My Cat is Evil

Don't let her appearance deceive you. My cat is pure evil.

I have a kitty cat. Her name is Miss Cleo, like the Jamaican fortune-teller ("Cahl me now!"). She's a soft, pretty, calico cat that is about ten months old.

She's also the most diabolical, sinister, ferocious feline that I've ever encountered. And I've got the scratches to prove it.

I didn't think having a cat would be very difficult. Cats are fat and lazy, and they tend to do nothing but eat, sleep, and shit all day. This is a life that I can relate to, so I thought things would go well.

Enter the Cleo.

From the day I got her, this feline fucker has never shut up.
"MEOW MEOW MEOW" -- I want fed.
"MEOW MEOW MEOW" -- I want attention.
"MEOW MEOW MEOW" -- I want to play.
"MEOW MEOW MEOW" -- Pet me, human slave!
"BITE!!!" -- You weren't petting me properly.

Fur Face never seems to be content. Sometimes I think she bitches at me just to prove who's the boss. If this is what marriage is like, maybe I'm better off being single. Although, wives don't tend to bite (unless, of course, that's the kinky game of the night).

I'm convinced that this cat is nothing but an organic food processor. She eats constantly (and voices her objections loudly if her bowl is empty), and she must take a shit at least 12 times a day. Christ, I empty the cat can every two days, and it always looks like a walrus took a dump in it. You know what that disgusting cat was doing yesterday? She was relaxing in the litter box. What the fuck is wrong with her? That would be like me taking a nap in the toilet... after I'd used it!

I tried pawning the cat off on my parents once. My parents have a nice big house with plenty of room for the cat to prowl around in. This ideal situation (for me anyway) was not to last. Turns out that Miss Cleo has a severe personality conflict with Shelby, one of my parents' cats. Shelby and Cleo get into fierce cat fights. This just goes to show that even other cats can't stand Cleo. So Cleo came back to the apartment.

No food is safe from this cat either. When I first got Miss Cleo, I had her eating the usual dry kitty kibble. When she was at my parents' house, however, my mom got her hooked on canned cat food, which kitty now demands. That wasn't good enough for the furry fucker either. Now she wants our human food. She doesn't care what it is either. She'll shove her fat face into whatever we have. Iced tea, cheese sauce, broccoli, chicken, ham, sandwiches, peanut butter... nothing is uninteresting to this feline food fiend.

Vivek and the cat don't get along either. I think it stems from the time that kitty almost clawed off Vivek's testaculars while he was getting out of the shower. That might sour my attitude toward the cat as well.

I'm not sure what to do about kitty. I think I could end up with the ASPCA on my ass if I start drugging her. So the adventures of JP, Vivek, and Miss Cleo will continue. I can't promise that we'll all come out alive.

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The Ancient Egyptians - any civilization that worships cats instead of drowning them in a burlap sack loses historical cool-points in my book