Reel Ruminations: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

It's almost pointless to make fun of this movie, but I'm going to do so anyway. If you can spend only 99 cents this holiday season, instead of going downtown to get food stamps, head up to Walmart to buy Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

The title pretty much says it all. There's nothing that I can do to this movie that Mystery Science Theater 3000 hasn't already done.

Premise: Martian children no longer have fun. To boost their spirits in the wintry month of "Septober," the Martian King goes to Earth to abduct Santa Claus so that he can make toys for the Martian children, who spend all of their time watching "silly Earth programs." The Earth program in question is some sort of low-budget news broadcast that blew its entire budget to bring its viewing audience a genuine interview with a pipe-smoking Santa Claus.

Remember kids, Santa loves cookies, milk, and high-quality pipe tobacco. Ho Ho Ho!

The Martian King does have a point. There's something about the Martian kids that screams "childhood trauma." Maybe it's the fact that their parents use a "sleep stick" to force them to sleep every night and a "tickle stick" to torture their slave-servant when he's asleep on the job.

"I'll bet she gives great helmet."

The slave-servant, Droppo, is some sort of "special" Martian that the Martian King abuses for his own purposes. Droppo is clearly the comic-relief character, and his WACKY AND ZANY antics provide relief from the dramatic tension of Martians plotting against St. Nick.

Now now Droppo! That was just a candy-cane in my pocket.

Providing a villain for the movie is Voldar, the asshole Martian who likes children to be miserable. The only way he could be more like Dick Dastardly is if he twirled his moustache at regular intervals. He does everything possible to interfere with the Martian King's plan. What I love is that the Martian King wants to ABDUCT FUCKING SANTA CLAUS and the man who wants to stop him is the bad guy!!

HAHAHA!! Only the fly Martians have the 'stache to go with our helmet bling. Fo-shizzle my space nizzle!

Once they arrive on Earth, the Martians see thousands of Santa Clauses on the street. Despite the fact that they saw an interview with Santa Claus at the North Pole on one of the "Earth Programs," the Martians kidnap two dimwitted children to lead them to Santa's workshop. With the help of Droppo and an often-used Radar Box (which looks suspiciously like a toy box), the children escape and attempt to warn Santa.

Oh kids, don't worry about me. After making toys for 200 years, I pretty much want to die.

The events at the North Pole are, without a doubt, the best parts of the movie. For whatever reason, the creators felt that the North Pole action was a little slow, so they decided to have the children encounter a vicious polar bear... or is that the Penn State Nittany Lion mascot painted white?

Umm... snarl, growl, roar! I'm a vicious bear! Pay no attention to my plastic eyes and fur-seams.

The bear makes a half-hearted attempt to maul the children and then gives up. That would have made for a helluva Christmas movie... small children mauled by a man in a polar bear suit. But my disappointment was short lived, because the Martian King sends TORG, the killer robot, out to re-capture the children.

BEST... ROBOT... EVER!!!

Once the Martians recapture the children and then kidnap Santa Claus, the Earth papers have a field day with this news.

Obviously, The Daily Tribune is using the Martian spelling of the word "Kidnapped."

The whole group heads back to Mars (a trip that consists of Voldar attempting to assassinate Santa Claus and the children by blowing them into space - ah, family entertainment!). Once on Mars, an oddly compliant Santa agrees to make toys for the Martian children. Instead of using an army of slave-elves, the Martians provide Santa with a machine that makes the same out-dated shit toys that the elves made: baseball bats, dolls, rackets, teddy bears, etc.

Santa, in a moment of introspection, laments that automation has taken all of the joy out of making toys. Santa, at heart, really enjoys working those elves to the bone.

Meanwhile, Droppo has become quite smitten with Santa Claus and wants to be just like him. He puts on the extra suit that the Martian Queen made for Santa (along with an extra beard??) and starts prancing around the Martian palace.

Also meanwhile, Voldar (whose attempt on Santa's life got him exiled to the Martian caves) sabotages Santa's machine and kidnaps Droppo (who he mistakes for Santa Claus).

The resemblance is uncanny... if Santa were jaundiced and riding the short bus to school.

Needless to say, Droppo escapes, the machine is fixed, and Voldar is captured. Droppo becomes the new Martian Santa Claus, and Santa and the kids return to Earth.

Ho Ho Ho!! I haven't laughed this hard since I gave that blind girl a Rubik's Cube.

How this movie even got past the title stage is beyond me. Apparently, the movie was forgotten shortly after its 1964 release, but it gained a newfound cult following after it was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000. The entire MST3K episode is on YouTube, divided into ten parts. The links are below:

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, and Part 10.

You have to put up with the fairly un-funny skits between the actual movie portions, but otherwise this is the best way to watch the movie. If you're bored, looking for a good laugh, or just incredibly baked, you'll have a blast.

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"All this trouble for a fat little man in a red suit." -- Voldar