Dude, Where's My Carlin?

Carlin = Dead

Despite what some of my former professors and current blog comments may say (*cough* The Shit *cough* Aardvark Man *cough*), I fancy myself to be quite the funny man. Granted, I care very little if people are laughing at me or with me; all that matters to me is that you're making with the yuk-yuks.

Now I know what you're thinking. "JP, surely such side-splitting and raucous humor stems from a natural and original talent buried in your vast and sexy brain?" That's only partially true. What may be less obvious is that I take a lot of my inspiration from comedians that I admire. Hell, sometimes I blatantly steal from them. I figure if imitation is the highest form of flattery, then plagiarism must be the highest form of blowjobbery. Hell, that metaphor is probably stolen from somewhere.

In any case, when I try to make with the funny, I'm always looking to emulate those comedians that make me laugh the hardest. Lewis Black, Patton Oswalt, Christopher Titus, Jim Gaffigan, Jerry Seinfeld, Rodney Dangerfield, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, Chris Rock, (hmmm... I grouped all the black guys together) Jon Stewart, and Steven Colbert... I could only dream of being as funny as these guys. And they are all guys, which is interesting because I know I've seen funny comediennes, but dammit, they just don't have name recognition.

But there's one guy that was always on top of my favorites list. The late George Carlin. That's right... George is dead. Died of heart failure at the age of 71 on June 22, 2008. Ironically, Carlin would probably question the use of the phrase "the late George Carlin." What could he possibly be late for now? Surely he wasn't actually late to his own funeral?

That's what I love about Carlin. The man could make jokes about foreign policy, toenail gunk, road rage, and unusual word forms all in the span of five minutes. His most famous set involved the seven words you can't say on television (at least in the 1970s): shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tit. Now that's a usage lesson that people sat up and took notice of. Hell, the Supreme Court certainly sat up and took notice when it was brought to their attention as part of a hearing on obscenity laws.

It's almost scary how much Carlin's work speaks to me. I even made my students read some of his stuff about euphemisms (their favorite reading I might add). Carlin was a true cynic who knew the world was a fucking mess, but he didn't care. He preferred to sit back and enjoy the show. He was fascinated by bizarre human behavior. He didn't rant about the evils of war and torture... he just seemed interested in how there was always fun to be had in any given situation, and to him, war and torture were just a few of the many odd things humans do.

In his later years, Carlin really got a bug up his ass about religion. If you listen to his albums through the decades, you get a sense of how his feelings on religion evolved. In one of his earlier recordings, he says, "I have a good understanding with God: I don't understand him; he doesn't understand me." This later evolves into an argument that basically says "God doesn't give a shit." He finally just declares all religion to be fucking stupid. He finds organized religion to be completely ridiculous. One of my favorite quotes: "Suppose your prayers aren't answered? What do you do then? What do you say? 'Well it's God's will. Thy will be done'? Fine. But if it's God's will, and he's going to do what he wants anyway, why bother praying in the first place? Doesn't it seem like a big waste of time? Couldn't you just skip the praying part go straight to 'his will'? It's all very confusing to me."

Longtime readers can probably see why I like this guy.

But religious folk ought not to be offended (and if you are, you damn well shouldn't look back at my own religious-themed posts). Carlin takes shots at everyone. Hell, at one point, he even goes after children... "You know what I say? FUCK THE CHILDREN! And I know what you're thinking, 'Jesus, he's not going to attack children now, is he?'... Yes he is!! And remember this is Mr. Conductor talking; I know what I'm talking about!"

So needless to say, I was sad to see that George Carlin died. I think if there was one celebrity that I would have liked to meet, it would have been him. And now as any article about a dead comedian will do, I'm going to regale you will some of my favorite Carlin quotes (aside from those that I've already mentioned):

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I'd really like to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

"Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a realm of fire with burning and torture and pain until the end of eternity.... but he loves you! .... and he needs MONEY!!"

"Have you ever poured glue on a bird?........ Of course not, there's no reason."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. It's just common sense."

"I never fucked a ten. But one night, I fucked five twos."

"Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"There's nothing funny about rape... unless you're raping a clown."

"That reminds me of something my grandfather used to say. He'd say, 'I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandma!' Well, he was an honest man. He wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old."

"If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter."

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George Carlin: Not existing in an afterlife and probably damned happy about it.