In the blue universe, the evil prophet look is totally making a comebackIn this movie, Kirk's camping trip is interrupted when Spock's crazy half-brother cult leader named Sybok takes over the Enterprise and takes the ship to the center of the galaxy in order to find God. Meanwhile, a renegade Klingon captain chases the Enterprise because, as he claims, "If I kill Kirk, I will be the greatest warrior in the galaxy!" Seriously, that is this guy's sole motivation.
When I couldn't become a backup singer for Poison, I decided that 'intergalactic road warrior' was a good career move.
What I must mention at this point is that the movie was written and directed by William Shatner. The implication of the Klingon's flawless logic is that Kirk must be the current master galactic warrior if killing Kirk will give him the title. In fact, the whole movie revolves around how awesome Kirk is. You see, Sybok decides to lure the Enterprise into an EVIL TRAP by taking over Nimbus III, the Planet of Galactic Peace (which is apparently the full name of the planet).
When I couldn't become a backup singer for Poison, I decided that 'intergalactic road warrior' was a good career move.
A lesson in the word "irony" from William Shatner, the greatest warrior in the galaxy!Taking hostages in the Star Trek universe always requires some major bullshit because of the transporter. Any janitor on a passing garbage scow could beam the hostages off the planet with no problem. But Starfleet asks, nay DEMANDS, that Kirk take the Enterprise to rescue the hostages. The admiral even says, "I need Jim Kirk." I'll bet Shatner jerks off to the image of ten alien space babes saying that every night.
The problem is that the newly-commissioned Enterprise is a bucket of shit, so the transporters don't work. Most Star Trek episodes will say something like, "Oh the bullshittium radiation from the buttermilk quasar is blocking our transporter beam." This movie doesn't even try. "Oh right, the transporters are broken." Shatner, you genius!
I've got my blue horse, my scurvy-ridden lieutenant, and a horde of sand people. Nothing can stop me now!
The problem is that the newly-commissioned Enterprise is a bucket of shit, so the transporters don't work. Most Star Trek episodes will say something like, "Oh the bullshittium radiation from the buttermilk quasar is blocking our transporter beam." This movie doesn't even try. "Oh right, the transporters are broken." Shatner, you genius!
I've got my blue horse, my scurvy-ridden lieutenant, and a horde of sand people. Nothing can stop me now!Oh, by the way, Sybok and his ragtag horde are holding the Federation, Klingon, and Romulan ambassadors hostage. Kirk doesn't get out of bed for anything less than an ambassador. Your average space-janitor is lunch for the sarlac as far as Kirk's concerned. But Kirk goes down to rescue the hostages. Kirk's military strategy truly demonstrates his galactic warrior status. Uhura, who is about 60 years old in this movie, distracts some guards with a nude fan dance while Kirk and Spock steal some blue horses. Nothing says good cinema like seeing someone's grandma give a space-henchman a boner.
Needless to say, the rescue attempt fails despite Kirk fighting a three-breasted cat-woman stripper (not even making that up), and Sybok takes over the ship. He uses some weird Vulcan shit to brainwash the crew into following him into THE GREAT BARRIER, which is this huge energy field that surrounds the center of the galaxy - where God lives. During the whole movie, everyone is shitting themselves about THE GREAT BARRIER!! "It will stab you in the eye and then rape your mother!" "It's so big and powerful that it split the space-whore in two!" Then they get to THE GREAT BARRIER and pass right through. They didn't even bother to shake the camera around or anything. I think the ship bounced once, but that might have been Scotty taking a dump.
The rest of the movie is summed up thusly: Kirk finds God. Kirk fights God. Kirk kills God.
Turns out God is actually blue, and he may or may not perm his beard.
Okay, so it wasn't really God. It was actually an energy being that was imprisoned. And I suppose God was actually killed when the Klingons blasted him. But the basic premise remains valid. Actually, there were supposed to be some rock creatures in the movie that spring up to fight Kirk after he kills God, but apparently the costumes were too cheesy to be taken seriously. For Star Trek, that's saying something.
And the Klingons? Yeah, they just kind of give up when one of the ambassadors pulls rank on the Klingon captain. Turns out his shit was merely a brown dwarf in the toilet of the universe. Kirk didn't even have to fight him to prove his superiority. Kirk pwns God + Klingon. I would expect no less from the GREATEST WARRIOR IN THE GALAXY!
No, Sybok is my half-brother. Those are pictures of my half-sister Charlene. We don't talk about her much."
"Are those green nipples?"
Needless to say, the rescue attempt fails despite Kirk fighting a three-breasted cat-woman stripper (not even making that up), and Sybok takes over the ship. He uses some weird Vulcan shit to brainwash the crew into following him into THE GREAT BARRIER, which is this huge energy field that surrounds the center of the galaxy - where God lives. During the whole movie, everyone is shitting themselves about THE GREAT BARRIER!! "It will stab you in the eye and then rape your mother!" "It's so big and powerful that it split the space-whore in two!" Then they get to THE GREAT BARRIER and pass right through. They didn't even bother to shake the camera around or anything. I think the ship bounced once, but that might have been Scotty taking a dump.
The rest of the movie is summed up thusly: Kirk finds God. Kirk fights God. Kirk kills God.
Turns out God is actually blue, and he may or may not perm his beard.And the Klingons? Yeah, they just kind of give up when one of the ambassadors pulls rank on the Klingon captain. Turns out his shit was merely a brown dwarf in the toilet of the universe. Kirk didn't even have to fight him to prove his superiority. Kirk pwns God + Klingon. I would expect no less from the GREATEST WARRIOR IN THE GALAXY!
No, Sybok is my half-brother. Those are pictures of my half-sister Charlene. We don't talk about her much.""Are those green nipples?"
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William Shatner: Kicking God's ass since Stardate 5467.3
William Shatner: Kicking God's ass since Stardate 5467.3
1 comment:
I have the diabeetus.
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