

I do get occasional comments from other people that I don't know, and with one or two exceptions, they're all offended or disgusted by what I've written. For instance, I have a comment under "The Stormin' Mormon, Part 1: The Story of Joe" that calls my fact-checking into question and implies that I'm obsessed with my former religion. In a comment for "An Apology to Dora and Diego," an angry reader indicates that I'm an ignorant bigot. In "Thus Sayeth The Douchebag," I've already commented on some guy who claims that I'm a juvenile grad student.

A few days ago, I was checking the comments on some old posts, and I discovered three new comments under a post I'd completely forgotten about: "Have Carrot - Will Travel." In that post, I mocked an article from the WVU student newspaper about these two hippies who were making a cross-country trip in their vegetable-powered bus. I made fun of their dirty clothes, their parentage, and maybe (just maybe) made passing reference to the woman being a slut. Well I'll be damned if the woman from the photograph didn't find that post. There's a comment from an "OhSoFunny" that berates me for being an ignorant chauvanist. This commenter identifies herself as the woman in the picture, and she didn't appreciate me belittling their veggie-bussing lifestyle. Two days later, a friend of theirs posted another comment. This one said, "I really think you should stay in West Virginia where prejudice is common and accepted because those kind of thoughts in a 'liberal' society (such as San Francisco) aren't tolerated. You are a close-minded redneck and judging you on your words I think that you should go watch Nascar and eat some KFC and maybe chew some tobacci..." Granted, this was not one of my better posts; it was pretty much just a cliche-filled rant about hippies. And it may have been rather mean-spirited. AND I may have made some passing reference to the woman's boobs and implied lascivious behavior on her part. But dammit, I had to defend my post. If there's something wrong with eating some KFC, then I don't want to be right. You can read my reply here (scroll to the bottom).

I may sound proud of all of this, but I'm kinda upset that I actually offended someone. It's much easier to mercilessly belittle a person when they have no idea that you're doing it. Of course, my identity still remains gorgeously anonymous, so I'm not losing much sleep over it. :)

Clearly I'm not inspiring a swarm of outside fans though. I visit other blogs and see hundreds of comments with contributions like "You hit the nail on the head with that one!" "You are such a great writer!" or "If I see you in real life, I'll give you a blowjob" from completely random people. I know my friends and family like what I write, but I'm clearly not capable of bringing in enough people to make actual money-dollars from this blog.

And I'm not terribly surprised given the content. The blogs that receive the repeat viewings all have a theme. You can find blogs about politics, religion, comic books, movies, specific TV shows, bands, education, naked people, toilets, dryer lint, tequilla, sports, and guys named Frank. My blog can't be categorized. I blog about whatever comes to mind, and while that creates a nice variety, that's not what sells. Being successful on the internet means being able to link your blog to other similar websites. I'm not the authority on any topic. I'm a jack of all topics but master of none.

But I rather like it that way. I like being able to jump onto Blogger to rant and rave about the latest bit of minutae to slip through my brain. If I want to bitch out my landlord, I can do that. If I want to put down the entire political process, no one can stop me. If I want to do a breakdown of movies like "Deathbed" or "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians," no censor will change my words. If I have a bug up my ass about automatic hand dryers, this blog will act as the exterminator. The fact that ANYONE reads my blog makes me happy - even if those who read it think that I'm a close-minded, chauvanistic, redneck asshole.

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9 out of 10 readers have now realized that they actually are NINE out of a total of TEN readers.