A one-armed prostitute gets more action than you!I don't watch the national news regularly, and I really don't have an excuse for that. What I do have an excuse for, however, is not watching the local news.
Local news is shit.
I always get to watch the local news whenever I come home for awhile; my parents watch it every evening during dinner, and I just don't see how people mistake this 2 hour reality show for news. These are things I hate about the local news:
Unnecessary Location Shooting: "This is Dick Upyourass reporting from the South Hills Taco Bell where police stopped a guy from taking a shit on the floor ten hours ago." Why does this windbag need to be standing in front of the locale to report something that happened there hours or even days ago. Was I not going to believe that such a place exists? "Fuck you Dick! Prove to me that there's really a fire hydrant on fifth avenue, or I'm taking my business elsewhere." My favorites are the weathermen. In the summertime, they'll often do the weather from some location that has nothing to do with the weather. In Erie, the weather guy actually did the weather from the jumbalaya-tasting contest at the downtown park. There was no part of that that I didn't find sad and hilarious.
Stupid Slogans: The channel four news in Pittsburgh calls itself "The Action News Team." Since when does a man protesting a 0.1% increase in homeowners tax qualify as "action"? They have these slogans to go along with their name too. At first they would say, "Channel 4 Action News, where the news comes first." This made me laugh the first time I heard it. Your show is simply titled "The News." If the news comes first, what the fuck comes second? Perhaps understanding their stupid slogan, they quickly changed it to say: "Channel 4 Action News, where YOU come first." What the hell does that mean? Is Channel 2 reaching out with a virtual cattle prod and busting me back to fifth place?
Lame Eyewitnesses: This has to be the jewel of the local news biz: the neighborly interview. Every time some local screwball snaps and kills/rapes/kidnaps someone, the on-site news reporter always finds some old woman who lives in the neighborhood to comment on the event, and the person always says the same thing: "This is such a quiet neighborhood. I never thought anything like that could happen here." Don't these people watch the news? How many times do the news stations have to interview people who say this before people catch on that psychos live everywhere. Just once, I want someone to come on screen and say, "This neighborhood is a shithole. I'm surprised he didn't kill sooner and in greater numbers."
Traffic "Expert": This is a special kind of eyewitness. Whenever construction occurs (i.e. every single summer), the news has to go out and find some local loser sitting in traffic and get his or her opinion on it, which usually amounts to: "They should go fix something else that's not on MY way to work." We'll see what you say when that bridge collapses with you on it.
Pathetic Chit Chat: Hey anchorman, no one cares if you're happy that it's going to be sunny on Sunday because your puppy will get to run in the grass and piss on the neighbor's yard gnome. Quit wasting my time. Get on with your bullshit excuse for news. And don't compliment the weatherman for a good forecast. He's just reading shit off a screen. He's not actually creating the goddamn weather.
News that's not News: This pretty much goes right to the heart of what these people do. News is stuff that is necessary for other people to know. Watch the typical evening newscast. How much of that really affects your life in any way? FIRE BURNS DOWN APARTMENT BUILDING. That's news for the people who live in the apartment building and those who know them. Doesn't affect me. These people have enough problems without some dirtbag reporter shoving a microphone in their faces and asking if the fire was hot. Even saying that the police arrested a guy for growing marijuana is stupid. It does nothing but show that the police are doing their jobs. Why do I need to know what the police are doing? Unless the cops are out lighting black people on fire and kicking puppies down the street, I don't give a rat's ass.
Lame Cliffhangers: "Will Excedrin give you The Clap? Find out at 11." I think they might have led the 5pm news with that little gem if it were true.
Pathetic Local Connections: No matter what global tragedy there is, you can count on the local news to have a "hometown connection" to it. A roof collapsed at a Walgreens in Maine. What's a local connection? Some frumpy, overweight old woman with a Pittsburgh accent and a lazy eye has a brother who shopped at that very same Walgreens just a few days ago. The reporter has to sit there straight faced as this woman describes her brother's near brush with death.
~ The Local News: Tricking you into feeling informed for 100 years.
Local news is shit.
I always get to watch the local news whenever I come home for awhile; my parents watch it every evening during dinner, and I just don't see how people mistake this 2 hour reality show for news. These are things I hate about the local news:
Unnecessary Location Shooting: "This is Dick Upyourass reporting from the South Hills Taco Bell where police stopped a guy from taking a shit on the floor ten hours ago." Why does this windbag need to be standing in front of the locale to report something that happened there hours or even days ago. Was I not going to believe that such a place exists? "Fuck you Dick! Prove to me that there's really a fire hydrant on fifth avenue, or I'm taking my business elsewhere." My favorites are the weathermen. In the summertime, they'll often do the weather from some location that has nothing to do with the weather. In Erie, the weather guy actually did the weather from the jumbalaya-tasting contest at the downtown park. There was no part of that that I didn't find sad and hilarious.
Stupid Slogans: The channel four news in Pittsburgh calls itself "The Action News Team." Since when does a man protesting a 0.1% increase in homeowners tax qualify as "action"? They have these slogans to go along with their name too. At first they would say, "Channel 4 Action News, where the news comes first." This made me laugh the first time I heard it. Your show is simply titled "The News." If the news comes first, what the fuck comes second? Perhaps understanding their stupid slogan, they quickly changed it to say: "Channel 4 Action News, where YOU come first." What the hell does that mean? Is Channel 2 reaching out with a virtual cattle prod and busting me back to fifth place?
Lame Eyewitnesses: This has to be the jewel of the local news biz: the neighborly interview. Every time some local screwball snaps and kills/rapes/kidnaps someone, the on-site news reporter always finds some old woman who lives in the neighborhood to comment on the event, and the person always says the same thing: "This is such a quiet neighborhood. I never thought anything like that could happen here." Don't these people watch the news? How many times do the news stations have to interview people who say this before people catch on that psychos live everywhere. Just once, I want someone to come on screen and say, "This neighborhood is a shithole. I'm surprised he didn't kill sooner and in greater numbers."
Traffic "Expert": This is a special kind of eyewitness. Whenever construction occurs (i.e. every single summer), the news has to go out and find some local loser sitting in traffic and get his or her opinion on it, which usually amounts to: "They should go fix something else that's not on MY way to work." We'll see what you say when that bridge collapses with you on it.
Pathetic Chit Chat: Hey anchorman, no one cares if you're happy that it's going to be sunny on Sunday because your puppy will get to run in the grass and piss on the neighbor's yard gnome. Quit wasting my time. Get on with your bullshit excuse for news. And don't compliment the weatherman for a good forecast. He's just reading shit off a screen. He's not actually creating the goddamn weather.
News that's not News: This pretty much goes right to the heart of what these people do. News is stuff that is necessary for other people to know. Watch the typical evening newscast. How much of that really affects your life in any way? FIRE BURNS DOWN APARTMENT BUILDING. That's news for the people who live in the apartment building and those who know them. Doesn't affect me. These people have enough problems without some dirtbag reporter shoving a microphone in their faces and asking if the fire was hot. Even saying that the police arrested a guy for growing marijuana is stupid. It does nothing but show that the police are doing their jobs. Why do I need to know what the police are doing? Unless the cops are out lighting black people on fire and kicking puppies down the street, I don't give a rat's ass.
Lame Cliffhangers: "Will Excedrin give you The Clap? Find out at 11." I think they might have led the 5pm news with that little gem if it were true.
Pathetic Local Connections: No matter what global tragedy there is, you can count on the local news to have a "hometown connection" to it. A roof collapsed at a Walgreens in Maine. What's a local connection? Some frumpy, overweight old woman with a Pittsburgh accent and a lazy eye has a brother who shopped at that very same Walgreens just a few days ago. The reporter has to sit there straight faced as this woman describes her brother's near brush with death.
~ The Local News: Tricking you into feeling informed for 100 years.
2 comments:
And don't compliment the weatherman for a good forecast. He's just reading shit off a screen. He's not actually creating the goddamn weather.
LOLOLOLOL.
At least you have Pittsburg news. You should see the "Mountain News" that passes for information back in my small town. There, you can see the weatherman on location in some random spot that has nothing to do with weather, AND you'll probably recognize Sally from down the holler giving her opinion of the weather, too.
Contemplator:
I can only imagine local news in Kentucky. I'll bet it has high entertainment value if you record some of that.
Bat Mite:
As a matter of fact, that's one factor that goes along with the eyewitness thing: the "Gramps" perspective. Anytime something changes in the city area (especially if they're tearing down some old building that's not up to code), you can count on some old bastard showing up on screen reminiscing about how he used to play stickball in that very same field in the spring of ott-nine right before he slapped Betty Sue around at the speak easy.
~ JP
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