Yeeeeaaaaahhhh!!!!

David Caruso: King of the One-Liner

Why does CSI: Miami continue to garner good ratings? Is it because of its stellar writing? I highly doubt it. Is it the top notch acting? They wish! Could it be the preponderance of women in string bikinis that are constantly filling the background? ... Perhaps... But I believe that the real reason this show still brings in the viewers is the David Caruso One-Liner.
Every teaser opens with some hapless Miamian getting killed in a gruesome fashion followed by the CSI crew showing up for the initial investigation. The teaser ends with David Caruso slipping on his shades while uttering a completely deadpan one-liner (often a pun) about the situation at hand. For instance, suppose they come across a man who's been mauled by a dog. David Caruso (or Horatio Caine if you'd rather use his character's name) will slyly stare at the body and say, "Well I suppose in this case..." (puts on sunglasses) "... a dog wasn't man's best friend." The show's theme song, a variation of The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again," will then immediately kick in with the screaming "YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
And these one-liners occur in every single episode. Viewers of the CSI franchise are probably saying, "Well Grissom does the same thing in the original series as well!" That's true, but when Grissom delivers the line, he always has a little smirk on his face as if he knows he's making a wise-ass comment. David Caruso's expression never changes... ever. You see his expression in the picture at the top? That's how he looks ALL THE TIME. You wouldn't think that the line, "Looks like the wave isn't the only thing about to hit Miami." could ever be delivered with a straight face, but David Caruso will prove your ass wrong!

JP's Note: This is my favorite one

The deliberate and calculated way that he puts on his sunglasses while delivering these one-liners is just icing on the cake. Someone putting on a pair of sunglasses wouldn't seem to be a ridiculous action... until you see him do it a hundred times in a row!

That's how you do a one-liner, my friends.... Miami style!

I watch those clips, and I can't help but wonder what it must be like to be a writer for CSI: Miami. The one-liners are just the most noticable traits; the show really fails on all levels. David Caruso seems to demand the same character description as Batman: "Awesome and Badass!" The problem is that everything else takes a back seat to that. You would think that David Caruso would have to be a scientist first and foremost, but David Caruso is to "scientist" as Batman is to "detective;" it's all just a pretext for kicking ass. Not that there's not a certain appeal to watching David Caruso skulk in the background and scowling at everybody while interrogating suspects in a gravelly voice, but you can't hang an entire show on that.

Or so I thought.

-------------------------------------
"Wow, David Caruso! CSI: Miami really jumped the shark!"
"Yes... I suppose you could say it really should be FIN-ished."
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

(JP's Note: I don't know who first created those Caruso Cartoons, but it wasn't me. My hat is off to the clever bastard.)