David the Gnome is sick of 2006. Bring on 2007!Well, 2006 was certainly yet another royal clusterfuck wasn't it? So in comes 2007 with its great personality and sexy body, but it will soon dump its emotional baggage and syphillis on you in no time. Regardless, it's time to make some resolutions. So here are some of my New Year's Resolutions in no particular order.
>> Don't lose more than 3 appendages. Beyond that number, WVU won't cover my medical expenses.
>> Eat fewer Cheez-It Crisps. They're more addicting than crack and heroin mixed in coffee.
>> Learn to cook basic meals without blowing up the kitchen.
>> Bury bodies in less conspicuous places. The cops are getting suspicious.
>> Don't assault, maim, or verbally abuse a student.
>> Don't assault, maim, or verbally abuse a professor.
>> DO verbally abuse people online! It makes for quality entertainment.
>> Find superior toilet paper. This 1-ply stuff just isn't up to snuff.
>> Buy new headphones for my iPod. I can't stand those little things that go in your ears. Save those for when I need a hearing aid to hear the nurse telling me that I need a fresh bedpan.
>> Floss.
>> Spend less time wearing women's clothing. It makes me feel pretty, but the chafing is unbearable!
>> Prepare for the blizzards that are likely to occur in the coming months. Karma's just waiting to dump a 3 foot pile of snow on my doorstep.
>> Work to ratify ridiculous traffic laws that require telepathy in order to obey them.
>> Bitch slap people who complain about my infrequent blog updates. Genius can't be rushed.
>> Don't lose more than 3 appendages. Beyond that number, WVU won't cover my medical expenses.
>> Eat fewer Cheez-It Crisps. They're more addicting than crack and heroin mixed in coffee.
>> Learn to cook basic meals without blowing up the kitchen.
>> Bury bodies in less conspicuous places. The cops are getting suspicious.
>> Don't assault, maim, or verbally abuse a student.
>> Don't assault, maim, or verbally abuse a professor.
>> DO verbally abuse people online! It makes for quality entertainment.
>> Find superior toilet paper. This 1-ply stuff just isn't up to snuff.
>> Buy new headphones for my iPod. I can't stand those little things that go in your ears. Save those for when I need a hearing aid to hear the nurse telling me that I need a fresh bedpan.
>> Floss.
>> Spend less time wearing women's clothing. It makes me feel pretty, but the chafing is unbearable!
>> Prepare for the blizzards that are likely to occur in the coming months. Karma's just waiting to dump a 3 foot pile of snow on my doorstep.
>> Work to ratify ridiculous traffic laws that require telepathy in order to obey them.
>> Bitch slap people who complain about my infrequent blog updates. Genius can't be rushed.
3 comments:
Well, cooking basic stuff without blowing up the kitchen I can help you with. Although, your inability to drink Harp makes me doubt your culinary talent as well.
And since you seem to know, what does crack & heroin taste like in coffee? I'm quite the coffee fan myself...
Drinking Harp is like inducing vomiting. Some people can do it, but it tastes like shit, and it's probably indicative of a serious mental disorder.
As for the drug-laced coffee... tastes kinda like YooHoo!
Oh, so I have a "serious mental disorder" now, do I??
Classes start back on Monday. I'd watch behind me, if I were you....
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