Most Likely to Develop Penguin Rocket Launchers: Oswald CobblepotAbout once a month, I receive these emails from Facebook telling of the results from their "Compare People" application. Usually they come in pairs. The first email contains the top three friends who have been rated highest in several completely shallow and trivial categories: "best friend," "coolest," "best fashion sense," "hardest worker," etc. I say "shallow" and "trivial" mostly because I'm never on these lists. However, I also receive another one about once a month called "Justin, Here are your strengths and weaknesses as voted by your friends."
Every email is exactly the same. I always have the same strengths and weaknesses.
STRENGTHS:
Most Organized
Most Useful
Most Desired for Marriage
WEAKNESSES:
Coolest
Best Travel Companion
I realize that these descriptions carry about as much weight as reading tea leaves, but I'm going to scrutinize them anyway. After all, my "friends" are apparently voting on these things. Of course, one wonders about the friends who are taking the time to join the "Compare People" application. I've also considered the possibility that the entire thing is fabricated. The strengths and weaknesses are just general enough to apply to just about anyone. What person would read this and declare, "Nay sir. I am a disorganized and useless lifelong bachelor who is cooler than Fonzie and a superior travel companion!"? But for the sake of argument, let's assume that my Facebook friends actually voted for this.
I will grant that I am obsessively organized though I don't know how most of my friends would know this. I don't publicize my obsessive dedication to color-coordinated folders, calendars, maps, road signs, and properly aligned toothbrushes. These are organizational principles that I keep to myself.
I don't even know how to take "most useful." Society and the economy would certainly disagree.
The most peculiar choice on this list is "most desired for marriage." Aside from one instance in my early college years, I haven't been able to maintain a relationship with a woman for longer than two months. I realize that I'm a dashing, dapper, articulate, uproarious, charming, and dazzling example of the modern male, but if you're interested in marrying me, chances are you're too normal and well-adjusted for me to be attracted to you. Given my track record, you apparently need to be the one flying over the cuckoo's nest or be listening to the voices of three dead poets in your head before I'll want to date you. The only type of woman that I'd be interested in would probably stab me in the thorax before the wedding day. What can I say? I like interesting women.
My weaknesses are a bit more understandable. I'm not cool. I've never been cool. I know I'll never BE cool. Gigantic Star Trek fans who majored in English, write blogs, and use big words to amuse themselves don't often get to be lumped into the "cool" category. For that very same reason, I imagine that I must be a lousy travel companion. Nobody wants to be on a six hour car ride with someone who will waste all six hours extolling the virtues of the Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episode "A Call to Arms" and spend considerable time and fervor explaining why the Cardassians are a futuristic representation of an Orwellian dystopia as filtered through the prism of 20th century science fiction... and why that episode had totally boss space battles!
Stop trying to lure me into using your ridiculous applications, Facebook. If I wanted to know about people judging me behind my back, I'd pay more attention to my real life.
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The Undesirable Element:
STRENGTHS: Best Blog with No Pornography
WEAKNESSES: No Pornography
Every email is exactly the same. I always have the same strengths and weaknesses.
STRENGTHS:
Most Organized
Most Useful
Most Desired for Marriage
WEAKNESSES:
Coolest
Best Travel Companion
I realize that these descriptions carry about as much weight as reading tea leaves, but I'm going to scrutinize them anyway. After all, my "friends" are apparently voting on these things. Of course, one wonders about the friends who are taking the time to join the "Compare People" application. I've also considered the possibility that the entire thing is fabricated. The strengths and weaknesses are just general enough to apply to just about anyone. What person would read this and declare, "Nay sir. I am a disorganized and useless lifelong bachelor who is cooler than Fonzie and a superior travel companion!"? But for the sake of argument, let's assume that my Facebook friends actually voted for this.
I will grant that I am obsessively organized though I don't know how most of my friends would know this. I don't publicize my obsessive dedication to color-coordinated folders, calendars, maps, road signs, and properly aligned toothbrushes. These are organizational principles that I keep to myself.
I don't even know how to take "most useful." Society and the economy would certainly disagree.
The most peculiar choice on this list is "most desired for marriage." Aside from one instance in my early college years, I haven't been able to maintain a relationship with a woman for longer than two months. I realize that I'm a dashing, dapper, articulate, uproarious, charming, and dazzling example of the modern male, but if you're interested in marrying me, chances are you're too normal and well-adjusted for me to be attracted to you. Given my track record, you apparently need to be the one flying over the cuckoo's nest or be listening to the voices of three dead poets in your head before I'll want to date you. The only type of woman that I'd be interested in would probably stab me in the thorax before the wedding day. What can I say? I like interesting women.
My weaknesses are a bit more understandable. I'm not cool. I've never been cool. I know I'll never BE cool. Gigantic Star Trek fans who majored in English, write blogs, and use big words to amuse themselves don't often get to be lumped into the "cool" category. For that very same reason, I imagine that I must be a lousy travel companion. Nobody wants to be on a six hour car ride with someone who will waste all six hours extolling the virtues of the Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episode "A Call to Arms" and spend considerable time and fervor explaining why the Cardassians are a futuristic representation of an Orwellian dystopia as filtered through the prism of 20th century science fiction... and why that episode had totally boss space battles!
Stop trying to lure me into using your ridiculous applications, Facebook. If I wanted to know about people judging me behind my back, I'd pay more attention to my real life.
------------------------------
The Undesirable Element:
STRENGTHS: Best Blog with No Pornography
WEAKNESSES: No Pornography
2 comments:
No one knows what to say to you about that...
I know. It's too much to take in.
Nobody has commented much lately. My blog is either neglected or unappreciated by the readership.
I suppose that's everyone's way of telling me that I need an update. :)
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