I was listening to a stand-up comedy CD by Patton Oswalt (called Werewolves and Lollipops - I highly recommend it), and near the end of his act, he mentioned a movie that caught my attention. It was called, Death Bed: The Bed that Eats People. Needless to say, I was intrigued, so I typed "Deathbed" into my Netflix search and downloaded what I thought was the right movie.Wrong movie. Right choice.
Believe it or not, there are two cheesy movies about a death bed. The one that Patton Oswalt was talking about had "Death Bed" separated into two separate words, while the one I ordered was all one word ("Deathbed"). I may have received the wrong movie, but I took the movie over to a friend's house for a "bad movie night" and was not disappointed.
The studio apartment... OF DOOM!!!!Deathbed is about this yuppie couple that moves into a studio apartment that used to be a warehouse (or something). Karen (Tanya Dempsey) makes children's books for a living, and her boyfriend Jerry (Brave Matthews - yes, Brave Matthews) apparently takes pictures of beds for catalogs (no heavy-handed symbolism there at all). Well, the stairs you see in the photo there apparently lead to an attic that the landlord has never opened.
Ah yes, the landlord. The landlord is played by Joe Estevez, the oft-forgotten brother of Martin Sheen (and uncle to Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez).
"My brother is the PRESIDENT! And my nephews were in RED DAWN and THE MIGHTY DUCKS! I am NOT CRAZY!"Joe Estevez has apparently been in over 150 movies including such masterpieces as "San Franpsycho," "Zombiegeddon," "Max Hell Comes to Frogtown," "Beach Babes from Beyond," "Death, Can I Buy You a Drink?" and "Buy Sell Kill: A Flea Market Story." As you can see, he has a certain niche.
Anyway, Karen and Brave (fuck Jerry - the actor's name is so much better) ask Joe Estevez what's up in the attic, and Joe says, "I don't know. That door is sealed tighter than a nun's ass." As you can imagine, Joe Estevez is the man in this movie. He has the hots for Karen and owns a talking cockatoo.
Back to the room in the attic. After hearing some screaming and seeing some smoke roll down the stairs, Karen checks it out (because that's the smart thing to do when there's smoke and screaming). In the attic is this antique bed that Karen decides to move down to their apartment.
Here's where the movie gets down to business - on so many levels. After sleeping in the bed for a few nights, Karen apparently channels the spirit of a prostitute who was raped and murdered on the bed 80 years ago. She gradually becomes more and more slutty, much to the approval of her lecherous boyfriend Brave.
"Does Brave the Photographer know how to say CHEESE?"
Brave has apparently been into bondage all along (he says near the beginning that Karen should "punish" him). Karen was apparently raped as a girl by a creepy uncle who would handcuff her to the bed with what in the flashback appeared to be Barbie handcuffs (why would those exist?). Even after learning about this, Brave still tries to have his way with her. Needless to say, Brave is kind of an asshole.
So anyway, Karen keeps seeing these spirits of the people involved in the murder from the 1920s. She wants to move out of the apartment, but Brave won't let her, because the landlord could make them pay rent for the rest of the year (which is what they get for signing a lease that was written on a crumpled piece of paper from a legal pad - which is seriously what Joe Estevez gave them to sign in the beginning). Then Brave sees the spirits too, and he has sex with this gothic Cleopatria-looking woman in his vision.
The next day he goes up to the attic (because he's a fucking idiot) where an arm bursts through the mirror and grabs Brave's throat. When Brave comes back downstairs, he undergoes a "subtle" character change. He puts pills into Karen's hot chocolate ("DRINK YOUR CHOCOLATE!" he demands in a completely nonthreatening manner), and then tries to kill her. She peels his face off with her fingernails. He somehow survives and morphs into the rapist from the 1920s (played by a man named "Dukey Flyswatter"). She ends up smashing his face in with a hammer.
Epilogue: Karen ends up in a loony bin. Suddenly a man identified in the credits as "horny orderly" comes in, unties her arm restraints, and attempts to rape her. She then peels his face off too.
End of movie.
As I said, this is not the movie that I wanted, but it was such a great mistake. I have now ordered the other movie, Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. Once I get a crew together to watch that, I'll be sure to let you know about it.
Either that, or I'll just start ordering every movie that Joe Estevez has appeared in.
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Joe Estevez: The man who needs no punchline
Anyway, Karen and Brave (fuck Jerry - the actor's name is so much better) ask Joe Estevez what's up in the attic, and Joe says, "I don't know. That door is sealed tighter than a nun's ass." As you can imagine, Joe Estevez is the man in this movie. He has the hots for Karen and owns a talking cockatoo.
Back to the room in the attic. After hearing some screaming and seeing some smoke roll down the stairs, Karen checks it out (because that's the smart thing to do when there's smoke and screaming). In the attic is this antique bed that Karen decides to move down to their apartment.
Here's where the movie gets down to business - on so many levels. After sleeping in the bed for a few nights, Karen apparently channels the spirit of a prostitute who was raped and murdered on the bed 80 years ago. She gradually becomes more and more slutty, much to the approval of her lecherous boyfriend Brave.
"Does Brave the Photographer know how to say CHEESE?"Brave has apparently been into bondage all along (he says near the beginning that Karen should "punish" him). Karen was apparently raped as a girl by a creepy uncle who would handcuff her to the bed with what in the flashback appeared to be Barbie handcuffs (why would those exist?). Even after learning about this, Brave still tries to have his way with her. Needless to say, Brave is kind of an asshole.
So anyway, Karen keeps seeing these spirits of the people involved in the murder from the 1920s. She wants to move out of the apartment, but Brave won't let her, because the landlord could make them pay rent for the rest of the year (which is what they get for signing a lease that was written on a crumpled piece of paper from a legal pad - which is seriously what Joe Estevez gave them to sign in the beginning). Then Brave sees the spirits too, and he has sex with this gothic Cleopatria-looking woman in his vision.
The next day he goes up to the attic (because he's a fucking idiot) where an arm bursts through the mirror and grabs Brave's throat. When Brave comes back downstairs, he undergoes a "subtle" character change. He puts pills into Karen's hot chocolate ("DRINK YOUR CHOCOLATE!" he demands in a completely nonthreatening manner), and then tries to kill her. She peels his face off with her fingernails. He somehow survives and morphs into the rapist from the 1920s (played by a man named "Dukey Flyswatter"). She ends up smashing his face in with a hammer.
Epilogue: Karen ends up in a loony bin. Suddenly a man identified in the credits as "horny orderly" comes in, unties her arm restraints, and attempts to rape her. She then peels his face off too.
End of movie.
As I said, this is not the movie that I wanted, but it was such a great mistake. I have now ordered the other movie, Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. Once I get a crew together to watch that, I'll be sure to let you know about it.
Either that, or I'll just start ordering every movie that Joe Estevez has appeared in.
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Joe Estevez: The man who needs no punchline
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