Here is a list of once popular things that have been forgotten for decades or even centuries that should make a comeback no matter how impractical they may be.1. Top Hats: Nobody ever wears a snazzy top hat anymore, and that's a real shame. They're too damned classy to be forgotten to history. I would even accept the fedora being brought back into regular use. Pulp detectives and black comedians can't have all the fun.
2. Personal Jesters: Don't get me wrong. I don't want to own my own personal jester; I want to be one! Given limited career options, I think I'd stand a good chance by putting bells on top of my multi-tiered and colorful hat and throwing pies into my own face for the amusement of a benevolent monarch.
3. Public Orgies: If they were good enough for the Ancient Greeks, they're good enough for me!
4. Robes: While I'm thinking Greek, long flowing robes should be acceptable attire for everyday activities. Not only would walking around in a tailored bedsheet be exceedingly comfortable, but the loose material hides a lot of unsightly flab from public view.
5. Walking Staffs with Interesting Shapes: These days, you never see a gentleman carrying a walking stick that's shaped like a giant snake. That's a loss to society at large.
6. Meaningless Titles for the Landed Gentry: Half a millennium ago, even if you weren't royalty, you could still give yourself a pompous title as long as you owned a shitload of land (and a comparable shitload of slaves to tend to it). Slavery and feudalism may be bad, but let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. If I own a home, I want the ability to preface my name with "Master," "Sir," "Duke," "Baron," or my personal favorite "Count." It would be even better if you could pull an "Alfred, Lord Tennyson" and stick the title in the middle of your name.
7. Old Timey Maps: For some reason, Rand McNally frowns upon maps having regions cordoned off with declarations like, "HERE THERE BE DRAGONS!" Not only do I want to litter my topography with such things, but I also want to be able to assert my manifest destiny by renaming shit after my friends and family regardless of what the indiginous populations have to say about it.
8. Muttonchops: It takes a classy sumbitch to pull this look off, and I want more men (and women if they have the gumption to do it) to be growing muttonchops to go along with their top hats. You only ever see them in beard/moustache competitions, and those are far too scarce.
9. Monocles: I have no idea how people kept them from falling out all the time, but nothing says, "I have enough money to swim in and you don't" quite like a monocle. In these tough economic times, it's hard to identify rich people so that you can throw rotting vegetables at them, and monocles would help to vilify the right folks.
10. Largest Man Becomes King: You have to go pretty primitive for this rule to apply, but it would be great if I could assert supreme rule over a sizable group of people just because I'm the biggest of the bunch. And I'd be sure to execute any scrappy ambitious little kids to prevent a "David vs. Goliath" scenario from ruining my sovereignty.
11. Corner Paperboys: CNN and USA Today lack the same flair and panache that's encompassed by a newspaper boy with a Cockney accent and a flat cap shouting, "EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!"
12. Snake Oil Salesmen: Enzyte may have Smiling Bob, but the 19th century had the best advertisements for medication in any medium. Why for just a dime sir, you can find a gen-u-ine liniment that soothes the soul, cools the blood, balances your humors, and eases the derangements of the abdominal organs. And the bonus of the Snake Oil Salesman is that he often wears a top hat and sports a wicked set of muttonchops!
I'd also like to quickly address some classical trends that are best left forgotten:
- Duels: I can't win one, and I'm sure I'd mouth off to the wrong gentleman before too long.
- Inquisitions: They don't take too kindly to smartass atheists.
- Slavery: Largest man often becomes a valuable but unpaid laborer.
- Ritual Castration: There's just no good that can come from that.
- The Pillory: I have a very sensitive neck, and there are a lot of crimes against the establishment that I'd like to commit.
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The Past: From your perspective, that's when this post was written.
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