Special Deliverance, Part 1

Living in West Virginia, I knew it was only a matter of time before I had an "experience" - something to drive home that hillbilly feeling. It all happened two days ago.

Prologue: I purchased cable from Adelphia three months ago, and as part of the deal, they gave me free digital cable for three months. So as any simpleton could figure out (sorry Fryar), the time recently came for me to return my digital cable box. I called the Adelphia corporate office, and the woman told me that the Morgantown office was on "15 Summer School Road." (Pay attention to that address. There's a quiz later.)

The Journey: So I Mapquest the address. It's about 20 miles south of Morgantown, but I wasn't doing anything important, so my journey began. I get off of I-79, and I'm immediately wary because I see a sign for "Hay Bale Road." This is slightly disconcerting, but I press on. After all, I'm in West Virginia. What can I expect?

Onward. I turn onto the next road, and there are farms everywhere. There are farms to the left, farms to the right, farms that are farming farms. That smell of hay and manure that years of growing up in Kittanning has made me sensitive to begins to waft into my car. I get to the next road that leads me up a small mountain.


So I get to the top of the mountain, and it feels like I've landed on another planet. I have a pretty good perch on top of this hill/mountain, and all I can see is trees; no civilization to be found. I could die on this road, and nothing but a wild moose would ever find me.

Believe it or not, I am actually still feeling optimistic at this point. Then I find my road: Summer School Road. The sign is a piece of wood with the letters painted on by hand. The "road" (and I use the term loosely) consists of gravel and leaves. Since I've come this far, I feel obliged to press on. The road, as you might imagine by now, does not lead me to Adelphia's Morgantown office. Instead, I nearly run over a chicken.

Yes friends; a chicken - right in the middle of the road.

I have inadvertently driven onto some yokel's property. It's not a farm - it's just a house with a chicken coup beside it. It's at this point that I sorta freak out. I decide that I've been lost in Appalachia long enough. I return home. Adelphia can shove their digital box straight up their ass.

Epilogue: So I get home and call Adelphia. I'm all ready to bitch them out; however, after 25 minutes of being on hold, I've calmed down somewhat. Well, the woman on the phone informs me that I had the road name wrong.

Remember that road name: Summer School Road? Yeah, that was wrong. Guess what it is.

Go ahead; guess.

Summers School Road

Turns out that Morgantown actually has both roads. This was a giant mental clusterfuck. I got lost in the Ozarks because some dipshit who names roads for a living got lazy and pulled the oldest Scrabble trick in the book by pluralizing the road names.

So that was my first "experience." I say "first" because I know it won't be my last. That's why this is called "Part 1."